It was like someone put a mirror in front of my face and all I saw was Honey Boo Boo’s mother.

So per my last bajillion posts I entered my dog in a ‘Cutest Dog Contest’ and with much nagging and some bribery got him into the final judging, which was done this weekend.

So after taking him to the groomer to get all washed and buffed, and then strapping a ridiculously cute bow tie on him (cause bow ties are cool), which he was not a fan of, we arrived at the doggy boutique that was hosting the event.

It only took me a couple moments until I started getting a bad feeling, I was noticing things, things pointing out the similarities of my current surroundings to… Tiaras and Toddlers… oh. my. god.

There was a woman with an incredibly fluffy white dog, well I think it was a dog, seriously there could have been anything under all that fur, who was furiously brushing its white puffiness, telling it how beautiful it was and all the other dogs here were ugly… no lie.

Another woman had dressed her dog as a pirate and was yelling at him for trying to shake off his Captain Jack dreadlocks wig.

One man was shoving doggie treat after doggie treat into his dogs mouth to keep him from barking at other dogs.

And then there was me… with a much fluffier then normal Orko… who was wearing a bow tie… that he obviously hated… oh god… I was one of them… these were my people…

Before I could turn and get us both the hell out of there I heard it… “And next we have Orko!”

Oh Shit.

Orko and I walked down the red carpet, seriously I wish I was making that part up, as the announcer voice boomed over us.

Announcer: “Orko likes playing frisbee with his daddy and getting treats for being a good boy!”

We came to the end of the runway, to where the judge was sitting and a photographer was jumping around, yelling Orko’s name to get “the” shot.

Judge: Can he do anything?

Photographer: ORKO LOOK AT ME, AT ME ORKO!!!

Me: Well he’s got being a dog down pretty good.

Judge: I mean anything impressive?

Photographer: ORKO ORKO ORKO HERE BUDDY LOOK AT ME, ORKOOOOO!!!!

Now Orko can do lots of impressive things, handshakes, high five, double high five, dancing, playing dead.  But this snooty judge, and caffeine high photographer, were just too ridiculous. So I decided it was time to end the insanity and show these people that Orko and I were NOT one of them.

Me: He has excellent bladder control.

Judge: Excuse me?

Me: I’ll show you.

Pointing to the photographer, who was now laying on the floor in front of an alarmed Orko, and still screaming his name.

Me: Potty!

And being the good boy he is, Orko instantly raised a leg.

Announcer: THANK YOU ORKO!!!! YOU CAN LEAVE THE CARPET NOW!!!!!

And we did, we walked off the red carpet, out the front door, and straight to a Starbucks where Orko got a big puppiccino, a bigger apology from me, and was finally released from his bow tie… even though it was cool.

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

MY BABY’S GOING TO THE FINALS!!! (baby = dog) (finals = cutest dog contest)… (your judging = shut up).

So as I previously posted I entered our adorkable dog Orko into a doggy beauty pageant aaaannnnndddddd HE’S A FINALIST!!!!!!!

That’s right! Hours of deciphering messed up captchas, and bribing co-workers with pizza to vote a hundred times each, finally paid off!!!!!!

Voters3

I was not joking about that!

Orko is a finalist and will being judged this Sunday with 14 other dogs!!!!

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I too excited about this??? PROBABLY! But Shut Up!!!!

My baby’s gonna be a star!!!!!!

Slide1

Gonna be a star Orko, gonna be. We haven’t won this yet!!!!

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I can’t be trusted to be left alone in an ER room… CLEAR!!

Currently sitting in an ER room waiting for Hubby to come back from some tests.

He’s okay, they just want to see if they can make him pass out by strapping him on a board and tilting it a whole bunch of directions…

Now that I think about it he might not be okay, that sounds a lot like torture… isn’t there a thing they do to make people talk that involves water and a board?? Wish I could remember what it’s called…

But seriously, I don’t have time to worry about Hubby, the person I really need to worry about is ME!…  as I’ve been left alone in an ER room… that is stalked full of interesting hospital machines…. and I think one of them is a defibrillator… and I want to play with it…

Hell ya

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

So apparently, I’m NOT Spanish!

While looking for couple halloween costume ideas, I found the following and quickly texted it to Hubby, with the wording “not sure how I feel about this”.

photo (5)

Hubby: Because it involves a mustache and mustaches freak you out?

Me: No

Hubby: Because someone might actually try to beat you until candy comes out, and by “someone” I don’t mean me, but you know “someone”?

Me: … dude… and no.

Hubby: Does it have to do with something regarding her wearing the wrong shoes and she should have worn the other ones?

Me: OH I hadn’t even noticed that! Look at you all shoe savvy!! And no.

Hubby: Okay I give up and no longer really care.

