My mind thinks I can save my dog from a shark with a screwdriver… obviously my mind thinks I’m a badass.

My favorite part of the day, is my drive home after work. Not because it’s the end of a work day or I drive though amazing landscape.  It’s because my mind creates the most bizarre storylines when I’m driving home.

I think the drive is my minds way of unwinding from a crazy work day, and some of the things it comes up with is pretty damn good, like HBO quality good.

For example, I’ll tell you the little adventure it sent me on during last nights drive.

It all started with me thinking about this Instagram account I’m following called Camping With Dogs. It’s filled with tons of great photos of people camping with their dogs, hence the pretty spot on account title. Here’s a little taste of some of the visual gold you’ll find on their page.

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GORGEOUS!  So I started thinking that we should really take Orko camping. And then I started imagining all the amazing photo’s we’d take of him being his normal cuteness, but now in camp mode.

My Mind: Ya, and we could take him to the ocean, he’s never been!

Me: Oh my god that’s right! How amazing would that be?

My Mind: Well let me show you!!

And it did!

And it was fucking horrifying.

First it showed us out on a boat in the ocean, having a great time.  Orko would jump off then paddle back to us with his big dopey smile on his face.

But then we saw a shark swimming right for Orko, so being the doggy mommy that I am I grabbed a bowie knife and leapt into the air towards the shark!

Me: Where did I get the knife?

My Mind: What?

Me: Well we’re out on a boat in the ocean, kind of hard to believe Hubby and I brought a bowie knife… we don’t even own one.

My Mind: Fine, fine, how about a screwdriver? Can still be used against the shark and you had it on the boat incase of engine problems.

Me:… okay, I can see that.

So grabbing the screwdriver, I ignore Hubby’s warning shout, and leap into the air onto the back of the shark, stabbing it in the eye.

Me: Tail.

My Mind: What?

Me: Well if Orko is swimming towards the boat and the shark is after him and I leap from the boat onto the shark then I’m facing it’s tail, not it’s face.

My Mind: FINE!

You land on the back of the shark using the momentum you grab onto it’s dorsal fin and flip yourself around so you’re facing it’s head and STAB IT IN THE EYE!

Me: Wow! I’m kind of a badass.

My Mind: More like a pain in ass.

Me: What ever, you had me jump a shark, that’s pretty much the kiss of death for creative writing in any tv show.

My Mind: … I hate you.

 

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Well fuck you too 39!!

So yesterday was my birthday.

I’m usually not a huge celebrater of birthdays, but seeing how this was my last year in the 30’s I thought maybe I’d make an effort… I really wish I hadn’t.

The glorious day started with me late for work, running out the front door, and then proceeding to slam my hand in the door, cursing like a sailer I turned to see my nice elderly neighbor in front of my house walking her dog, trying to ignore the horrified look on her face I gave her a wave with my wounded hand, which in its pain had automatically curled in all my fingers EXCEPT my middle finger… great.

So I finally get myself situated and in my car, and upon turning it on see an interesting new red light on my dashboard in the shape of a tire, I look out my window and yep, there it is, a nice flat tire on my car… great.

I run back in the house yelling at Hubby that I’m going to be taking his car as my tire is flat, and can he get that fixed for me? He asks if I have the AAA card, I dig through my wallet and cuss like a sailer once more as I can’t find the card, Hubby looks over my shoulder and takes this happy moment to point out that my drivers license is expiring… today.

The rest of the day involved me enjoying the wonders that is the DMV after a holiday break, finally getting to work only to have my laptop think it would be funny to freeze for a couple hours, finding out the IT guy is snowed in at the Chicago airport, and then getting home in time to get in a fight with Hubby over my belief that remote control rules should be void for birthday girls.

Happy Fucking Birthday Me!!

I’m actually looking forward to 40, it’s gotta be easier then this… right?

kisses

Birthday kisses from Orko… almost made all of it worth it… almost.

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Orko learned the hard way that bigger is not always better… poor puppy.

Here’s some more pics of our northern adventure in the snow.

Orko loves snow and he loves it even more when it’s in the shape of his favorite object… ball.

So Hubby was making Orko’s day, until things got a little carried away.

Hubby: Okay buddy, here it comes!
Orko: I’m ready!!

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Orko:… um… I’m having doubts.

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Orko: Fuck it, I’m going for it!

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Orko: I’M HIT!!!

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Wise words from Hubby during the holidays

Got a little down this holiday season, but Hubby would have none of that and sent me the following text.

  So like a good wife I did exactly what my Hubby told me to do… at work… Yes that’s a tiara, when I go big, I go all the way!

 
Happy Fucking Holidays!

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My dog, the snowman mutilator!

We took Orko up North to experience the wonders of snow… it took a bad turn… pretty much the moment we got out of the car and Orko noticed the snowman…

Hi there! I’m Orko.

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Ummm, is it just me or does your arm smell like stick?

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I’m just gonna give it a little taste…

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Oooohhh yaa, that’s definitely stick!

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Mmmmm, so tasty!

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I’M JUST BORROWING IT!!!

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When drunken texting goes wrong… and then so right.

 

There are many perks to being my friend:

  1. If you’re sick, I will always stop by with some store bought chicken soup, because if I tried to cook some for you I’d probably accidentally set my kitchen on fire and then give you food poisoning with the end result I bring to you.
  2. I will never ask questions when you call me to come and help you bury a body, in fact I will bring my own shovel.
  3. I’ve got your back in a fight, I’ll probably go down on the first punch, and accidentally take you down with me, but I’ll still have your back!!
  4. Sadly you can’t call me to come bail you out of jail, because there’s a very solid chance I’m in jail with you… let’s be honest, I’m probably the reason we’re there.
  5. DRUNK TEXTING

Seriously my drunk texts are delightful, and a highlight to most of my friends life… sometimes… last night was an excellent example of the sometimes.

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I was getting a little stressed that perhaps those 20 texts before the picture of the bottle had bugged my dear friend Whitney and she was now ignoring me, or worst blocked me!… luckily I was proven wrong.

 

toots

 

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Sometimes you just need a friend to call you a filthy whore.

So I made the classic mistake of inviting people to my house.

It’s not that I don’t like people, I LOVE people. I love feeding people and making them drink absurd amounts of wine, all the while making them go through my photo albums in chronological order from childhood to yesterday.

The part I hate is the cleaning, oh god I hate the cleaning so much.

So the night before my gathering I sent a desperate text to my friend for inspiration to get me off my ass and get cleaning… something I was supposed to be doing that whole day, but instead I watched Netflix and ate Lindt chocolate balls… I’M ONLY HUMAN PEOPLE!!!

Anywho, here’s the conversation that resulted from my plee to her … it did NOT go the way I was thinking it would…

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