I Give You The Greatest Email You Will EVER Get From An IT Department

So we just got this office wide email from our IT department, which consists of 2 guys, and it’s fucking brilliant.  Don’t just take my word for it, read the email yourself:

Hey Kids,

Over the weekend Alex and I changed the IP address scheme for the office.  The previous setup (when the domain was created years ago) limited us to only 254 network devices total, including all servers, laptops, desktops, virtual machines, wireless access points, desk phones, cell phones, tablets, blah, blah, blah.  As you may have put together, that’s not a whole lot.  So, we changed that this weekend, and we now have address space for a total of 65,534 devices.  So, that should buy us a few weeks before you guys flood our network with more VMs, tablets, and whatever else you crazy kids are buying these days.  Enjoy your new-found device freedom, and network your ass off until you pass out from excitement and/or booze.

So, long story short, you really have nothing you need to do (except praise the IT department for their IT acumen and devilishly handsome good looks), unless you think something is broken or not working properly.  You’re probably wrong, of course, as we, the IT Department make exactly zero mistakes, but feel free to come over and tell us your sob story, and we will lovingly show you just how many ways in which you are wrong.  We’re very nice people, and we’re always happy to show you how to live your lives and be better, more productive members of society.

For the more nerdy of us in the audience:  If you are a developer and you have IIS sites bound to static IP addresses on your work laptop, you will need to update those.  I don’t think any of you do, except maybe the Humphrey Room, but lets face it, they need help with a lot more than just their laptops, so let’s just take it one step at a time with them.

For the rest of you, just remember the golden rule:  when in doubt, reboot.  It’s what has gotten me this far in my “professional career” (relative term), so I pass on this sage advice to you as well.

If you need anything else, ask Alex.  He cares a lot more than I do.

If you have any questions, keep them to yourself.  No one likes nosy people.

Buckets of love,

The IT Department

If you haven't watched The IT Crowd... stop everything and watch every episode immediately!!!

If you haven’t watched The IT Crowd… stop everything and watch every episode immediately!!!

 

 

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THANKS A LOT CAPTCHA! YOU BROKE ME!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?!?!?!?!

So per my last post, I’ve entered my dog in a beauty contest… shut up.

And every day I’m going on to the voting page to vote like a thousand times… shut up.

It wouldn’t be that bad but for those freaking ‘Prove You’re A Human’ captcha codes, which I swear are getting harder and harder the more I vote.  Which leads me to today’s…

Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 10.06.32 AM

… well there ya go… it’s what I always thought… I’M NOT EVEN A FUCKING HUMAN!! I MUST BE A FUCKING MYTHICAL BEAST! LIKE A FUCKING UNICORN! I’M GOING TO GO FROLIC IN THE FUCKING WOODS WITH THE REST OF MY KIND!!  YOU DROVE ME TO THIS CAPTCHA!!!!!!!

… wow… um okay…  I think it might be time to withdraw Orko from this beauty contest… I’m beginning to break under the mental stress… I’m just a unicorn after all.

pretty-unicorn

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I’ve become a pageant mom and I don’t even have a child… well not technically

Okay, so there’s this contest AZFoothills Magazine has each year for Arizona’s Cutest Dog , and this year I entered Orko.  I mean come on, look at that face!

Orko

Now I mistakenly thought this was going to be a fair and rational contest. I thought that for 1 month I’d log on the site each day and vote ONCE for Orko and encourage my friends to do the same.  And by encourage I mean brow beat, harass, nag, and just be a complete pain in the ass for the entire month of August.  Then the 5 dogs with the highest votes would be judged by a ‘pet panel’ from the magazine and a winner would be announced.

But no, no that’s not how this “contest” works.  You have unlimited votes each day for the entire month… which means this contest is not about the cutest dog… it’s about the owner that has the most time on their hands and the ability to decipher those crazy annoying captcha codes.

For the first few days I was able to keep Orko in the top 5. Every night I would be spend an hour or two madly typing away at my laptop trying to figure out if the captcha word was garbleduchess or gobblinduckes.

But sadly, actually having a life and a screaming case of carpal tunnel syndrome has caused Orko to drop down to 6th place. So if you have pity for me, and a keen ability to decrypt captcha code, feel free to vote a couple thousand times for my child, Orko.

Captcha-Robot-Meme

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If you live in Arizona, please do not be alarmed by fire balls in the sky for the next month…

After doing some number crunching Hubby and I discovered that we spend around the sum of a small countries national income on eating out.

We decided to make all our meals at home… outside… on the grill.  Hubby’s request, apparently all my kitchen adventures makes him a little flinchy when it comes to home cooked meals.

Grilling. is. Awesome. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before! I’m awesome at grilling, although the first day was a little concerning. It was captured in a text to my girlfriend, Whitney.

text

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So Facebook Says You Have Hundreds of Friends… PROVE IT.

This is going to be weird for some of you, but I’m about to post a serious post.  I know, I rarely do these as I really hate being serious.  But something has happened to a dear friend of mine that has kind of really pissed me off and I just need to vent. Again this is just me venting my opinion and thoughts, mine only.

You all know my friend Sheri.  She and I have been through a lot, like a lot, like seriously a lot.

Well something truly awful happened to her… her Barkley died.

Hold1Hold2

He wasn’t even 2 years old yet, and the way he died was so awful and horrible that I’m not going to tell you, honestly you don’t want to know. It would haunt you, it still haunts me.

But the most awful thing was that Sheri was there, holding him, suffering with him, through it all, all his pain and confusion and fear.  And all she could do was tell him it was going to be okay and she loved him so much.

They rushed to the vet where he went immediately into surgery. At first she thought it was going to be okay, he’d made it through surgery, he was resting, come back tomorrow. Then the phone call, we’re sorry, he didn’t make it, his heart gave out, too much trauma, we’re so very sorry.

On the day Sheri received Barkley’s ashes, she also received a $2,500 vet bill.

When Sheri posted on Facebook that Barkley died, she got tons of comments, friends telling her how awful it was her puppy died, how much they loved her, how much they were thinking of her, how much they wish they could help.

So a go fund me site was set up to help her pay the vet bill.

The site has been up for almost 2 weeks and 17 people have stepped forward to help Sheri… Sheri has 467 friends on Facebook… 17 out of her 467 “friends” gave a total of $700, towards a $2,500 goal…

If you would like to help Sheri, please click here.  Any amount will help, no matter how small, because sometimes it’s just nice to know you have a friend out there, a real friend.

Barkley

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All men should be required to take a kick to the crotch once every year, it will be like taxes, everyone having to pay for the few bad ones. I know that’s not how taxes work but shut up, I’m making a point… badly.

Sorry that’s like a ridiculously long title but DUDE.

I received a text from my best friend that SO pissed me off that I… She… We… AAAHHHHGGGGGG!!!… I’m still really annoyed.

Best Friend: Dude on a bike just assaulted me through my window. While calling me cunt for almost hitting him because he ran a stop sign.

Me: WHAT!?!? He didn’t really touch you did he?!?

Best Friend: He ducking punched me in the head

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!?! FUCKING DRIVE HIM DOWN IN SELF DEFENSE!!!

Best Friend: And when I screamed for help, a guy stopped and told me “Calm down, you’re fine.”

Me: WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
FUCKING MEN!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!
THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!
YA LET’S TELL THE WOMAN WHO’S BEING ASSAULTED THAT “you’re fine”.

Best Friend: I told him the biker just punched me in the head, and then the biker said no he didn’t and rode off.

Me: … I’m so angry right now… I’m shaking, I have to keep getting up to walk away from my desk and then I run right back and sit and then stand up again… I just threw a pen at Alex… he’s the nicest guy, but I’m really upset! I explained why, he says he totally understands, god he’s really nice, I feel really bad about the pen now.

Best Friend: I was still in kinda shock and I looked at the “Calm down” guy and asked him what do I do? And the guy says “just calm down and then you’ll know” and then he drove off…

Me:… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? You ask what did I do and he says just calm down and then you’ll know… SO THIS WAS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU GOT HIT!?!? SDKFOIEFSDFSE… I CAN’T EVEN TYPE I’M SO UPSET FOR YOU!!! THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!! TELLING WOMEN IT’S THEIR FAULT WHEN MEN ASSAULT THEM!! YOU KNOW THAT GUY BEATS HIS WIFE AND THEN TELLS HER IT WAS HER FAULT IT HAPPENED!! GGGGAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Best Friend: … okay sweetie, I love the support and outrage… but you misread my text, I asked him “what Do I do”, not “what DID I do”… he was replying I should calm down and then I’ll know, as in I’ll know what to do next…

Me:… oh… well now I feel bad for saying he beat his wife…

Best Friend: Ya, but telling a woman to calm down after someone just hit her is still wrong.

Me: FUCKING RIGHT IT IS!!! WIFE BEATING BASTARD!!!

Feeling

I wanted to do angry kitty image… BUT IT WASN’T FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH!!!!… sorry kitty.

 

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You people make my ass twitch

Me: My ass is twitching.

Hubby: Excuse me?

Me: No seriously, my ass is like really twitching!

Hubby: Why?

Me: I don’t know, although technically it’s not the whole ass that’s twitching, just a cheek.

Hubby: …

Me: The right cheek.

Hubby: …

Me: BABE!

Hubby: What!? I have no idea what you want me to do about this!

Me: I don’t know, maybe just some acknowledgement would be nice!

Hubby: Fine, I acknowledge that your ass is twitching.

Me: …right cheek… well the bottom of the right cheek… technically…

Hubby: And now my eye is twitching.

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