Snapchat is saving/ruining my marriage

Posted on September 27, 2016 by

I love Snapchat… I don’t actually post anything because why waste my comedic genius when it will just disappear!?!  (funny side note spell check showed me I misspelled comedic, genius, and disappear… so not that “genius” after all.)

What I do use Snapchat for is to send my Hubby hilarious pics that I’m certain are the highlight of his day!

I was trying to be really puny with this one, because I thought the animal was a deer.. turns out it was a fox.. awkward.

me4

I did better with the old man, at least it got a reply.

me2

The merging of his face on my head really got a reaction… and yes, Hubby actually says “oh my word”.

me3

But then I think I took it too far, either that or he didn’t have his phone with him…

me

… he never did answer…

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My dog is the next Messiah!!!!!

Posted on September 20, 2016 by

And it’s not like that last time when I thought he was the next messiah because his balls grew back 3 days after he was fixed and then disappeared again, no this is legit messiah action that I have photo proof of…

TA DA!!!

angel

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Orko and I literally ran into a pack of predators this morning… LITERALLY!!

Posted on September 12, 2016 by

As I’ve mentioned before , Orko and I have been getting our run on each morning and it’s been going pretty well… UNTIL THIS MORNING!!!

So we run in a very nice, plain, little, neighborhood… NOT A GUERRILLA RAN TERRITORY IN CENTRAL AMERICA!!!

Orko and I were about a mile into our run when we come up to this huge bush on the corner that someone had done a valiant attempt to prune into a nice neat square, but failed and gave up when said bush grew past 10 feet. And that’s when I hear it…

PREDATOR!!!

It was the same clicky, gargurly, growly thing that the alien did in the jungle to completely scare the bajeesus out of Arnold Schwarzenegger… AND RIGHTFULY SO!!

I pretty much was air born the minute I heard it, Orko was a little more brave/dumb and sniffed the bush where the noise was coming from and that’s when it happened…

A PACK OF FREAKING RACCOONS EXPLODED FROM THE BUSH AND RAN ALL AROUND US!!!

I don’t recall in the pandemonium who decided it was time to get the fuck out of Dodge but Orko and I took off so fast that if I had looked back I am pretty sure I would have seen little cloud outlines of our bodies.

After a couple blocks Okro thought we had gotten far enough away from the death brigade to stop and pee… I didn’t feel it necessary to tell him that I had already taken care of that myself 4 blocks back…

There is a very good chance that the raccoons did the roar thing as Orko and I ran away… and an even better chance they laughed too… Raccoons and Predators… what a bunch of assholes.

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Nothing like going into the “wild” of the great outdoors to cause Hubby to go back to his primitive state… and he took the dog with him.

Posted on September 9, 2016 by

Adding on to the stories from our trip to the family organic garlic farm in Eastern Washington, it is now time for the OH FOR GODS SAKE! story.

Now the family farm is located out in the “wilderness” of Washington in the middle of 10 acres.  So there is lots of privacy… which hubby took extreme advantage of.

At 7am I heard the click of the door as Hubby and Orko came back into our room.

Me: (mumbling into my pillow) Did you take him out to pee?

Hubby: Ya we went pee.

Me: Good boy… wait… did you say WE went pee?

Hubby: Yep

Me: (looking up at an extremely too pleased with himself Hubby) BABE!

Hubby: What?

Me: Just because we’re in the woods, doesn’t mean you can just pee anywhere you want!

Hubby: Oh I’m pretty sure it does mean that, and it was a nice bonding experience for Orko and I.

Me: What did Orko do when you started peeing?

Hubby: Well he seemed confused at first…

Me: Ya! Because I raised him to be a gentleman!!

Hubby: Keep thinking that, once he understood what was happening he got really excited and joined in, but he kinda kept eye contact the whole time which made it a little weird.

Me: Sure, that’s what made you and your dog peeing together weird… the eye contact.

Hubby: Well ya, there’s rules about that kind of thing when men pee next to each other.

Me: Ugh, boys.

Hubby: I believe you mean men.

Me: .. nope.

 

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The blog when you try to tell the new ‘I Almost Died’ story and then end up fighting with yourself in cap locks… blog

Posted on September 7, 2016 by

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Labor Day.

A lovely long holiday weekend that sends you off to Eastern Washington to hang out on the old family’s organic garlic farm… a chance to really commune with nature… maybe do a little bbqing… spend a little time in the garden to feel dirt in your hands again… teach your city dog the joy of a walk with no collar or leash and the wonders of pooping in the wild…  then there’s the annual horse shoe competition that ends with allegations of cheating and only one possible broken ankle… and then this happy holiday weekend finally ends by driving your car off a cliff in an attempt to get past 15 minutes of traffic…

Me: There is no way the GPS told us to take this exit.

Hubby: Sure it did… but what makes you think that?

Me: Well for one, no one else is taking this exit, which is weird as you would assume more people would want to get past the traffic, and second the road started paved but has turned into a dirt road, AND THIRD the name sign for the road I just turned on ended with the word TRAIL!

Hubby: Babe, I think you’re overreacting.

Me: REALLY!?! Cause I’m beginning to think the GPS didn’t suggest this route and the person who’s in charge of the GPS is instead choosing this route with NO AID FROM THE GPS!

