I went from telling you how to lose friends and alienate people this October, to creating a new inappropriate for work word… WINNING!

I have a secret.

A secret that could end friendships, alienate me from family members, and basically make me a social outcast to normal society.

I DON’T LIKE PUMPKIN SPICE!!

*pause for horrified gasps from the reader*

pumpkin

I know, I know, I can’t explain it, but pumpkin and I have never gotten along.  Spices, I have no problem with; cinnamon, nutmeg, Ginger… hold on… sorry getting spices mixed up with Spice Girls, but you get the idea.

I mean it’s a gourd people…. A GOURD!! And if the word gourd was to have a taste that matched the grossness, and slightly eroticness, of its name then pumpkin is nailing it.

Hold on… I may have just created a new word… spellcheck is not accepting eroticness and instead is asking if I mean rotisserie, come on spellcheck they’re not even close, get your shit together man!

I’d use Google to see if it’s an actual word… but I’m at work… and I really don’t want those Google search results to be seen by that IT guy.  You know the guy I’m talking about, the one whose whole job is to sit in a dark office, probably somewhere down by the boiler room, and track inappropriate work computer searches day in and day out.  So let’s just say it’s a new word created by me… YAY!

Google

 

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I ate my feelings and now I make my yoga pants cry.

“Why are you naked?”

That’s a good question, to be asked in elevators, restaurants, planes, and churches. NOT to be asked by your hubby when you’re standing in your own bedroom.

“Excuse me?”

Another good question, to be asked when you didn’t hear what someone said, or you’re trying to get through a crowd, or when you’ve just seen Chris Pine and have followed him into the men’s bathroom to ask for his autograph and also if you can bear his children.  NOT good when asked by a wife to a hubby who has now realized he’s royally screwed the hooch.

“… what I mean… goddess who I love… ageless wonder of beauty and light… is that you should have left for work 30 minutes ago, but instead your just standing in front of a full closet… naked.”

Okay that goddess and ageless wonder thing was good, so I’m going to give him a reprieve, just this once.

“Nothing fits, and I mean nothing, not my super elastic skinny jeans or my always baggy fat pants. In a last ditch effort I grabbed my yoga pants, and I swear I heard them cry out; “Namaste away from that ass”.”

After laughing at my own hilarious joke for a good two minutes, I sat my naked, yoga pant nightmare, ass down and considered how I’d come to this point.  Well I know how, it started one week after my mom died.

I had just gotten some artwork that I wanted to put up on a completely blank wall in my apartment.  Having no artistic vision whatsoever, I grabbed my phone and called mom.  It actually took 2 rings before I realized what I had done. My mom wasn’t going to pick up that call, she was never going to pick up a call, I was never going to talk to her again.  I “handled” this realization with a cake… not some cake… A cake. And it kind of went down the pastry hill from there.

But now it HAS to come to an end. It’s time to actually handle the grief and, per my therapist, writing is my answer.  So here we go, time to come home to my blog, to return to the silly and fun and ridiculous.

When I get sad and want donuts, I’ll instead write about my honeymoon in Ireland and our encounter with the sheep from hell…

When I get depressed and want cookies, I’ll write about the time I accidentally drove my dad’s truck off a cliff, then back home, and he never found out…

When I get to the point where I can’t take another breath, because the pain of not having my mom in my life is so unbearable. I’ll reach for my laptop and write about the first time she and I went to Paris, and we accidentally flashed our hoo haws to a crowd of unsuspecting tourists at the Louvre…

… but that’s for another blog.

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The Squeeze

Hello Strangers,

So I’ve been blog awol for a while. I have to admit it’s pretty hard to come back to this place of fun, silliness, and random fires that, let’s be honest, is my life.

February 14th my mom died.

My mother was an amazing force in my life, she was my cheerleader, coach, backer, counselor, confident, and drinking buddy.  Not having her in my life is crippling.

The only nice thing I can say about all this is… we had time.

We found out about mom’s “probably benign” tumor in February of 2017. We then had months of chemo, a blessed month of “it’s probably gone”, the return, and then the final 3 months of accepting the end was coming.

I can’t even begin to list all the things I will miss from not having my mom in my life.  If any of you have lost a parent you know, for those of you that haven’t, get up, leave your computer behind, and go hug them so hard and for so long.

My mom didn’t hug, she squeezed.  She would come right up to me, nose to nose, take each of my arms with her hands and… just squeeze. It’s like she was sending me all her love and strength and confidence through her hands and into my body.  I loved that squeeze.

The day I said my final goodbye to my mom, we both knew, this was it, we weren’t going to see each other after that day.  My mom got up and took both my arms in her hands.  I was keeping a good, fake, front. Big smiles, false optimism, telling her I loved her and I’d call her when I got back home.  It was then that my mom did the squeeze. The woman in front of me was a mere shadow of the woman she had once been, but that squeeze, that was an original.  It felt like she had gathered all her remaining strength and was sending me her final surge of love and strength and confidence.

It broke me.

I got to my car, drove 2 miles, pulled over, and cried huge, suffocating, gut wrenching, sobs. I had known at that moment that she had given me everything, all of her, to carry forward and keep me strong through what was going to come.

It’s been 3 months and I miss her more each day.  There are some days I don’t even want to get out of bed, or shower, or even talk. But on those days I take each of my arms in my hands and I squeeze, and I remember who’s daughter I am… and I go on.

Mom

To my mom, the woman who taught me all the important things in life.

 

 

 

 

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2018 and people can’t stop giving me money… it sucks.

So I don’t know about the rest of you, but the first day back after the holiday season is tough, especially when you’re someone like me who took 2 weeks off.

Just the fact that I was able to roll myself out of bed, pull on a pair of sweats and sweatshirt from the floor, that had been my main outfit during the long holiday, shove my ‘probably should have washed in the last week’ hair under a baseball cap, and get to work only 2 hours late should be applauded… however my office mate Ciera took one look at me when I walked in, grabbed her purse, and gave me all her spare change…

So today when getting dressed for work I decided that I needed to rectify yesterday’s insult and bring my A game.  And boy did I ever, freshly washed piled high hair, tight slacks, a sexy blouse, and BAM heels… now Ciera’s throwing singles at me…

I’m going home.

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It’s never too early for Jesus, and apparently a hearing aid…

My office mate, Ciera, walked into our office with a concerned look on her face. She turned to me and asked… “Is it too early for Jesus?”.

Now I’m not an overly religious person, in fact I just had to google the correct spelling of religious. So I decided to take a moment to come up with an answer, I realize now I should have taken a longer moment.

“HECK NO! I think there are way too many rules when it comes to Jesus, mostly brought on by his male dominated fan club. I mean the dude just wanted everyone to be good to each other, help to make the world a better place, and don’t be a douche.  So just focus on that, it doesn’t have to be in a designated place once a day every week, he’s not taking attendance. Just do you, or the best version of you possible, how ever, where ever, and when ever!”

I paused to take a breath, and was feeling pretty good with my answer, when Ciera tilted her head with an amused smile and said, “Mona, I asked if it’s too early for Cheez-its”.

“…oh, geez Ciera it’s 8:00am, of course it’s too early for Cheez-its, you weirdo.”

 

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How helping a friend decide on her family’s first Halloween themed costumes nearly ended an 8 year friendship.

Tracy: I need help coming up with ideas for our Halloween costumes! You’re creative, have any ideas!?!

Me: Wow, the pressure… OH this!!

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Tracy:… okay don’t judge… but I’ve never seen this movie…

Me: …let me reply with this…

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Tracy: I’ve been busy!

Me: It’s been out for 16 years!!

Tracy: Like I said, BUSY!!

Me: Hold on, I’m trying to take selfie of eye roll, but it’s not coming out right.

Tracy: oh shut up! Any another ideas? Don’t forget about Nigel! They are inseparable.

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Me: Shut. Up. That is CRAZY cute… OMG she needs to be a cowgirl and you can put a saddle on Nigel!! AND you and Dan can be cows!!!

Tracy: Oh My God YYYEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Me: HOLY SHIT look what Google image just gifted me!

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Tracy: I’m. Dying.  This is brilliant… are we good?

Me: Ya but now I’m scared to even ask about other movies… you’ve seen all the Harry Potters right?

Tracy: … um…

Me: … Star Wars…

Tracy: … well…

Me: … LORD OF THE RINGS!?!…

Tracy: … busy?…

Me: aaaannnnddddd you’re dead to me.

 

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“And Then I Died a Little Inside”… not really but that’s a pretty gripping post title, right up there with “She Thought it Was Going to be Just Another Gyno Appointment Until…”

I just had the worlds greatest conversation and finished it off with the most spot on joke that was so freaking funny, I peed a little.

I then turned to see what status of hilarity my office mate was in after the awesomeness that was my story telling, and saw this…

IMG_0465

Fucking noise canceling fucking headphones.

He actually had to fill out an extensive hardware purchase order request with our IT department to have these ordered for him. In the section listed “How will these crazy expensive headphones help you to complete your work?”, he wrote “I share an office with Mona.”.

His request was approved 10 minutes later.

Hurtful.

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