THANKS A LOT CAPTCHA! YOU BROKE ME!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?!?!?!?!

So per my last post, I’ve entered my dog in a beauty contest… shut up.

And every day I’m going on to the voting page to vote like a thousand times… shut up.

It wouldn’t be that bad but for those freaking ‘Prove You’re A Human’ captcha codes, which I swear are getting harder and harder the more I vote.  Which leads me to today’s…

Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 10.06.32 AM

… well there ya go… it’s what I always thought… I’M NOT EVEN A FUCKING HUMAN!! I MUST BE A FUCKING MYTHICAL BEAST! LIKE A FUCKING UNICORN! I’M GOING TO GO FROLIC IN THE FUCKING WOODS WITH THE REST OF MY KIND!!  YOU DROVE ME TO THIS CAPTCHA!!!!!!!

… wow… um okay…  I think it might be time to withdraw Orko from this beauty contest… I’m beginning to break under the mental stress… I’m just a unicorn after all.

pretty-unicorn

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I’ve become a pageant mom and I don’t even have a child… well not technically

Okay, so there’s this contest AZFoothills Magazine has each year for Arizona’s Cutest Dog , and this year I entered Orko.  I mean come on, look at that face!

Orko

Now I mistakenly thought this was going to be a fair and rational contest. I thought that for 1 month I’d log on the site each day and vote ONCE for Orko and encourage my friends to do the same.  And by encourage I mean brow beat, harass, nag, and just be a complete pain in the ass for the entire month of August.  Then the 5 dogs with the highest votes would be judged by a ‘pet panel’ from the magazine and a winner would be announced.

But no, no that’s not how this “contest” works.  You have unlimited votes each day for the entire month… which means this contest is not about the cutest dog… it’s about the owner that has the most time on their hands and the ability to decipher those crazy annoying captcha codes.

For the first few days I was able to keep Orko in the top 5. Every night I would be spend an hour or two madly typing away at my laptop trying to figure out if the captcha word was garbleduchess or gobblinduckes.

But sadly, actually having a life and a screaming case of carpal tunnel syndrome has caused Orko to drop down to 6th place. So if you have pity for me, and a keen ability to decrypt captcha code, feel free to vote a couple thousand times for my child, Orko.

Captcha-Robot-Meme

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If you live in Arizona, please do not be alarmed by fire balls in the sky for the next month…

After doing some number crunching Hubby and I discovered that we spend around the sum of a small countries national income on eating out.

We decided to make all our meals at home… outside… on the grill.  Hubby’s request, apparently all my kitchen adventures makes him a little flinchy when it comes to home cooked meals.

Grilling. is. Awesome. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before! I’m awesome at grilling, although the first day was a little concerning. It was captured in a text to my girlfriend, Whitney.

text

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So Facebook Says You Have Hundreds of Friends… PROVE IT.

This is going to be weird for some of you, but I’m about to post a serious post.  I know, I rarely do these as I really hate being serious.  But something has happened to a dear friend of mine that has kind of really pissed me off and I just need to vent. Again this is just me venting my opinion and thoughts, mine only.

You all know my friend Sheri.  She and I have been through a lot, like a lot, like seriously a lot.

Well something truly awful happened to her… her Barkley died.

Hold1Hold2

He wasn’t even 2 years old yet, and the way he died was so awful and horrible that I’m not going to tell you, honestly you don’t want to know. It would haunt you, it still haunts me.

But the most awful thing was that Sheri was there, holding him, suffering with him, through it all, all his pain and confusion and fear.  And all she could do was tell him it was going to be okay and she loved him so much.

They rushed to the vet where he went immediately into surgery. At first she thought it was going to be okay, he’d made it through surgery, he was resting, come back tomorrow. Then the phone call, we’re sorry, he didn’t make it, his heart gave out, too much trauma, we’re so very sorry.

On the day Sheri received Barkley’s ashes, she also received a $2,500 vet bill.

When Sheri posted on Facebook that Barkley died, she got tons of comments, friends telling her how awful it was her puppy died, how much they loved her, how much they were thinking of her, how much they wish they could help.

So a go fund me site was set up to help her pay the vet bill.

The site has been up for almost 2 weeks and 17 people have stepped forward to help Sheri… Sheri has 467 friends on Facebook… 17 out of her 467 “friends” gave a total of $700, towards a $2,500 goal…

If you would like to help Sheri, please click here.  Any amount will help, no matter how small, because sometimes it’s just nice to know you have a friend out there, a real friend.

Barkley

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All men should be required to take a kick to the crotch once every year, it will be like taxes, everyone having to pay for the few bad ones. I know that’s not how taxes work but shut up, I’m making a point… badly.

Sorry that’s like a ridiculously long title but DUDE.

I received a text from my best friend that SO pissed me off that I… She… We… AAAHHHHGGGGGG!!!… I’m still really annoyed.

Best Friend: Dude on a bike just assaulted me through my window. While calling me cunt for almost hitting him because he ran a stop sign.

Me: WHAT!?!? He didn’t really touch you did he?!?

Best Friend: He ducking punched me in the head

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!?! FUCKING DRIVE HIM DOWN IN SELF DEFENSE!!!

Best Friend: And when I screamed for help, a guy stopped and told me “Calm down, you’re fine.”

Me: WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
FUCKING MEN!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!
THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!!
YA LET’S TELL THE WOMAN WHO’S BEING ASSAULTED THAT “you’re fine”.

Best Friend: I told him the biker just punched me in the head, and then the biker said no he didn’t and rode off.

Me: … I’m so angry right now… I’m shaking, I have to keep getting up to walk away from my desk and then I run right back and sit and then stand up again… I just threw a pen at Alex… he’s the nicest guy, but I’m really upset! I explained why, he says he totally understands, god he’s really nice, I feel really bad about the pen now.

Best Friend: I was still in kinda shock and I looked at the “Calm down” guy and asked him what do I do? And the guy says “just calm down and then you’ll know” and then he drove off…

Me:… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? You ask what did I do and he says just calm down and then you’ll know… SO THIS WAS YOUR FAULT THAT YOU GOT HIT!?!? SDKFOIEFSDFSE… I CAN’T EVEN TYPE I’M SO UPSET FOR YOU!!! THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD!!! TELLING WOMEN IT’S THEIR FAULT WHEN MEN ASSAULT THEM!! YOU KNOW THAT GUY BEATS HIS WIFE AND THEN TELLS HER IT WAS HER FAULT IT HAPPENED!! GGGGAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Best Friend: … okay sweetie, I love the support and outrage… but you misread my text, I asked him “what Do I do”, not “what DID I do”… he was replying I should calm down and then I’ll know, as in I’ll know what to do next…

Me:… oh… well now I feel bad for saying he beat his wife…

Best Friend: Ya, but telling a woman to calm down after someone just hit her is still wrong.

Me: FUCKING RIGHT IT IS!!! WIFE BEATING BASTARD!!!

Feeling

I wanted to do angry kitty image… BUT IT WASN’T FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH!!!!… sorry kitty.

 

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You people make my ass twitch

Me: My ass is twitching.

Hubby: Excuse me?

Me: No seriously, my ass is like really twitching!

Hubby: Why?

Me: I don’t know, although technically it’s not the whole ass that’s twitching, just a cheek.

Hubby: …

Me: The right cheek.

Hubby: …

Me: BABE!

Hubby: What!? I have no idea what you want me to do about this!

Me: I don’t know, maybe just some acknowledgement would be nice!

Hubby: Fine, I acknowledge that your ass is twitching.

Me: …right cheek… well the bottom of the right cheek… technically…

Hubby: And now my eye is twitching.

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I tried to cook and ended up passing out, BUT NOTHING WAS SET ON FIRE!

So against my Hubby’s wishes, I cooked this weekend!  Granted there has been one or two slight mishaps during my last culinary explorations, I believe we all remember the great turkey fire of ’13.

But my favorite little lady, and cook extraordinaire, Tracy posted this AMAZING recipe for Guinness candied bacon on her blog scratichitcook.com. And seeing how the main recipes included everything I like, Bacon, Alcohol, and Sugar. I decided to give it a try,  I mean it only involved 3 ingredients, how hard could it be?!

What follows are the texts that I sent to her as the disaster began unfolding…

WTF! I’m having some serious issues with this bacon recipe!!

First off the only brown sugar options at the grocery store was light or dark… your recipe calls for just brown sugar… APPARENTLY THAT DOESN’T EGSIST!!…  WHICH SHOULD I BUY!?!?!

I went with dark

photo 2 (11)

I only use 1/4 cup of Guinness?? WHAT DO I DO WITH THE REST?!?! it seems so wasteful… 

It’s 9:00am here… what time does that make it in Ireland?

Never mind, I figured it out.

photo 4 (4)

What kind of description is “frothy”… is this frothy!?!?!

photo 3 (5)

What the hell is a baking rack?? Can I  just use my rack in the oven??… that seems messy.

Never mind, I MacGyvered a turkey rack thing…

photo 1 (12)

Okay this thing only fits 2 slices… this is gonna take a while to cook a pound of bacon.

photo 5 (3)

PS I’m spooning the bacon… HAHAHAHAHAHA, I mean instead of “brushing it” like you put in the recipe… I may be on my 2nd Guinness…

OMG!!! 10 minutes on each side is taking FOREVER!!! I’m on my 4th turn with the same first 2 bacon slices!!!

OKAY on my 3rd Guinness and the first two slices are done!

30 MINUTES TO AN HOUR FOR THE BACON TO COOL!! How hot is this bacon, like the center of the earth got??!!?? I’m so hunngy… and drank

(30 minutes later)

Oh Sweet Baby Jane, that’s good

And it was good, like really freaking good, Hubby said it tasted like fancy restaurant bacon! Tracy replied later that day, apparently she had been hiking during my complete text melt down. However, I didn’t get to read her reply until later that night, as I was passed out on the couch full of amazingly yummy bacon and a whole lot of Guinness. But hers was a simple reply…

I freaking love you

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