It’s all fun and games until your flight loses cabin pressure and the freaking oxygen masks don’t deploy!!!

So as I mentioned in my last blog, I visited the fam a couple weeks ago and almost got taken down at the security check, But BEFORE that I almost died on the flight over… kinda… not really…

The flight started like all flights do, I boarded the plane to find that someone was sitting in my assigned window seat…

Me: … excuse me…

Teenage girl with headphones on happily ignoring me: ….

Me: OY!!! (I like to go British when I’m annoyed)

Startled teenager yanking out headphones: WHAT?!

Me: I think you’re in my seat…

Disappointed teenager giving me big sad eyes: … am I?…

Me: *sigh* it’s fine, I’ll sit aisle.

The next interesting turn around happened on take off when I heard a… BAM! I looked around and noticed that no one else seemed to hear it, or if they did they didn’t look alarmed, so I wrote it off to me not being the calmest of fliers and got out my book.

I had only gotten through maybe a chapter when I suddenly felt myself sliding forward and my lap seatbelt tightening.  I checked the window next to the now sleeping teenager and only saw quickly moving by clouds. I again looked around the plane but, like before, no one was alarmed or even seemed to be aware of our quick descent. I wondered if this was just me being paranoid again?

… No… No, it freaking wasn’t…

DING

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts, we will be landing momentarily.

WHAT!? Momentarily!??! We JUST took off!!

I looked out the window and could now see that we had descended underneath the cloud layer and all I saw were mountains, pointy snow capped peaks, I DID NOT SEE AN AIRPORT OR RUNWAY AVAILABLE FOR LANDING!

Me: Stay calm girl, stay fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!

I saw that the seat stealing teenager was sleeping peacefully through our demise. Maybe it was a good thing she and I had switched seats. Being on the aisle allowed me optimal “get the fuck out of here” accessibility to the emergency exits. But then I though what if she doesn’t make it and everyone thinks she’s me since she’s in my seat?  OH MY GOD! They’ll tell Hubby I had died. HE’LL BE HEARTBROKEN!!! I mean she has blonde hair and kinda looks like me, there’s a chance I could be mistaken for… an 18 year old… okay never mind.

DING

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen we had lost cabin pressure, but we have descended to a safe altitude, and will be continuing our flight to Spokane.

… lost cabin pressure… WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR AIR MASKS!?!?

I may not be the best when it comes to paying attention during the safety talk the stewards give, but I’m pretty damn sure I remember someone mentioning how to put on your 1960’s style oxygen cup when there is A LOSS IN FREAKING CABIN PRESSURE!!

What. The. Fuck.

I can’t believe they didn’t drop… it’s outrageous!!…  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST SELFIE EVER!!

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Per the TSA I’m a bread carrying, lock picking, weirdo…

So while flying back from Spokane to Seattle, a couple weeks ago, I learned about what to NOT have in your carry on bag!

  1. When you’re visiting your parents and your mother teaches you how to make homemade bread. DO NOT let her talk you into taking the big circular shaped one home with you… in your carry on bag.
  2. Leave your lock picking tools, including the metal holding container, at home when traveling. DO NOT put it… in your carry on bag.
  3. If you have your iPhone earbuds, tie the wires up securely in a nice little bundle.  DO NOT let them be all willy nilly looping around the bread and lock pick box and then back to your phone… in your carry on bag.

I’m not gonna lie people, when the security lady flagged assistance over and turned the x-ray screen around so I could see the image of my carry on bag, and then asked me if I could explain what we were looking at…

It took everything in my power not to yell, “HOLY CRAP THAT LOOKS LIKE A BOMB!!”.

Luckily she was more understanding after she had me open up the bag and saw the bread, earbuds, and phone… it took a little while longer to explain the lockpick.

This would be where I would insert a picture of the x-ray image of my bag, and believe me I REALLY wanted to take a picture of it, but I thought grabbing for the bag to get the phone probably would have got me shot… soooooo… no pic.

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It started with Pinterest posts and ended with my inevitable death by explosion… classic Thursday.

Whitney: I just sent this to you via Pinterest but it’s too funny so I’m texting it to you too!4cfc70edb0c564a0c0d6d4a01c0d1009

Me: LOL, have you seen my ‘Word’ section in Pinterest?  I love these things, here’s a great one for me…
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Whitney: SO true for you!! (sidenote – you will ASLO be responsible for the explosion happening)

Me: Dude! Geez, you set a few accidental fires and suddenly you’re branded!!

Whitney: You know I’m right.  You are an explosion waiting to happen.  Those “small” fires are the gateway for you to an explosion.

Me:… technically it kinda already happened… remember the gas bbq in the courtyard?

Whitney: Oh yeah – the fire bomb!! May those palm trees rest in palm tree peace.

Me: Poor things, they never saw it coming… click. click. click. KABOOM!!!

Whitney: Seriously how are you still alive?

Me: I honestly don’t know.

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Hubby thinks I’ve reached a point of ridiculousness that there is absolutely no chance of coming back from… I hope so!!!

Hubby:… What… The… Hell?

Me: Don’t hate us cause we’re awesome.

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Incase of emergency… look cute and awesome!

Hubby has not been that impressed with my complete lack of weather preparation, especially in my car. So we went down to the garage to compare his car’s trunk of preparedness to mine.

Hubby: Do you have water?

Me: No, but I do have a couple Starbucks containers that seem to have some substance still in them.

Hubby: … wow

Me: What?!

Hubby: Moving on. What about a blanket? Snow shoes? Protein bars? Extra gas? Tool kit? Emergency suit?

Me:… uuummm… no, no, no, no, no, and a emergency what now?

Hubby: Emergency Suit, see it’s a full body suit you can put over your clothes.  It keeps you clean and warm when you have to work on your car or hike through snow.

Me: That’s ugly.

Hubby: It doesn’t matter how it looks, you should have one in your car. I’ll order you one.

Me: No!  I’ll do it, they have to make them cuter then that.

And Amazon did, and I ordered it, and it just arrived, and I sent a pic to hubby… and he has not replied… yet.

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Top Gun Baby!! Call me Goose!!

 

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Per Hubby I do NOT understand the basic fundamentals of Valentines Day.

So I love marriage counseling… come on people… you read this blog… you know there’s no way Hubby and I could hang in there without a little outside help.

Also, if anyone ever tells you that marriage counseling is a last resort, and only for those that are heading for a divorce, you may tell them on my behalf… FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING 1940’S IDEOLOGY YOU FUCKING HEAD UP YOUR ASS FUCK HEAD.

Sorry but I think therapy is awesome and healthy and a great way to get a weight off you that if not removed could really hurt or even kill you… so okay, back to my other rant.

So I found a great new therapist for Hubby and I since our move to Seattle, but her calendar is super limited so I took the first opening she had… which is next Tuesday… February 14th… WHAT!?!? I personally think spending Valentine’s Day evening at a marriage counselor makes perfect sense!  Hubby… not as much…

Hubby: What do you have against this holiday!?

Me: WHAT!? Nothing! I love it! There’s boxes of chocolates involved!! What’s not to like!?

Hubby: Well you have a weird way of showing it, do you remember Valentine’s Day of 2013?

Me:… no… why?

Hubby: You got the dog neutered!!

Me: IT WAS THE ONLY DAY THEY HAD AVAILABLE!!

Hubby: Because most people don’t want to remove their dog’s balls on the most romantic day of the year!!

Me: How is a dog having his balls on Valentine’s Day romantic!?

Hubby:…

Me: Well look at it this way, we already have a topic for the new counselor!

Hubby:…

Me: WHAT!?!?

dead-cupid

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Chivalry is dead.. and buried… and then someone dug it back up and peed on it… and then buried it again… with a dead fish…which stinks… literally.

So apparently, per the news, Seattle is having a Winter Storm Warning, aka WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IN A FROZEN TUNDRA OF DEATH!!!!

Now I was aware of this, but may have slightly forgotten about it when I was getting ready this morning and picking out my shoes for the day.  My beautiful 3 inch stiletto heeled shoes.

Shut. Up. I. Know.

But to be fair I take an elevator to our garage and then a nice, dry, weather free walk to my pre-warmed car.  So I didn’t really realize the error of my ways until I got to work, or to be more specific my work’s parking lot… which had not been plowed OR salted since the storm.

So there I was bracing myself against my car and contemplating the 20 feet stretch of snow and ice between me and the front door of my building. After taking a few test steps, that nearly landed me on my ass, I was beginning to consider the option of just taking of my babies and going barefoot across the parking lot when I saw it… my saving grace… my hero in a parka… a gentleman coming from across the lot towards me and the front door.

I was just about to tell him that he was my hero and people would sing songs of him when he slightly paused to look at me with my wide legged stance and car clutching arms and then… WALKED RIGHT ON BY ME AND INTO THE BUILDING… Dude!!! I mean DUDE!!!

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