Me: It’s because it’s a stereotype against our people being all abusive and stuff.

Hubby: Our people?

Me: Ya spanish people, cause we’re spanish.

Hubby: I’m spanish

Me: But I’m married to you so I’m part spanish too!

Hubby: No, you’re not.

Me: um ya I am!

Hubby: Say something in Spanish.

Me: I’m el spanisho?

Hubby: … wow…

Me: WHAT?!?

Me: So I’m NOT spanish???

Me: HELLO!?!?!

Me: … el helloe??…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Bad news, the dog is limping and no longer loves and/or trust me… Good news, if I’m ever attacked by ninjas while sleep walking, they don’t stand a chance

So Hubby being a wonderful man, who for some reason is still married to the mess of a woman that is me after 14 years, made me breakfast.  Granted he made it at 3am, did I mention Hubby has an insomnia issue, but still very sweet.

Anwho, he was nice enough to not wake me up and instead leave me a note, so that when I got up I would know where to find my delicious breakfast and apparently our puppies breakfast too. Here’s the note:

notes

See!?! SO SWEET… except… he taped it face level on the bedroom door frame… which doesn’t sound bad… but I’m not a big “morning person”… so I groggily struggled out of bed… shuffled to the doorway… and then… in my mind… WAS ATTACKED BY NINJAS!!!!

Naturally I went into defense attack mode, which strongly resembles a person walking into a spider web. My arms and legs were flailing madly, while I attempted to keep the attackers from snapping my neck… unfortunately our puppy Orko ran over to see what was going on and got a quick kick to the butt sending him sliding into the bathroom.

Once I calmed down, and looked to see if there were any Ninjas left alive, I finally saw the note… and then I laughed… Orko did not… Pretty sure my favorite heels are going to be facing some retribution soon… all because Hubby had to be so sweet… jerk.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The toilet, the toilet, the toilet’s on fire!!

UGH! It’s been centuries since my last post, but I have excellent reasons for being gone so long!!!… however I don’t have time to tell you… but I will… soon… maybe.

Okay, short of the long, Hubby had a near death experience, I KNOW!! Finally its not just me having those in our relationship.

But in all seriousness, which you know I suck at, Hubby had a medical condition that caused him to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance and I got the call that no one ever wants from a fireman paramedic… which, being me, took him like 10 minutes to get me to understand what happened as I thought he was calling to say I had finally burnt down our house… such a long story.

BUT that’s for another blog, good news is that Hubby is recouping, and I will hopefully be writing some posts soon to share the whole crazy debacle with you all.

In the mean time here’s a text conversation my friend Whitney and I had regarding eating too much at a work potluck and having some SERIOUS stomach issues after… enjoy!

photo (4)

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Give You The Greatest Email You Will EVER Get From An IT Department

So we just got this office wide email from our IT department, which consists of 2 guys, and it’s fucking brilliant.  Don’t just take my word for it, read the email yourself:

Hey Kids,

Over the weekend Alex and I changed the IP address scheme for the office.  The previous setup (when the domain was created years ago) limited us to only 254 network devices total, including all servers, laptops, desktops, virtual machines, wireless access points, desk phones, cell phones, tablets, blah, blah, blah.  As you may have put together, that’s not a whole lot.  So, we changed that this weekend, and we now have address space for a total of 65,534 devices.  So, that should buy us a few weeks before you guys flood our network with more VMs, tablets, and whatever else you crazy kids are buying these days.  Enjoy your new-found device freedom, and network your ass off until you pass out from excitement and/or booze.

So, long story short, you really have nothing you need to do (except praise the IT department for their IT acumen and devilishly handsome good looks), unless you think something is broken or not working properly.  You’re probably wrong, of course, as we, the IT Department make exactly zero mistakes, but feel free to come over and tell us your sob story, and we will lovingly show you just how many ways in which you are wrong.  We’re very nice people, and we’re always happy to show you how to live your lives and be better, more productive members of society.

For the more nerdy of us in the audience:  If you are a developer and you have IIS sites bound to static IP addresses on your work laptop, you will need to update those.  I don’t think any of you do, except maybe the Humphrey Room, but lets face it, they need help with a lot more than just their laptops, so let’s just take it one step at a time with them.

For the rest of you, just remember the golden rule:  when in doubt, reboot.  It’s what has gotten me this far in my “professional career” (relative term), so I pass on this sage advice to you as well.

If you need anything else, ask Alex.  He cares a lot more than I do.

If you have any questions, keep them to yourself.  No one likes nosy people.

Buckets of love,

The IT Department

If you haven't watched The IT Crowd... stop everything and watch every episode immediately!!!

If you haven’t watched The IT Crowd… stop everything and watch every episode immediately!!!

 

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments