My weekend, trapped in a car with an exploding cat, a screaming Hubby, and a dog who is disgusted with all of us.

So Hubby and I are leaving our 2 bedroom condo and moving into a 3 bedroom townhouse as, *dramatic pause*, my mother-in-law is moving in with us. Duh Duh DUUUUHHHHH!

It’s okay, I’ve come to grasps with it and am naively looking forward to it…

Anywho, Me, Hubby, Orko, and CIA Cat had to vacate our condo for an hour while it was being toured by potential renters. So we packed up CIA Cat in her carrier, put her in the back seat with Orko, and off we went to drive around the neighborhood until we get the all clear call from the realtor.

Hubby: Do you think they’re going through our drawers?

Me: Why? Why would they do that?

Hubby: I don’t know, some people get snoopy during these tours.

Me: We didn’t open people’s drawers when we were looking at townhomes!

Hubby: Well ya, but we’re normal.

Me:…

Hubby: Mostly normal, I’m just… UUGGGHHHH WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

Hubby and I look into the back seat, Orko had pushed himself into the farthest corner of the back seat and was looking at us with a look that said, “IT WASN’T ME!”.  We all then looked over at CIA Cat’s carrier and see her pinched concentrated face looking back at us.

Me: Oh God, she’s pooping!!

Hubby: Wow, that is lethal!

We quickly rolled down our windows and stuck out our heads, Orko let out a sharp bark and we rolled his window down too.  He then proceeded to push his body so far out the window, that I was concerned he was going to just vault out to get away from CIA Cat’s bomb.  I  leaned across her carrier and held on to Orko’s harness to keep him in the car.

Me: Pull over!  We need to evacuate!!

Hubby: Hold on, I’m heading for an exit!

CIA Cat: HURGH HURGH HURGH

Me: OH MY GOD! SHE’S GONNA THROW UP!!!

Hubby: Do you blame her?  She stuck in a box with that!

CIA Cat: BLARCK!!

Me: OH GOD!! SHE SHOT IT OUT LIKE A FOUNTAIN, IT’S EVERYWHERE!!! IT’S ON ME!!! IT’S ON ME!!!!

Hubby: GET BACK TO THE FRONT SEAT!!!

Me: I CAN’T!! ORKO IS TRYING TO BAIL OUT THE WINDOW, I CAN’T LET GO OF HIM!!!

Hubby finally pulled the car over at the next exit and we all fell out of the disaster zone that was our car… leaving CIA Cat.

Me: I feel like this is animal abuse.

Hubby: Are you kidding?! We’ve just been abused!  Besides we still have to clean her off when we get home.

Me: I say we just hose it down.

Hubby: The crate?

Me: The crate with CIA Cat still in it.

Hubby: Okay pretty sure THAT is animal abuse.

We didn’t do that, we let her out before hosing her down, she still gives us the cat finger every time we walk by her.

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I can tell you think you’re insulting me, but I’m only hearing “YOU’RE FRACKING AWESOME!”… “and funny”… “and dog gone it, people like you”.

Found this post on Tumblr that describes what kind of writer you are by your  sign… here’s mine…

Capricorn: They don’t write one-shots. Everything (and yes they do mean *everything*) they write is part of a series or their overarching mega-macro-universe. Expect to see cameos, familiar faces, and recurring themes across all their books!

I thought this was the greatest description ever, so I read it to Hubby, who pointed out it was saying that I can’t come up with any new material and I write about the same things and people over and over…

So then I read Hubby’s sign…

Taurus: They may appear to have a controlled exterior, but all of that changes the instant you ask them about their characters. They write the most lovable & sweet characters, and they also happen to be their own #1 biggest fan— so beware talking smack about their babies.

Me: huh

Hubby: What? What did mine say??

Me: … you smack babies.

Hubby: WHAT?!?

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Apparently thinking about engines during sex only speeds things along… lol… I just got that…

Classic Sunday afternoon with the entire family sprawled out on the couch. Hubby playing x-box, me with my book, and Orko and CIA Cat fighting over the prime spot between the both of us.

family

Me: hhmmmm

Hubby: what?

Me: So in this book this guy is explaining to the girl how he makes the amore time last longer by thinking about either his mother naked… or dead puppies.

Hubby: ya

Me: YA!?!? OH MY GOD!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF????

Hubby: What?? NO!! I was just letting you know that I was listening to you!

Me: I mean your mother naked!?!? That should totally ruin the mood, not help extend it, that’s like some serious Freud shit!! AND DEAD PUPPIES!?!? What sick fuck thinks that and still wants to get it on!?!?!?!?

Hubby: AGAIN! I was just “yaing” to let you know I was LISTENING!!!

Me: Well next time just a simple, “Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell”. Would be an appropriate response.

Hubby: Ya know that’s going to be my reply for everything now.

Me: ANYWHO! The reason I told you was because I was thinking why think horrible things? Why not think something that will temporarily take your mind of.. that… why not thinking about installing spark plugs?

Hubby: Wouldn’t work, you’re putting something that looks like a penis into a hole.

Me:… oh… ya… you’re right.  Okay, how about installing a carburetor?

Hubby: No good, lots of fitting slots into holes and moving it up and down to make sure it fits right, up and down, over and over.

Me: … wow… I had no idea how sexual it is to work on an engine… this really explains why so many men spend their weekends in their garages working on their cars…

Hubby: Yes, I hear you sweetheart, that’s fucked up as hell.

Me:…

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Nature is trying to LITERALLY kill me… LITERALLY!!

So last week I found myself on the couch eating an entire bag of bbq potato chips and drinking a bottle of wine, an excellent combination by the way.  I decided that I needed to counter that bombardment of calories by some nice outdoorsy activity. So I snapped a leash on Orko and off into the desert we went.

The desert in spring is actually really beautiful.  Before we moved to Arizona, I had no idea that cactuses actually bloomed!  So with camera in hand Orko and I hit the trail and went deep into the desert to view some wonders and hike off some chips.

Slide1

Behold the floral beauty of the desert.

About 30 minutes into the walk I heard a really weird and really loud noise. It sounded something like CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!!!

I looked at Orko, “What is that? Sounds like a really pissed of bird”. Orko looked back at me with his head tilted as if saying, “I have no idea”, or more like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You think that’s a bird?!? Jesus christ woman think about where we are!!”.

I shrugged my shoulders and started to walk forward and then heard the noise again, CHEE CHEE CHEE CHEE!! and it seemed closer. Orko has now turned around and is pulling for me to walk the other way. I pulled back on the leash telling him to sit and focus to see where the sound is coming from… and then I see it… I slowly raise my camera… and take the picture…

There's a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

There’s a Mother Fucking Snake on the Mother Fucking Trail!!!!

“Okay Orko, it’s time to get the FUCK OUT OF HERE!!”. Orko was way ahead of me and sprinted down the trail dragging my dumb ass behind him.

“I can’t believe I thought it was a fucking bird, it was a fucking rattlesnake!” I screamed at Orko as we flew down the trail.  Orko let out a bark that could have easily translated to “NO FUCK SHERLOCK!!”

Orko and I got back to the car in 5 minutes flat and sped back home where I securely positioned myself back on the couch with a new bag of bbq potato chips and 2 bottles of wine.

Fuck Nature and Fuck Getting Healthy!!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Well… we can now add kitchen tables to things that SPONTANEOUSLY catch fire in my presence… with very little help from me…

So… I would just like to repeat what I said after the bathroom fire of 2002 AND the oven-mitts fire of 2014… IT WAS NOT MY FRACKING FAULT!!!!

Seriously this time, I really mean it!!

The candle was defective!!!!

And instead of burning out when it came to the end of the wick, LIKE A NORMAL CANDLE!!  It kept burning like some demonic possessed candle causing the bottom of the damn candle jar to get SO hot it cracked.

AND THEN, continuing with its devil blessed flame, it slid out of the cracked jar and settled on top of my new kitchen table.. my new wood topped kitchen table… and kept BURNING ITS SATAN KISSED FLAME!!

Luckily I heard the bottle crack from the bedroom and thinking CIA Cat was attempting to break her last record of 3 glasses being nocked off the kitchen counter, I went into the kitchen to investigate and saw the inferno blaze! … okay maybe wasn’t that big but still…

So I quickly blessed a glass of tap water and tossed it on the devil fire extinguishing it’s evilness… but not before it left a circle of scorched kitchen table :(

fire

Me: Fracking, Frackity, Frackup, FRACK!

And like the man is tied to some cosmic alarm that lets him know when I’ve caught something, or someone on fire, Hubby, who was away at a business thing 2 states away, texted me.

Hubby: What’s up

Me: Why does something have to be up!?!?!

Hubby: … what did you do?

Me: WHY DID I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!?!?

Hubby:… What’s on fire?

Me: IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!!

and here’s the text conversation that followed, and may I say ended in a BRILLIANT TWSS moment…. and yes Hubby also goes by Tony…

photo (38)

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I’M A FRACKING MESS… ARE YOU HAPPY BUDWEISER!!!!

It’s almost Super Bowl time! What does that mean for  me?

It means I’m locked in the bathroom crying over my phone… EVERY FUCKING YEAR BUDWEISER!!!!

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

It’s 2015 and all I got was this little gecko

So funny story, actually more awkward then funny, the awkwardest part being that I’m not the biggest weirdo in this story.

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but it’s freaking cold outside.  This is normal for some of you, but for us Arizonans it’s THE END OF THE WORLD… or something like that.

Well apparently I’m not the only one having a hard time with this new coldness, as I found out a couple days ago, when I walked to the bathroom and saw a gecko sitting on the toilet seat.

Me: BABE, there’s a gecko on the toilet! What do I do?

Hubby: Well stop staring, and give him some privacy, weirdo!

Me: HE’S NOT POOPING! HE’S JUST SITTING!

Hubby: WHY ARE YOU YELLING!?!

Me: …I DON’T KNOW… it’s Monday… and I just woke up… and I really have to pee.. AND THERE’S A FREAKING GECKO ON THE TOILET!!!!

Hubby finally made an appearance, scooping the gecko up, without hazard gloves or anything, and leaving the room.

Me:… Dude… You just picked him up with your bare hands!!! That was kinda hot.

Hubby (from the kitchen): Weirdo!

So I thought that was the end of it, until I got home that night, and saw a box on the kitchen table.  Being a normal person I lifted the lid off the box and was instantly attacked by a million little crickets hopping for freedom.

Me: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH I’M GONNA DIE, I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE BY CRICKETS, I JUST KNEW IT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Hubby: BABE! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?

Me: GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!GETEMOFF!

Hubby: Those were for George!

Me (stopping my frenzied hopping around the living room):… who and what now?

Hubby: George, the gecko.  It was too cold to let him out, so I got a box for him and he’s living in the closet until it gets warmer out.

Me:… you named him George?

Hubby: What, I thought it was a good name.

Me: It is… it’s just so something I would do!

Hubby: Great, now I’m the weirdo.

Me: You kinda are, now excuse me I have to go take a shower and burn these clothes.

Hubby: Help me get the crickets back in the box first!

Me (I looked back to the dining room): Too late…. Orko ate them.

Hubby: BAD DOG!

Hello 2015, looks like you’re going to be as interesting as 2014 was.

Per Google Image Search  this is very common.

Per Google Image Search this is very common.

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