40 minutes of my life that included happiness, sadness, frustration, exhilaration, and being shot.

RIVAL

Behold the beauty that is my NEW Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200… shoots Nerf balls at 70 miles per hour!!!

12:25pm – The glory that is my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200 arrives at work.

12:30pm – After 5 minutes of hacking, pulling, screaming, and crying, FINALLY get my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200 out of the box.

12:35pm – Walk around my office showing off the awesomeness that is my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200.

12:36pm – After failed attempt to shoot co-worker in the head with my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200, realize it wont work without batteries… 6 C batteries.

12:47pm – Return from Wal-Mart with batteries and prepare to attack fellow office mates with my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200.

12:50pm – I’VE BEEN SHOT!!! Handed my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200 to my boss for him to admire the craftsmanship and he shot me point blank!!! IN THE GUT!!!

12:55pm – Have my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200 back in my hands and have now declared war on everyone in my office.

1:00pm – Have lost all the mini yellow Nerf bullets that came with my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200.

1:05pm – Amazon order placed for 100 more mini yellow Nerf Bullets for my new Nerf Rival Zeus MXV-1200.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

HEY! I’m not hitting on you, I’m just trying to pimp out my friend!

So I have a beautiful girlfriend that has been single for WAY too long and I have recently made it my mission to get her hooked up with a handsome fella.

However, I’ve hit some unforeseen snags… ya you knew that was coming.

I don’t know if any of you have tried to hook up your friend, when your friend is not actually with you at time of attempted hook up, but… it’s hard!

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES PEOPLE!!

Top 5 things to do when attempting to hook up a friend, when said friend is not with you:

1. When you’ve spotted a potential mate for your absentee friend and walk up to them DO NOT START WITH “hey you’re handsome, are you single?”, especially if your Hubby is standing right next to you. There will be confusion on both sides, actually more anger then confusion on one of the sides.

This leads us to #2

2. Start with, “I have a friend that’s single” and then finish with “can I get your digits for her?”. They are thrown off by your adorable old timey referral of phone numbers as digits and may actually give theirs to you.

3. Have a picture on hand of said friend.
UPDATE: Have an attractive picture of your friend on hand.  NOT the picture you took of her that one time she got splashed from a puddle by a passing car and you took the picture because the splash had made it look like she had peed her pants… even though it’s really funny it is NOT the best picture for amore.

4. Let your friend now that you are pimping helping her to find the man of her dreams and you have given out her cell number to 20 potential husbands whom you met at the grocery store,  a couple restaurants, the dog park, and that one guy who was selling fruit on the corner (he was a real go getter).

5. Run, apparently your friend does not appreciate your hard work and is now out to kill you for giving her number to “potential psychopaths” which you feel is an extreme exaggeration on her part, but still… run.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

We’ve got a puppy down… PUPPY DOWN!!!

Orko being the lovable klutz that he is somehow managed to rip a part of his paw pad while going pee in front of the house… he’s talented.

I can tell you this now in a calm, peaceful, joking demeanor… but during the incident I was of a different character.

Bursting through the doorway carrying a confused Orko with all 4 paws straight up in the air.

Me: ORKO’S HURT!!!!!

Hubby: What!? How!? Where!?!

Me: DON’T GET ALL REPORTER ON ME MAN! WHERE’S THE BANDAGES!?!?

Hubby: Well at least let me see!

Me: DON’T TOUCH HIM!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE INJURY IS!!!

Hubby: Then how do you know he’s hurt!?

Me: HE LIMPED!!!

Hubby: He limped… as in singular?

Me: WHAT AM I SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON THAT I’M GOING TO MAKE HIM PROVE THE DEPTH OF HIS INJURY?!?! ONE LIMP IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!

Hubby: Okay wacko, put him down and let me see what we’re dealing with.

And I did, and we found a little piece of skin hanging off his paw. Hubby then suggested we just cut the piece off ourselves and then bandage it up. I agreed, but first asked that he showed me his diploma from graduating vet school, with honors! He then reiterated I was a wacko, which I ignored and went off to call a real vet.

2 hours later Orko was back home with a wrapped paw, some antibiotic pills, and a truly pissed off mommy.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE SAID WE COULD HAVE DONE THAT OURSELVES!? WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!?!?

Hubby: Well per the diploma on her wall, someone who graduated from vet school… with honors.

unhappy puppy

A very cranky Orko on mandatory couch rest.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The stars were late and my mother was naked… pretty much…

So Because I’m an amazing daughter I purchased a STELLAR birthday gift for my mother… literally.

From my past posts you know that my parents are happily retired on their organic garlic farm in Washington returning to their younger days of hippiness. (it’s a word).

They also have gotten into astrology and tote their telescope during all their outings to see the wonders of the stars.

SO I ordered my mother this!

HorseHead_Nebula

Okay don’t get too impressed, I did not get my mother the HorseHead Nebula.

BUT I did get her a 100% Silk Scarf with the HorseHead Nebula printed on it!

slowfactory_315

I don’t get why they chose this woman to model the scarf, she looks confused, and uncertain of what a scarf is supposed to do…

example #2…

slowfactory_349

WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!?! SWEETIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! STOP TRYING TO HANG YOURSELF WITH THE HORSEHEAD NEBULA!!!

Anywho I ordered my mother the scarf and paid the hefty fee for next day delivery just to make sure my mother got it before her birthday… but they sent it regular day mail… so it was late…

I wrote an email explaining that I would like a refund for my next day fee seeing how it was sent SNAIL MAIL and that because of this mistake my mother would get her birthday gift AFTER her birthday.

I have to admit the customer support woman replied very quickly and was very apologetic and she followed up with me a couple days after my mother had received her gift just to check to make sure she was enjoying her scarf. Below is our correspondence…

Hello Mona,

I refunded your $25 shipment payment, did you receive the package and the refund?

Again, my sincere apologies for this mistake,

Best,
Celine

Hello Celine,

I got the refund and the package arrived on Monday. My mother LOVES it!! She sent pictures to me of her wearing the scarf as a dress outside their cabin, and she has a huge smile on her face.  I would share and attach the photo, but my parents are hippies… and mom went au natural underneath the scarf… the very sheer scarf…

Thanks again!
Mona

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How a text almost ended my marriage… and other fun facts about moving

So as I mentioned in my last post, which you of course have not forgotten as the written image of CIA Cat exploding from both ends is seared into your brain, right next to that one horrifying time you accidentally saw your parents having sex… *shudder*… Hubby and I are moving.

Now because we’re moving into a larger place so Hubby’s mother can move in with us for “a short time, which no one is actually willing to say how long short is”… stop laughing… he has been doing everything in his power to make the move as easy for me as possible. Which WAS awesome.

Yes, I used the word was, as in past tense, as in THAT IS NO LONGER THE FREAKING CASE!!!

A month before the Big Move, Hubby was packing items and moving filled boxes to a storage facility. A week before the Big Move Hubby was reserving the movers to come while I was at work and ordering a steam vacuum to fix the horrors that our pets had bestowed upon the carpet. Everything was set for the Big Move on Friday. And then on Wednesday I get the text…

Hubby: Babe?

Me: What’s up moving machine!!

Hubby: I am so sorry.

Me: You dropped my grandmothers china didn’t you!?!?!

Hubby: no

Me: oh… too bad, that stuff is kinda ugly.

Hubby: My work just called and they need me in Portland on Friday.

Me:… Friday, as in our our moving day Friday?

Hubby: yes

Me: … okay… when are you coming back? We have to be all moved and cleaned and out by Monday.

Hubby: …

Me:…

Hubby:….

Me: WHEN

Me: ARE

Me: YOU

Me: COMING

Me: BACK

Me:?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hubby: Tuesday

Me:.. I want a divorce.

Hubby: You would still have to move.

