BACK TO MY ROOTS!!! Meaning we’ve moved back to Seattle… Not that I went back to my natural hair color… I tried that and got bored with it after 2 months… My hair is currently blue.

WE MOVED!! Don’t get me wrong, I loved the 500 days out of the year of temperatures in the triple digits… But I am SUPER happy to be back to my home state of Washington and the return of that wet stuff that falls out of the sky… AND COATS!!!! OMG you don’t know how much you’ll miss coats until you can’t wear them, without the fear of dying of heat exhaustion… in December.

Keeping up with tradition there was the usual craziness of our move, as Hubby and I have learned to expect.

The first was when the ladies at Orko’s doggie daycare had a complete and utter breakdown when we told them it was his last day with them, there were dognapping threats and declarations of our evilness for taking him away, but they finally relented and sent him home… with a signed shirt by everyone who works there… I shit you not! I have picture proof!!!

Orko Shirt

The second was we sold EVERYTHING.  Seriously we were moving from a 3bd 2 1/2ba house to a 600sq studio… SHIT HAD TO GO!… I don’t know how many times I used the Spaceballs classic… “TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE!!”

PLUS Hubby and I were sharing a closet… SHARING ONE CLOSET… I’ve had my own closet since forever… it was a true test of our marriage…  I WAS ONLY ALLOWED 4 BOXES!!!

boxes
THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next shenanigans happened as we drove through Salt Lake City and the city LITERALLY TRIED TO KILL US!!!!!  No Lie!  We were driving along minding our own business when a hail storm hit, IN THE MIDDLE OF JUNE, with golf ball size hail pelting us on the Interstate.  Orko and I were on our own in the SUV while Hubby and CIA Cat weathered it (*snicker* get it?!?!) in the U-Haul.  I was screaming the entire time while Orko growled and barked. The fact that the windshield didn’t break still amazes me!! I took a picture after the storm had passed and we had pulled off at the next exit to recoup… Orko and I were in Hail Shock… it’s a thing.

hail shock

Then there was when we hit the state line of Idaho and I got super excited and leaned out the window yelling “IDAHOOOOOOO!” to which someone driving by the other way yelled back “YA YOU ARE!!!”… not cool Idaho.

But now we’re here and my life is back to normal, so expect WAY more posts forthcoming… YAYYYYY, I just used my word of the day!!!!!

forth·com·ing
[fôrTHˈkəmiNG]

ADJECTIVE

  1. planned for or about to happen in the near future:
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And now Hubby says he can never show his face in the E.R.

So Hubby loves playing in pick up basketball games.  This is basically when a bunch of guys  who don’t know each other go to the park, gather at the basketball court, and then within 1 minute of meeting are best friends and play a game of basketball… it’s a beautiful thing.

However, cause they’re guys things instantly get rough housy and then I get a call from Hubby that I should probably meet him at the local emergency room…

At the ER I meet up with Hubby who has an impressive blood fountain coming out of his forehead.

Me: GOOD LORD

Hubby: It’s not that bad.

Me: Your forehead is impersonating Old Faithful! But not as majestic.

Hubby: IT’S NOT THAT BAD!

Me: YES, IT IS!!

Nurse: NEXT!

Hubby and I walk up to the very serious looking nurse.

Nurse: Reason for your visit to the ER?

Me:…

Hubby:…

Me: Old Bloody Faithful.

Nurse: hhhmmmm… Sir… are you safe at home?

Me: What does that matter?!?

Hubby: Babe.

Me: WHAT!?!? That’s the stupidest question, what does it matter?

Nurse: Ma’am I’m going to need you to step back and let your Husband answer the question!

Me: Why? He doesn’t know.

Nurse: What?

Me: If we’re safe at home.  Yes, we are. I was on birth control pills, but kept forgetting to take them, so I switched to the Nova Ring, which was kinda weird the first couple time getting that thing up…

Hubby: BABE!!!!

Me: What?

Hubby: Not that kind of safe at home! She’s asking if I’m safe at home with you, as in do you hit me.

Me: …. oh… well that makes more sense.

Hubby: Good grief babe.

Me: WHAT? Isn’t it a  good sign that I didn’t know what she she was talking about!? It means I probably don’t hit you!

I looked to her for confirmation, but the now teary eyed nurse had rolled her chair over to the nurse next to her and was whispering in her ear and both then broke down into laughing convulsions.

Me: I think we’re good, doesn’t look like she thinks I hit you any more.

Hubby: Great, thanks.

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How I broke my friend and made her question her life, all while I didn’t watch the Bachelor

I wish I liked the Bachelor, so many of my friends like that show and listening to them each morning losing their shit over who did what, who wasn’t picked, who was picked, who kissed who, who didn’t kiss who, who swam the best with the pigs (not making that up, it was a serious topic one morning), who was left on the island, who said I love you, who said I love you when they weren’t supposed to say I love you…

It’s amazing!

So with the big finale coming I decided to just skip ahead and read the spoiler articles on Facebook while my friend Whitney avoided all social media while she watched it old Pacific time.  Luck for me she took my texts, however that was unlucky for her…

*spoiler* if you are in no way interested in the bachelor this is going to be pretty boring for you and you can skip the text, all but the last one when Whitney questions her life… that part is hilarious.

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And so she watched… and discovered… he didn’t pick JoJo…

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While this was tons of fun I decided to up the anti and be a total dick and reveal a spoiler… which was actually a lie… cause I’m a dick.

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A road trip almost ended my marriage, but the good news is Hubby has found God… 4 times… accidentally.

Hubby: When’s the next gas station coming up?

Me:…

Hubby: Babe

Me:…

Hubby: BABE!

Me: WHAT!?

Hubby: GAS?

Me: NO!!  But thanks for asking, my tummy was feeling a little iffy earlier. Note to self, those giant tobacco slim jims are not for the faint of heart… or digestive track.

Hubby: *sigh* Gas station, babe, when’s the next gas station.

Me: Oh! um, 8 more miles.

Hubby: What are you doing anyways? You’ve been messing with the radio station for the last 15 minutes.

Me: Are you aware you have 4 Christian stations saved in your station memory? Not that there’s anything wrong with that… I was just wondering when you found God.

Hubby: No, I don’t.

Me: YOU DO! See I wrote each station number down and checked online, these 4 are Christian channels… actually you have one station saved twice… you must really like their God music.

Hubby: No I don’t, are you sure? Maybe you saved them.

Me: Ha ha ha, that’s hilarious, I have NO idea how to save a station on the radio dial thingy.

Hubby: Yes, you do.

Me: No, I don’t.

Hubby: YES, YOU DO.

Me: NO, I DON’T.

Hubby: YES!!

Me: NO!!.. don’t be mad.

Hubby: I’m not mad babe, but I’m sure you do know how to save a station.

Me: No, not that… we passed the exit for the gas station.

Hubby:…

Me: Here, let me put the station back to your favorite God music.

Hubby:…

 

P.S. there is like an 86.9% chance I was the one who saved those channels… a lot of those god songs are pretty damn catchy… darn catchy… sorry.

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My Hubby and the Dog find the idea of me running horrifying… harsh.

So my fabulous job has lunches catered into the office and, like most days, I ate WAY too much and was paying for it later in the day with buddha food belly regrets.

I texted Hubby about the terrible tummy situation I was in and he suggested I pop open the top button on my jeans, do a couple stretches, and drink lots of water.

Feeling like these were excellent suggestions I accepted his ideas and came up with some of my own, including maybe actually jogging and taking Orko with me as a running buddy!

Their reply was not cool… like really not cool.

concerned

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I’m a “professional” photographer now, but my dog just thinks I’m a “professional” asshole.

So last Christmas Hubby got me an AMAZING high techie camera that I promised I would use EVERYDAY and we would be able to decorate our house with the AWARD WINNING photos I was going to take… and then I used it like 4 times, decided it was way to fancy and technical for me and then never touched it again.

Fast forwarded to last week when Hubby threatened to sell my super high techie camera if I don’t learn how to use it…soooo… GROUPON TO THE RESCUE!

God Bless Groupon with their handy dandy coupons for any and all things.  I found a local studio that was giving a “So you’ve bought a high techie camera and have no idea how to use it” class… seriously that was the name of it.

So Sunday at 9am I was in their studio with my high techie camera, notebook, and trenta coffee. And after 4 hours of awesomeness I had like 25% of an idea how to use my high techie camera… which is better then 0%!

I ran home and started taking picture with all the new lighting, compensation, saturation, depth, knowledge I now knew.

Because he’s so damn attractive, I used Orko as my model… at first he was totally into it… then it got old… real old.

Picture #1
Orko: You want to take my picture?! OKAY!!IMG_2180

Picture #25
Orko: Okay you’ve been at this for a while, getting a little tired holding this pose.IMG_2179

Picture #67
Orko: I think you’ve got the shot already lady.IMG_2177

Picture #145
Orko: I will fucking cut you.IMG_2178

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Marriage, it’s about really knowing your partner, and the awkward photos that follow…

 

I love my Hubby and pretty sure on good days he loves me, but I’m certain that if there had been texting back when we started dating, about 20 years ago, he would have NEVER given me a second date.

Case in point, our text conversation about when I’d be heading home from work…

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