I’M A FRACKING MESS… ARE YOU HAPPY BUDWEISER!!!!

It’s almost Super Bowl time! What does that mean for  me?

It means I’m locked in the bathroom crying over my phone… EVERY FUCKING YEAR BUDWEISER!!!!

 

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It’s 2015 and all I got was this little gecko

So funny story, actually more awkward then funny, the awkwardest part being that I’m not the biggest weirdo in this story.

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but it’s freaking cold outside.  This is normal for some of you, but for us Arizonans it’s THE END OF THE WORLD… or something like that.

Well apparently I’m not the only one having a hard time with this new coldness, as I found out a couple days ago, when I walked to the bathroom and saw a gecko sitting on the toilet seat.

Me: BABE, there’s a gecko on the toilet! What do I do?

Hubby: Well stop staring, and give him some privacy, weirdo!

Me: HE’S NOT POOPING! HE’S JUST SITTING!

Hubby: WHY ARE YOU YELLING!?!

Me: …I DON’T KNOW… it’s Monday… and I just woke up… and I really have to pee.. AND THERE’S A FREAKING GECKO ON THE TOILET!!!!

Hubby finally made an appearance, scooping the gecko up, without hazard gloves or anything, and leaving the room.

Me:… Dude… You just picked him up with your bare hands!!! That was kinda hot.

Hubby (from the kitchen): Weirdo!

So I thought that was the end of it, until I got home that night, and saw a box on the kitchen table.  Being a normal person I lifted the lid off the box and was instantly attacked by a million little crickets hopping for freedom.

Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH I’M GONNA DIE, I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE BY CRICKETS, I JUST KNEW IT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hubby: BABE! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?

Me: GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!

Hubby: Those were for George!

Me (stopping my frenzied hopping around the living room):… who and what now?

Hubby: George, the gecko.  It was too cold to let him out, so I got a box for him and he’s living in the closet until it gets warmer out.

Me:… you named him George?

Hubby: What, I thought it was a good name.

Me: It is… it’s just so something I would do!

Hubby: Great, now I’m the weirdo.

Me: You kinda are, now excuse me I have to go take a shower and burn these clothes.

Hubby: Help me get the crickets back in the box first!

Me (I looked back to the dining room): Too late…. Orko ate them.

Hubby: BAD DOG!

Hello 2015, looks like you’re going to be as interesting as 2014 was.

Per Google Image Search  this is very common.

Per Google Image Search this is very common.

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Tis the Season to make your in-laws feel uncomfortable!!

My sister-in-law just sent a text to Hubby and I including a picture of her son playing with his Hanukkah gift.

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The conversation that followed is probably making her rethink her invitation to let us stay with them over the holiday break.

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!

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Doggie Daycare has just shown me that I have absolutely no self control… or dignity.

So per my post a while ago, I swore to NEVER enter my dog in another beauty contest… and I didn’t… not really… it was a costume contest… STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Orko’s doggie daycare was having a halloween costume contest.  All you had to do is send in a pic of your dog in their halloween costume and they would post the pic on their Facebook page and the dog with the most likes would win a free day of daycare.

Well I sent in Orko’s pic and then had everyone I know go on to Facebook and like the picture… and… WE WON!!!

Captain Orko

But seriously how could you not vote for the worlds cutest Captain Amer’Orko’ you ever did see.

Not only do we have a free day of daycare, but he also got his picture posted as their profile pic and cover photo! I’m such a proud mama… and I swear this is the last contest I enter him in… probably…

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I have found the greatest music video of all time… OF. ALL. TIME!!!!! And no, I’m not overselling this

My friend sent me a link to a video with the following message:

“I saw this video last night and thought you’d like it – if you haven’t already seen it – which would shock me – don’t let the first part depress you – it will become clear why I think you’ll like it – if you haven’t already seen it – which would be shocking.”

Color me intrigued, so I watched it… and…. I LOVE IT!!!

HOW HAVE NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE!!????!!!!

HOW HAS MY LIFE HAD REASON BEFORE SEEING THIS VIDEO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

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It was like someone put a mirror in front of my face and all I saw was Honey Boo Boo’s mother.

So per my last bajillion posts I entered my dog in a ‘Cutest Dog Contest’ and with much nagging and some bribery got him into the final judging, which was done this weekend.

So after taking him to the groomer to get all washed and buffed, and then strapping a ridiculously cute bow tie on him (cause bow ties are cool), which he was not a fan of, we arrived at the doggy boutique that was hosting the event.

It only took me a couple moments until I started getting a bad feeling, I was noticing things, things pointing out the similarities of my current surroundings to… Tiaras and Toddlers… oh. my. god.

There was a woman with an incredibly fluffy white dog, well I think it was a dog, seriously there could have been anything under all that fur, who was furiously brushing its white puffiness, telling it how beautiful it was and all the other dogs here were ugly… no lie.

Another woman had dressed her dog as a pirate and was yelling at him for trying to shake off his Captain Jack dreadlocks wig.

One man was shoving doggie treat after doggie treat into his dogs mouth to keep him from barking at other dogs.

And then there was me… with a much fluffier then normal Orko… who was wearing a bow tie… that he obviously hated… oh god… I was one of them… these were my people…

Before I could turn and get us both the hell out of there I heard it… “And next we have Orko!”

Oh Shit.

Orko and I walked down the red carpet, seriously I wish I was making that part up, as the announcer voice boomed over us.

Announcer: “Orko likes playing frisbee with his daddy and getting treats for being a good boy!”

We came to the end of the runway, to where the judge was sitting and a photographer was jumping around, yelling Orko’s name to get “the” shot.

Judge: Can he do anything?

Photographer: ORKO LOOK AT ME, AT ME ORKO!!!

Me: Well he’s got being a dog down pretty good.

Judge: I mean anything impressive?

Photographer: ORKO ORKO ORKO HERE BUDDY LOOK AT ME, ORKOOOOO!!!!

Now Orko can do lots of impressive things, handshakes, high five, double high five, dancing, playing dead.  But this snooty judge, and caffeine high photographer, were just too ridiculous. So I decided it was time to end the insanity and show these people that Orko and I were NOT one of them.

Me: He has excellent bladder control.

Judge: Excuse me?

Me: I’ll show you.

Pointing to the photographer, who was now laying on the floor in front of an alarmed Orko, and still screaming his name.

Me: Potty!

And being the good boy he is, Orko instantly raised a leg.

Announcer: THANK YOU ORKO!!!! YOU CAN LEAVE THE CARPET NOW!!!!!

And we did, we walked off the red carpet, out the front door, and straight to a Starbucks where Orko got a big puppiccino, a bigger apology from me, and was finally released from his bow tie… even though it was cool.

 

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MY BABY’S GOING TO THE FINALS!!! (baby = dog) (finals = cutest dog contest)… (your judging = shut up).

So as I previously posted I entered our adorkable dog Orko into a doggy beauty pageant aaaannnnndddddd HE’S A FINALIST!!!!!!!

That’s right! Hours of deciphering messed up captchas, and bribing co-workers with pizza to vote a hundred times each, finally paid off!!!!!!

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I was not joking about that!

Orko is a finalist and will being judged this Sunday with 14 other dogs!!!!

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I too excited about this??? PROBABLY! But Shut Up!!!!

My baby’s gonna be a star!!!!!!

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Gonna be a star Orko, gonna be. We haven’t won this yet!!!!

 

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