Me: fuck.

Now that I'm in charge of the move I've been doing some research... this is good to know!

Now that I’m in charge of the move I’ve been doing some research… this is good to know!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

My weekend, trapped in a car with an exploding cat, a screaming Hubby, and a dog who is disgusted with all of us.

So Hubby and I are leaving our 2 bedroom condo and moving into a 3 bedroom townhouse as, *dramatic pause*, my mother-in-law is moving in with us. Duh Duh DUUUUHHHHH!

It’s okay, I’ve come to grasps with it and am naively looking forward to it…

Anywho, Me, Hubby, Orko, and CIA Cat had to vacate our condo for an hour while it was being toured by potential renters. So we packed up CIA Cat in her carrier, put her in the back seat with Orko, and off we went to drive around the neighborhood until we get the all clear call from the realtor.

Hubby: Do you think they’re going through our drawers?

Me: Why? Why would they do that?

Hubby: I don’t know, some people get snoopy during these tours.

Me: We didn’t open people’s drawers when we were looking at townhomes!

Hubby: Well ya, but we’re normal.

Me:…

Hubby: Mostly normal, I’m just… UUGGGHHHH WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

Hubby and I look into the back seat, Orko had pushed himself into the farthest corner of the back seat and was looking at us with a look that said, “IT WASN’T ME!”.  We all then looked over at CIA Cat’s carrier and see her pinched concentrated face looking back at us.

Me: Oh God, she’s pooping!!

Hubby: Wow, that is lethal!

We quickly rolled down our windows and stuck out our heads, Orko let out a sharp bark and we rolled his window down too.  He then proceeded to push his body so far out the window, that I was concerned he was going to just vault out to get away from CIA Cat’s bomb.  I  leaned across her carrier and held on to Orko’s harness to keep him in the car.

Me: Pull over!  We need to evacuate!!

Hubby: Hold on, I’m heading for an exit!

CIA Cat: HURGH HURGH HURGH

Me: OH MY GOD! SHE’S GONNA THROW UP!!!

Hubby: Do you blame her?  She stuck in a box with that!

CIA Cat: BLARCK!!

Me: OH GOD!! SHE SHOT IT OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN, IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! IT’S ON ME!!! IT’S ON ME!!!!

Hubby: GET BACK TO THE FRONT SEAT!!!

Me: I CAN’T!! ORKO IS TRYING TO BAIL OUT THE WINDOW, I CAN’T LET GO OF HIM!!!

Hubby finally pulled the car over at the next exit and we all fell out of the disaster zone that was our car… leaving CIA Cat.

Me: I feel like this is animal abuse.

Hubby: Are you kidding?! We’ve just been abused!  Besides we still have to clean her off when we get home.

Me: I say we just hose it down.

Hubby: The crate?

Me: The crate with CIA Cat still in it.

Hubby: Okay pretty sure THAT is animal abuse.

We didn’t do that, we let her out before hosing her down, she still gives us the cat finger every time we walk by her.

Posted in CIA Cat, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

I can tell you think you’re insulting me, but I’m only hearing “YOU’RE FRACKING AWESOME!”… “and funny”… “and dog gone it, people like you”.

Found this post on Tumblr that describes what kind of writer you are by your  sign… here’s mine…

Capricorn: They don’t write one-shots. Everything (and yes they do mean *everything*) they write is part of a series or their overarching mega-macro-universe. Expect to see cameos, familiar faces, and recurring themes across all their books!

I thought this was the greatest description ever, so I read it to Hubby, who pointed out it was saying that I can’t come up with any new material and I write about the same things and people over and over…

So then I read Hubby’s sign…

Taurus: They may appear to have a controlled exterior, but all of that changes the instant you ask them about their characters. They write the most lovable & sweet characters, and they also happen to be their own #1 biggest fan— so beware talking smack about their babies.

Me: huh

Hubby: What? What did mine say??

Me: … you smack babies.

Hubby: WHAT?!?

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