We’ve got a puppy down… PUPPY DOWN!!!

Orko being the lovable klutz that he is somehow managed to rip a part of his paw pad while going pee in front of the house… he’s talented.

I can tell you this now in a calm, peaceful, joking demeanor… but during the incident I was of a different character.

Bursting through the doorway carrying a confused Orko with all 4 paws straight up in the air.

Me: ORKO’S HURT!!!!!

Hubby: What!? How!? Where!?!

Me: DON’T GET ALL REPORTER ON ME MAN! WHERE’S THE BANDAGES!?!?

Hubby: Well at least let me see!

Me: DON’T TOUCH HIM!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE INJURY IS!!!

Hubby: Then how do you know he’s hurt!?

Me: HE LIMPED!!!

Hubby: He limped… as in singular?

Me: WHAT AM I SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON THAT I’M GOING TO MAKE HIM PROVE THE DEPTH OF HIS INJURY?!?! ONE LIMP IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!

Hubby: Okay wacko, put him down and let me see what we’re dealing with.

And I did, and we found a little piece of skin hanging off his paw. Hubby then suggested we just cut the piece off ourselves and then bandage it up. I agreed, but first asked that he showed me his diploma from graduating vet school, with honors! He then reiterated I was a wacko, which I ignored and went off to call a real vet.

2 hours later Orko was back home with a wrapped paw, some antibiotic pills, and a truly pissed off mommy.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE SAID WE COULD HAVE DONE THAT OURSELVES!? WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!?!?

Hubby: Well per the diploma on her wall, someone who graduated from vet school… with honors.

unhappy puppy

A very cranky Orko on mandatory couch rest.

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The stars were late and my mother was naked… pretty much…

So Because I’m an amazing daughter I purchased a STELLAR birthday gift for my mother… literally.

From my past posts you know that my parents are happily retired on their organic garlic farm in Washington returning to their younger days of hippiness. (it’s a word).

They also have gotten into astrology and tote their telescope during all their outings to see the wonders of the stars.

SO I ordered my mother this!

HorseHead_Nebula

Okay don’t get too impressed, I did not get my mother the HorseHead Nebula.

BUT I did get her a 100% Silk Scarf with the HorseHead Nebula printed on it!

slowfactory_315

I don’t get why they chose this woman to model the scarf, she looks confused, and uncertain of what a scarf is supposed to do…

example #2…

slowfactory_349

WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE!?! SWEETIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! STOP TRYING TO HANG YOURSELF WITH THE HORSEHEAD NEBULA!!!

Anywho I ordered my mother the scarf and paid the hefty fee for next day delivery just to make sure my mother got it before her birthday… but they sent it regular day mail… so it was late…

I wrote an email explaining that I would like a refund for my next day fee seeing how it was sent SNAIL MAIL and that because of this mistake my mother would get her birthday gift AFTER her birthday.

I have to admit the customer support woman replied very quickly and was very apologetic and she followed up with me a couple days after my mother had received her gift just to check to make sure she was enjoying her scarf. Below is our correspondence…

Hello Mona,

I refunded your $25 shipment payment, did you receive the package and the refund?

Again, my sincere apologies for this mistake,

Best,
Celine

Hello Celine,

I got the refund and the package arrived on Monday. My mother LOVES it!! She sent pictures to me of her wearing the scarf as a dress outside their cabin, and she has a huge smile on her face.  I would share and attach the photo, but my parents are hippies… and mom went au natural underneath the scarf… the very sheer scarf…

Thanks again!
Mona

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How a text almost ended my marriage… and other fun facts about moving

So as I mentioned in my last post, which you of course have not forgotten as the written image of CIA Cat exploding from both ends is seared into your brain, right next to that one horrifying time you accidentally saw your parents having sex… *shudder*… Hubby and I are moving.

Now because we’re moving into a larger place so Hubby’s mother can move in with us for “a short time, which no one is actually willing to say how long short is”… stop laughing… he has been doing everything in his power to make the move as easy for me as possible. Which WAS awesome.

Yes, I used the word was, as in past tense, as in THAT IS NO LONGER THE FREAKING CASE!!!

A month before the Big Move, Hubby was packing items and moving filled boxes to a storage facility. A week before the Big Move Hubby was reserving the movers to come while I was at work and ordering a steam vacuum to fix the horrors that our pets had bestowed upon the carpet. Everything was set for the Big Move on Friday. And then on Wednesday I get the text…

Hubby: Babe?

Me: What’s up moving machine!!

Hubby: I am so sorry.

Me: You dropped my grandmothers china didn’t you!?!?!

Hubby: no

Me: oh… too bad, that stuff is kinda ugly.

Hubby: My work just called and they need me in Portland on Friday.

Me:… Friday, as in our our moving day Friday?

Hubby: yes

Me: … okay… when are you coming back? We have to be all moved and cleaned and out by Monday.

Hubby: …

Me:…

Hubby:….

Me: WHEN

Me: ARE

Me: YOU

Me: COMING

Me: BACK

Me:?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hubby: Tuesday

Me:.. I want a divorce.

Hubby: You would still have to move.

Me: fuck.

Now that I'm in charge of the move I've been doing some research... this is good to know!

Now that I’m in charge of the move I’ve been doing some research… this is good to know!

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My weekend, trapped in a car with an exploding cat, a screaming Hubby, and a dog who is disgusted with all of us.

So Hubby and I are leaving our 2 bedroom condo and moving into a 3 bedroom townhouse as, *dramatic pause*, my mother-in-law is moving in with us. Duh Duh DUUUUHHHHH!

It’s okay, I’ve come to grasps with it and am naively looking forward to it…

Anywho, Me, Hubby, Orko, and CIA Cat had to vacate our condo for an hour while it was being toured by potential renters. So we packed up CIA Cat in her carrier, put her in the back seat with Orko, and off we went to drive around the neighborhood until we get the all clear call from the realtor.

Hubby: Do you think they’re going through our drawers?

Me: Why? Why would they do that?

Hubby: I don’t know, some people get snoopy during these tours.

Me: We didn’t open people’s drawers when we were looking at townhomes!

Hubby: Well ya, but we’re normal.

Me:…

Hubby: Mostly normal, I’m just… UUGGGHHHH WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

Hubby and I look into the back seat, Orko had pushed himself into the farthest corner of the back seat and was looking at us with a look that said, “IT WASN’T ME!”.  We all then looked over at CIA Cat’s carrier and see her pinched concentrated face looking back at us.

Me: Oh God, she’s pooping!!

Hubby: Wow, that is lethal!

We quickly rolled down our windows and stuck out our heads, Orko let out a sharp bark and we rolled his window down too.  He then proceeded to push his body so far out the window, that I was concerned he was going to just vault out to get away from CIA Cat’s bomb.  I  leaned across her carrier and held on to Orko’s harness to keep him in the car.

Me: Pull over!  We need to evacuate!!

Hubby: Hold on, I’m heading for an exit!

CIA Cat: HURGH HURGH HURGH

Me: OH MY GOD! SHE’S GONNA THROW UP!!!

Hubby: Do you blame her?  She stuck in a box with that!

CIA Cat: BLARCK!!

Me: OH GOD!! SHE SHOT IT OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN, IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! IT’S ON ME!!! IT’S ON ME!!!!

Hubby: GET BACK TO THE FRONT SEAT!!!

Me: I CAN’T!! ORKO IS TRYING TO BAIL OUT THE WINDOW, I CAN’T LET GO OF HIM!!!

Hubby finally pulled the car over at the next exit and we all fell out of the disaster zone that was our car… leaving CIA Cat.

Me: I feel like this is animal abuse.

Hubby: Are you kidding?! We’ve just been abused!  Besides we still have to clean her off when we get home.

Me: I say we just hose it down.

Hubby: The crate?

Me: The crate with CIA Cat still in it.

Hubby: Okay pretty sure THAT is animal abuse.

We didn’t do that, we let her out before hosing her down, she still gives us the cat finger every time we walk by her.

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I can tell you think you’re insulting me, but I’m only hearing “YOU’RE FRACKING AWESOME!”… “and funny”… “and dog gone it, people like you”.

Found this post on Tumblr that describes what kind of writer you are by your  sign… here’s mine…

Capricorn: They don’t write one-shots. Everything (and yes they do mean *everything*) they write is part of a series or their overarching mega-macro-universe. Expect to see cameos, familiar faces, and recurring themes across all their books!

I thought this was the greatest description ever, so I read it to Hubby, who pointed out it was saying that I can’t come up with any new material and I write about the same things and people over and over…

So then I read Hubby’s sign…

Taurus: They may appear to have a controlled exterior, but all of that changes the instant you ask them about their characters. They write the most lovable & sweet characters, and they also happen to be their own #1 biggest fan— so beware talking smack about their babies.

Me: huh

Hubby: What? What did mine say??

Me: … you smack babies.

Hubby: WHAT?!?

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Apparently thinking about engines during sex only speeds things along… lol… I just got that…

Classic Sunday afternoon with the entire family sprawled out on the couch. Hubby playing x-box, me with my book, and Orko and CIA Cat fighting over the prime spot between the both of us.

family

Me: hhmmmm

Hubby: what?

Me: So in this book this guy is explaining to the girl how he makes the amore time last longer by thinking about either his mother naked… or dead puppies.

Hubby: ya

Me: YA!?!? OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF????

Hubby: What?? NO!! I was just letting you know that I was listening to you!

Me: I mean your mother naked!?!? That should totally ruin the mood, not help extend it, that’s like some serious Freud shit!! AND DEAD PUPPIES!?!? What sick fuck thinks that and still wants to get it on!?!?!?!?

Hubby: AGAIN! I was just “yaing” to let you know I was LISTENING!!!

Me: Well next time just a simple, “Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell”. Would be an appropriate response.

Hubby: Ya know that’s going to be my reply for everything now.

Me: ANYWHO! The reason I told you was because I was thinking why think horrible things? Why not think something that will temporarily take your mind of.. that… why not thinking about installing spark plugs?

Hubby: Wouldn’t work, you’re putting something that looks like a penis into a hole.

Me:… oh… ya… you’re right.  Okay, how about installing a carburetor?

Hubby: No good, lots of fitting slots into holes and moving it up and down to make sure it fits right, up and down, over and over.

Me: … wow… I had no idea how sexual it is to work on an engine… this really explains why so many men spend their weekends in their garages working on their cars…

Hubby: Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell.

Me:…

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Nature is trying to LITERALLY kill me… LITERALLY!!

So last week I found myself on the couch eating an entire bag of bbq potato chips and drinking a bottle of wine, an excellent combination by the way.  I decided that I needed to counter that bombardment of calories by some nice outdoorsy activity. So I snapped a leash on Orko and off into the desert we went.

The desert in spring is actually really beautiful.  Before we moved to Arizona, I had no idea that cactuses actually bloomed!  So with camera in hand Orko and I hit the trail and went deep into the desert to view some wonders and hike off some chips.

Slide1

Behold the floral beauty of the desert.

About 30 minutes into the walk I heard a really weird and really loud noise. It sounded something like CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!!!

I looked at Orko, “What is that? Sounds like a really pissed of bird”. Orko looked back at me with his head tilted as if saying, “I have no idea”, or more like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You think that’s a bird?!? Jesus christ woman think about where we are!!”.

I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk forward and then heard the noise again, CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!! and it seemed closer. Orko has now turned around and is pulling for me to walk the other way. I pulled back on the leash telling him to sit and focus to see where the sound is coming from… and then I see it… I slowly raise my camera… and take the picture…

There's a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

There’s a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

“Okay Orko, it’s time to get the FUCK OUT OF HERE!!”. Orko was way ahead of me and sprinted down the trail dragging my dumb ass behind him.

“I can’t believe I thought it was a fucking bird, it was a fucking rattlesnake!” I screamed at Orko as we flew down the trail.  Orko let out a bark that could have easily translated to “NO FUCK SHERLOCK!!”

Orko and I got back to the car in 5 minutes flat and sped back home where I securely positioned myself back on the couch with a new bag of bbq potato chips and 2 bottles of wine.

Fuck Nature and Fuck Getting Healthy!!

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