This Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE… and make you a little drunk… okay a lot drunk.

Okay I take my turkey cooking pretty damn serious.  My first turkey I ever cooked for Hubby took 12 hours to cook and ended up with the inside still frozen and the outside as dry as hell.  We ended up just chucking the whole thing in the garbage and ordering Chinese… NEVER AGAIN!

To vindicate that day… I have perfected… the Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe.

Which I recently sent to my mother as I will be cooking Thanksgiving dinner at her house this year and I needed to prepare her for what was going to be going down in her kitchen.

Also, I may have just copied and pasted that email into this blog… I know, lazy as shit.

Also also, I apologize for the run on sentences, but she’s my mother and she doesn’t judge… my grammar… that much…

Okay mom this is how it’s going down!

We take a whole log of room temperature butter and mix it with a pile of chopped herbs. What are the herbs? I have no idea, they sell a box in the produce section at Safeway called Turkey herbs and that’s what I get, it’s probably sage, rosemary, thyme and other green things. 

Then we CAREFULLY separate the skin from the turkey, WITHOUT TEARING THE SKIN, if we tear the skin we must go buy another turkey IMMEDIATLY!!

If we don’t… well then congratulations… we’ve destroyed Thanksgiving. 

Okay, then we CAREFULLY push in the herb butter so it’s a nice layering between the skin and the meat all around the turkey.  THEN with the extra butter and herbs, by the way we’re going to have some extra butter and herbs, we give the turkey his final massage on this earth, and then salt and pepper the shit out of him.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

We then take 2 oranges… 3 if we got the big boy turkey, and stab them all over making little cuts and then shove little clove things in the cuts until we have a perfectly covered orange clove grenade, which we then chuck into the cavity of the turkey and tie his legs shut with string to help contain the explosion of citrus clovey goodness that will occur during cooking. 

If we don’t have string we can improvise by twisting his leg nubs and shoving them through his neck to keep them in place… like badasses.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

We then chop up big cubes of celery, carrots, onions, garlic, and potatoes for the turkey to sit on and dump a whole bottle of white wine in with them to keep everyone happy… we will also be happy as we should be on our 2nd glass of wine by the time we reach this part of the turkey process. 

We then tent the top of the turkey loosely with aluminum foil for the first 3 or so hours, taking it off to cook uncovered for the final hour to get the lovely brown top. 

Side story: I once started the turkey breast down and then half way through flipped it, I read it was supposed to keep it even moister… but I may or may not have dropped it in the flipping process, causing me to panic and set my oven mitts on fire.. again… so I don’t do that anymore… anyways back to the instructions.

During the hours and hours of cooking time we are basting that turkey every 30 minutes with the butter wine liquid of joy and sunshine that is gathering at the bottom of the pan. We also continue to baste ourselves with glasses of wine until the turkey is cooled and ready to be cut and served… this should probably be done by dad or Hubby as you and I should not be handling sharp objects by this time… as we will most certainly be blitzed.

And that… is how you cook… The Perfect Turkey… your daughter… Mona.

So there you are! The perfect Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe, you’re welcome!

Now go eat turkey until you explode and/or slip into a coma!… like the pilgrims intended it.

143302-no-more-wine-mom

WHAT A HORRIBLE CHILD!!!!! Why would she say that to her mother!?!?!

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oh Snapchat you beautiful bastard

So as I’ve mentioned in past blogs I LOVE sending Hubby hilarious Snapchat pics that I am sure help to improve his day and life as a whole.

Well a couple weeks ago I discovered Snapchat videos… you’re welcome.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hubby and my communication is totally on point! HOLY SHIT!!

So I had my first commute to work in a Washington wind storm…

My commute that takes me across the 520 bridge…

Which crosses a huge lake…

And I was in my little soft top convertible…

This is the phone conversation I had with Hubby after the crossing.

Hubby: Hey babe, how was the drive in?

Me: Holy Shit!

Hubby: Oh crap, that bad? Was the wind strong?

Me: Holy Shit!

Hubby: I said you should have taken the SUV! Were you blown all over the bridge?

Me: Holy Shit!

Hubby: Oh man I bet, how was the top? Was it okay or vibrating by the wind?

Me: HOLY SHIT!

