Apparently thinking about engines during sex only speeds things along… lol… I just got that…

Classic Sunday afternoon with the entire family sprawled out on the couch. Hubby playing x-box, me with my book, and Orko and CIA Cat fighting over the prime spot between the both of us.

family

Me: hhmmmm

Hubby: what?

Me: So in this book this guy is explaining to the girl how he makes the amore time last longer by thinking about either his mother naked… or dead puppies.

Hubby: ya

Me: YA!?!? OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF????

Hubby: What?? NO!! I was just letting you know that I was listening to you!

Me: I mean your mother naked!?!? That should totally ruin the mood, not help extend it, that’s like some serious Freud shit!! AND DEAD PUPPIES!?!? What sick fuck thinks that and still wants to get it on!?!?!?!?

Hubby: AGAIN! I was just “yaing” to let you know I was LISTENING!!!

Me: Well next time just a simple, “Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell”. Would be an appropriate response.

Hubby: Ya know that’s going to be my reply for everything now.

Me: ANYWHO! The reason I told you was because I was thinking why think horrible things? Why not think something that will temporarily take your mind of.. that… why not thinking about installing spark plugs?

Hubby: Wouldn’t work, you’re putting something that looks like a penis into a hole.

Me:… oh… ya… you’re right.  Okay, how about installing a carburetor?

Hubby: No good, lots of fitting slots into holes and moving it up and down to make sure it fits right, up and down, over and over.

Me: … wow… I had no idea how sexual it is to work on an engine… this really explains why so many men spend their weekends in their garages working on their cars…

Hubby: Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell.

Me:…

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Nature is trying to LITERALLY kill me… LITERALLY!!

So last week I found myself on the couch eating an entire bag of bbq potato chips and drinking a bottle of wine, an excellent combination by the way.  I decided that I needed to counter that bombardment of calories by some nice outdoorsy activity. So I snapped a leash on Orko and off into the desert we went.

The desert in spring is actually really beautiful.  Before we moved to Arizona, I had no idea that cactuses actually bloomed!  So with camera in hand Orko and I hit the trail and went deep into the desert to view some wonders and hike off some chips.

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Behold the floral beauty of the desert.

About 30 minutes into the walk I heard a really weird and really loud noise. It sounded something like CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!!!

I looked at Orko, “What is that? Sounds like a really pissed of bird”. Orko looked back at me with his head tilted as if saying, “I have no idea”, or more like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You think that’s a bird?!? Jesus christ woman think about where we are!!”.

I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk forward and then heard the noise again, CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!! and it seemed closer. Orko has now turned around and is pulling for me to walk the other way. I pulled back on the leash telling him to sit and focus to see where the sound is coming from… and then I see it… I slowly raise my camera… and take the picture…

There's a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

There’s a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

“Okay Orko, it’s time to get the FUCK OUT OF HERE!!”. Orko was way ahead of me and sprinted down the trail dragging my dumb ass behind him.

“I can’t believe I thought it was a fucking bird, it was a fucking rattlesnake!” I screamed at Orko as we flew down the trail.  Orko let out a bark that could have easily translated to “NO FUCK SHERLOCK!!”

Orko and I got back to the car in 5 minutes flat and sped back home where I securely positioned myself back on the couch with a new bag of bbq potato chips and 2 bottles of wine.

Fuck Nature and Fuck Getting Healthy!!

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Well… we can now add kitchen tables to things that SPONTANEOUSLY catch fire in my presence… with very little help from me…

So… I would just like to repeat what I said after the bathroom fire of 2002 AND the oven-mitts fire of 2014… IT WAS NOT MY FRACKING FAULT!!!!

Seriously this time, I really mean it!!

The candle was defective!!!!

And instead of burning out when it came to the end of the wick, LIKE A NORMAL CANDLE!!  It kept burning like some demonic possessed candle causing the bottom of the damn candle jar to get SO hot it cracked.

AND THEN, continuing with its devil blessed flame, it slid out of the cracked jar and settled on top of my new kitchen table.. my new wood topped kitchen table… and kept BURNING ITS SATAN KISSED FLAME!!

Luckily I heard the bottle crack from the bedroom and thinking CIA Cat was attempting to break her last record of 3 glasses being nocked off the kitchen counter, I went into the kitchen to investigate and saw the inferno blaze! … okay maybe wasn’t that big but still…

So I quickly blessed a glass of tap water and tossed it on the devil fire extinguishing it’s evilness… but not before it left a circle of scorched kitchen table :(

fire

Me: Fracking, Frackity, Frackup, FRACK!

And like the man is tied to some cosmic alarm that lets him know when I’ve caught something, or someone on fire, Hubby, who was away at a business thing 2 states away, texted me.

Hubby: What’s up

Me: Why does something have to be up!?!?!

Hubby: … what did you do?

Me: WHY DID I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!?!?

Hubby:… What’s on fire?

Me: IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!!

and here’s the text conversation that followed, and may I say ended in a BRILLIANT TWSS moment…. and yes Hubby also goes by Tony…

photo (38)

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I’M A FRACKING MESS… ARE YOU HAPPY BUDWEISER!!!!

It’s almost Super Bowl time! What does that mean for  me?

It means I’m locked in the bathroom crying over my phone… EVERY FUCKING YEAR BUDWEISER!!!!

 

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It’s 2015 and all I got was this little gecko

So funny story, actually more awkward then funny, the awkwardest part being that I’m not the biggest weirdo in this story.

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but it’s freaking cold outside.  This is normal for some of you, but for us Arizonans it’s THE END OF THE WORLD… or something like that.

Well apparently I’m not the only one having a hard time with this new coldness, as I found out a couple days ago, when I walked to the bathroom and saw a gecko sitting on the toilet seat.

Me: BABE, there’s a gecko on the toilet! What do I do?

Hubby: Well stop staring, and give him some privacy, weirdo!

Me: HE’S NOT POOPING! HE’S JUST SITTING!

Hubby: WHY ARE YOU YELLING!?!

Me: …I DON’T KNOW… it’s Monday… and I just woke up… and I really have to pee.. AND THERE’S A FREAKING GECKO ON THE TOILET!!!!

Hubby finally made an appearance, scooping the gecko up, without hazard gloves or anything, and leaving the room.

Me:… Dude… You just picked him up with your bare hands!!! That was kinda hot.

Hubby (from the kitchen): Weirdo!

So I thought that was the end of it, until I got home that night, and saw a box on the kitchen table.  Being a normal person I lifted the lid off the box and was instantly attacked by a million little crickets hopping for freedom.

Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH I’M GONNA DIE, I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE BY CRICKETS, I JUST KNEW IT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hubby: BABE! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?

Me: GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!

Hubby: Those were for George!

Me (stopping my frenzied hopping around the living room):… who and what now?

Hubby: George, the gecko.  It was too cold to let him out, so I got a box for him and he’s living in the closet until it gets warmer out.

Me:… you named him George?

Hubby: What, I thought it was a good name.

Me: It is… it’s just so something I would do!

Hubby: Great, now I’m the weirdo.

Me: You kinda are, now excuse me I have to go take a shower and burn these clothes.

Hubby: Help me get the crickets back in the box first!

Me (I looked back to the dining room): Too late…. Orko ate them.

Hubby: BAD DOG!

Hello 2015, looks like you’re going to be as interesting as 2014 was.

Per Google Image Search  this is very common.

Per Google Image Search this is very common.

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Tis the Season to make your in-laws feel uncomfortable!!

My sister-in-law just sent a text to Hubby and I including a picture of her son playing with his Hanukkah gift.

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The conversation that followed is probably making her rethink her invitation to let us stay with them over the holiday break.

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

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Doggie Daycare has just shown me that I have absolutely no self control… or dignity.

So per my post a while ago, I swore to NEVER enter my dog in another beauty contest… and I didn’t… not really… it was a costume contest… STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Orko’s doggie daycare was having a halloween costume contest.  All you had to do is send in a pic of your dog in their halloween costume and they would post the pic on their Facebook page and the dog with the most likes would win a free day of daycare.

Well I sent in Orko’s pic and then had everyone I know go on to Facebook and like the picture… and… WE WON!!!

Captain Orko

But seriously how could you not vote for the worlds cutest Captain Amer’Orko’ you ever did see.

Not only do we have a free day of daycare, but he also got his picture posted as their profile pic and cover photo! I’m such a proud mama… and I swear this is the last contest I enter him in… probably…

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