Hubby: That’s not true… I found this road on the GPS as a possible alternate route but it wasn’t letting me select it so…

Me: BECAUSE IT’S NOT A ROAD!!  IT’S A TRAIL!!!

Hubby: Calm Down! You’re doing great and per the GPS map we just have a little hill to get over and we’ll run back into the Interstate.

Me: How “little” of a hill?

Hubby:… little…

LIES

IT WAS HUGE

AND SWITCHBACKY

AND HAD A SHEER DROP OFF ON ONE SIDE

AND THE FACT THAT WE DIDN’T PLUMMET OF THE SIDE WAS SHEER LUCK

AND SUPBURB DRIVING ON YOUR PART

OH WELL THANK YOU!

YOU’RE WELCOME!!

REALLY YOU DID SOME EXCELLENT DRIVING, I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT!

THANK YOU, NERVES AND THE THOUGHT OF KILLING HUBBY WHEN WE MADE IT OUT WERE THE ONLY THINGS KEEPING ME GOING!

WELL GOOD JOB YOU, NOW GO GET A DRINK TO CELEBRATE!

THANKS BUT WE’VE ALREADY BEEN DRINKING SINCE 11AM!

… oh… really?… well…um… wow… okay then.

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Hubby thinks I have a problem… I think I’m living the dream… You decide…

Posted on August 31, 2016 by

Hubby: … Really babe?

Me: What!?!?

Hubby: You’re drinking wine in the morning, in bed, and from the bottle!

Me: Okay well it’s actually 11am, so some might argue that it’s the afternoon, and it’s Saturday which is the kind of day that automatically gives people the okay to do what ever the hell they want, and you and CIA Cat were hogging the couch so Orko and I opted for the super super compfy bed instead, AND I didn’t want to dirty a cup seeing how you just started the dishwasher… so… you know… you’re welcome.

Hubby: And that’s how your mind rationalizes it being okay to drink in the morning, in bed, from the bottle.

Me: What do you mean rationalize? I’ve given excellent facts!! People would look at this and totally stand by my excellent factual explanation!!

Hubby: What people?

Me: Instagram and Facebook people!!! *click*

Hubby: Oh My God! You are not going to post a picture of you drinking a bottle in bed?

Me: Aren’t I!?!??!

… and I did… and the people totally had my back

drinking

Side Bar: I would only be on Instagram if I could, as Facebook kind of bugs the hell out of me, but my mother is on Facebook and she hates missing out on things that I’m doing… so I’m on Facebook too… so my mother can see me drinking in bed… you’re welcome mom!

 

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Running… when nothing is chasing you and/or trying to kill and/or eat you… weird.

Posted on August 30, 2016 by

So let’s just be clear here, I don’t like running.

If When the Zombie Apocalypse hits, I have always taken it to be a fact that I will be in the first wave to be eaten, as… I. Don’t. Like. Running.  And wont do it, even if it could save me from a gruesome, chompy death.

Yet for the last 3 weeks I have gotten out of bed to run, at the UNGODLY morning hour when even the sun is like “Dude, what the fuck are you doing up? Hit the snooze bro.”…  Not quite sure why I believe the sun would use the word ‘bro’, but let’s just go with it.

This all started because of puppy dog eye guilt.  If you have a dog you know what I’m talking about.  It’s when you get up, take the dog out for a quick pee and poo, get dressed, and leave for work.  Just as you’re closing the front door behind you, you catch the shocked look in your dogs eye as he stands in the hallway that says, “WHAT THE HELL!?!? THAT’S IT!?!?!? FIVE MINUTES OUTSIDE IS ALL I GET!?!? YOU’RE GOING TO BE GONE FOR LIKE A HUNDRED HOURS!!!! YOU ARE THE FUCKIEST OF FUCK HEADS!!!! I WILL BE MAKING AMENDS FOR THIS ON YOUR SHOES… AND NOT THOSE FUCKING UGLY FLIP FLOP THINGS BY THE DOOR, NO I’M GOING FOR THE HEEL BOXES YOU HAVE STORED IN THE BACK OF THE CLOSET!! THE HIGH END SHIT, THE ONES YOU STILL HAVEN’T TOLD DAD ABOUT BECAUSE THEY COST LIKE THE SAME AS A MILLION CHEW TOYS!! SO YA, GO AHEAD AND ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK, ASSWIPE!!!!”

Okay my dog would never say these things to me because he loves and worships me, and he is too pure and wonderful to even know those bad words, and he would never dream of hurting my shoes. However my mind is much more of an asshole and has absolutely no problem putting those thoughts in my head… so… running.

Each morning, rain or shine, Orko and I are up and out the door.  Running to the park a mile from the house, playing ball until his tongue is dragging on the grounds and exhaustion has him tipping over when he tries to lift his leg to pee, and then we run the mile back to the house.

The good news is that Orko is crazy tired by the time we get back and is usually comatose on the bed when I leave for work, plus I think I’m losing weight… which I can only assume has something to do with running 2 miles every day… weird.

AND now if when the Zombie Apocalypse hits, I think I might survive the first wave… I mean I’m definitely toast by the second wave, but still.. not bad.
running sucks

 

 

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