Hubby: Yikes, well good thing it didn’t get yanked off.  How about the spray from the waves?

Me: HOLY SHIT!!!

Hubby: Poor thing, okay I gotta get to work but babe, give me another phrase so I know you’re okay.

Me:… Fuck.

Hubby: Alright there ya go, love you.

 

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Snapchat is saving/ruining my marriage

I love Snapchat… I don’t actually post anything because why waste my comedic genius when it will just disappear!?!  (funny side note spell check showed me I misspelled comedic, genius, and disappear… so not that “genius” after all.)

What I do use Snapchat for is to send my Hubby hilarious pics that I’m certain are the highlight of his day!

I was trying to be really puny with this one, because I thought the animal was a deer.. turns out it was a fox.. awkward.

me4

I did better with the old man, at least it got a reply.

me2

The merging of his face on my head really got a reaction… and yes, Hubby actually says “oh my word”.

me3

But then I think I took it too far, either that or he didn’t have his phone with him…

me

… he never did answer…

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My dog is the next Messiah!!!!!

And it’s not like that last time when I thought he was the next messiah because his balls grew back 3 days after he was fixed and then disappeared again, no this is legit messiah action that I have photo proof of…

TA DA!!!

angel

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Orko and I literally ran into a pack of predators this morning… LITERALLY!!

As I’ve mentioned before , Orko and I have been getting our run on each morning and it’s been going pretty well… UNTIL THIS MORNING!!!

So we run in a very nice, plain, little, neighborhood… NOT A GUERRILLA RAN TERRITORY IN CENTRAL AMERICA!!!

Orko and I were about a mile into our run when we come up to this huge bush on the corner that someone had done a valiant attempt to prune into a nice neat square, but failed and gave up when said bush grew past 10 feet. And that’s when I hear it…

PREDATOR!!!

It was the same clicky, gargurly, growly thing that the alien did in the jungle to completely scare the bajeesus out of Arnold Schwarzenegger… AND RIGHTFULY SO!!

I pretty much was air born the minute I heard it, Orko was a little more brave/dumb and sniffed the bush where the noise was coming from and that’s when it happened…

A PACK OF FREAKING RACCOONS EXPLODED FROM THE BUSH AND RAN ALL AROUND US!!!

I don’t recall in the pandemonium who decided it was time to get the fuck out of Dodge but Orko and I took off so fast that if I had looked back I am pretty sure I would have seen little cloud outlines of our bodies.

After a couple blocks Okro thought we had gotten far enough away from the death brigade to stop and pee… I didn’t feel it necessary to tell him that I had already taken care of that myself 4 blocks back…

There is a very good chance that the raccoons did the roar thing as Orko and I ran away… and an even better chance they laughed too… Raccoons and Predators… what a bunch of assholes.

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Nothing like going into the “wild” of the great outdoors to cause Hubby to go back to his primitive state… and he took the dog with him.

Adding on to the stories from our trip to the family organic garlic farm in Eastern Washington, it is now time for the OH FOR GODS SAKE! story.

Now the family farm is located out in the “wilderness” of Washington in the middle of 10 acres.  So there is lots of privacy… which hubby took extreme advantage of.

At 7am I heard the click of the door as Hubby and Orko came back into our room.

Me: (mumbling into my pillow) Did you take him out to pee?

Hubby: Ya we went pee.

Me: Good boy… wait… did you say WE went pee?

Hubby: Yep

Me: (looking up at an extremely too pleased with himself Hubby) BABE!

Hubby: What?

Me: Just because we’re in the woods, doesn’t mean you can just pee anywhere you want!

Hubby: Oh I’m pretty sure it does mean that, and it was a nice bonding experience for Orko and I.

Me: What did Orko do when you started peeing?

Hubby: Well he seemed confused at first…

Me: Ya! Because I raised him to be a gentleman!!

Hubby: Keep thinking that, once he understood what was happening he got really excited and joined in, but he kinda kept eye contact the whole time which made it a little weird.

Me: Sure, that’s what made you and your dog peeing together weird… the eye contact.

Hubby: Well ya, there’s rules about that kind of thing when men pee next to each other.

Me: Ugh, boys.

Hubby: I believe you mean men.

Me: .. nope.

 

Posted in Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment