The Squeeze

Hello Strangers,

So I’ve been blog awol for a while. I have to admit it’s pretty hard to come back to this place of fun, silliness, and random fires that, let’s be honest, is my life.

February 14th my mom died.

My mother was an amazing force in my life, she was my cheerleader, coach, backer, counselor, confident, and drinking buddy.  Not having her in my life is crippling.

The only nice thing I can say about all this is… we had time.

We found out about mom’s “probably benign” tumor in February of 2017. We then had months of chemo, a blessed month of “it’s probably gone”, the return, and then the final 3 months of accepting the end was coming.

I can’t even begin to list all the things I will miss from not having my mom in my life.  If any of you have lost a parent you know, for those of you that haven’t, get up, leave your computer behind, and go hug them so hard and for so long.

My mom didn’t hug, she squeezed.  She would come right up to me, nose to nose, take each of my arms with her hands and… just squeeze. It’s like she was sending me all her love and strength and confidence through her hands and into my body.  I loved that squeeze.

The day I said my final goodbye to my mom, we both knew, this was it, we weren’t going to see each other after that day.  My mom got up and took both my arms in her hands.  I was keeping a good, fake, front. Big smiles, false optimism, telling her I loved her and I’d call her when I got back home.  It was then that my mom did the squeeze. The woman in front of me was a mere shadow of the woman she had once been, but that squeeze, that was an original.  It felt like she had gathered all her remaining strength and was sending me her final surge of love and strength and confidence.

It broke me.

I got to my car, drove 2 miles, pulled over, and cried huge, suffocating, gut wrenching, sobs. I had known at that moment that she had given me everything, all of her, to carry forward and keep me strong through what was going to come.

It’s been 3 months and I miss her more each day.  There are some days I don’t even want to get out of bed, or shower, or even talk. But on those days I take each of my arms in my hands and I squeeze, and I remember who’s daughter I am… and I go on.

Mom

To my mom, the woman who taught me all the important things in life.

 

 

 

 

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2018 and people can’t stop giving me money… it sucks.

So I don’t know about the rest of you, but the first day back after the holiday season is tough, especially when you’re someone like me who took 2 weeks off.

Just the fact that I was able to roll myself out of bed, pull on a pair of sweats and sweatshirt from the floor, that had been my main outfit during the long holiday, shove my ‘probably should have washed in the last week’ hair under a baseball cap, and get to work only 2 hours late should be applauded… however my office mate Ciera took one look at me when I walked in, grabbed her purse, and gave me all her spare change…

So today when getting dressed for work I decided that I needed to rectify yesterday’s insult and bring my A game.  And boy did I ever, freshly washed piled high hair, tight slacks, a sexy blouse, and BAM heels… now Ciera’s throwing singles at me…

I’m going home.

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It’s never too early for Jesus, and apparently a hearing aid…

My office mate, Ciera, walked into our office with a concerned look on her face. She turned to me and asked… “Is it too early for Jesus?”.

Now I’m not an overly religious person, in fact I just had to google the correct spelling of religious. So I decided to take a moment to come up with an answer, I realize now I should have taken a longer moment.

“HECK NO! I think there are way too many rules when it comes to Jesus, mostly brought on by his male dominated fan club. I mean the dude just wanted everyone to be good to each other, help to make the world a better place, and don’t be a douche.  So just focus on that, it doesn’t have to be in a designated place once a day every week, he’s not taking attendance. Just do you, or the best version of you possible, how ever, where ever, and when ever!”

I paused to take a breath, and was feeling pretty good with my answer, when Ciera tilted her head with an amused smile and said, “Mona, I asked if it’s too early for Cheez-its”.

“…oh, geez Ciera it’s 8:00am, of course it’s too early for Cheez-its, you weirdo.”

 

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How helping a friend decide on her family’s first Halloween themed costumes nearly ended an 8 year friendship.

Tracy: I need help coming up with ideas for our Halloween costumes! You’re creative, have any ideas!?!

Me: Wow, the pressure… OH this!!

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Tracy:… okay don’t judge… but I’ve never seen this movie…

Me: …let me reply with this…

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Tracy: I’ve been busy!

Me: It’s been out for 16 years!!

Tracy: Like I said, BUSY!!

Me: Hold on, I’m trying to take selfie of eye roll, but it’s not coming out right.

Tracy: oh shut up! Any another ideas? Don’t forget about Nigel! They are inseparable.

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Me: Shut. Up. That is CRAZY cute… OMG she needs to be a cowgirl and you can put a saddle on Nigel!! AND you and Dan can be cows!!!

Tracy: Oh My God YYYEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Me: HOLY SHIT look what Google image just gifted me!

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Tracy: I’m. Dying.  This is brilliant… are we good?

Me: Ya but now I’m scared to even ask about other movies… you’ve seen all the Harry Potters right?

Tracy: … um…

Me: … Star Wars…

Tracy: … well…

Me: … LORD OF THE RINGS!?!…

Tracy: … busy?…

Me: aaaannnnddddd you’re dead to me.

 

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“And Then I Died a Little Inside”… not really but that’s a pretty gripping post title, right up there with “She Thought it Was Going to be Just Another Gyno Appointment Until…”

I just had the worlds greatest conversation and finished it off with the most spot on joke that was so freaking funny, I peed a little.

I then turned to see what status of hilarity my office mate was in after the awesomeness that was my story telling, and saw this…

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Fucking noise canceling fucking headphones.

He actually had to fill out an extensive hardware purchase order request with our IT department to have these ordered for him. In the section listed “How will these crazy expensive headphones help you to complete your work?”, he wrote “I share an office with Mona.”.

His request was approved 10 minutes later.

Hurtful.

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I’m learning to play the ukulele and apparently it’s the cruelest thing I’ve ever done to my dog…

So I’ve been trying to learn how to play the guitar, and like all my past declarations of becoming amazing at something that I’ve just started to learn, I’ve completely given up on it when I hadn’t mastered it after the first class.

I was sad for like a minute until I realized, after several glasses of wine, where I had failed with the guitar, I would truly excel at with the… Ukulele!!

Two days later my Amazon box was delivered and I was once again a musical prodigy.

However, Orko had other opinions… harsh opinions.

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Why? Why is she doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this?!?

It got worse later in the night…

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Just kill me, it doesn’t even have to be swift, just end my suffering.

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Per Hubby, our marriage is cured, but I still need some work…

Me: Don’t forget, couples counseling tomorrow at 5.

Hubby: Oh ya, I don’t think I’m going to go to those for a while.

Me:… Oh… My… God… is this your way of saying you’re divorcing me!? CAUSE NOT COOL, I MEAN WINE A GIRL UP FIRST OR SOMETHING!!!

Hubby: Easy there crazy, I meant I think we’re doing pretty good and I don’t really have anything to say to her anymore… but maybe you should keep going… because… well… you know…

Me: Why did you just make a hand gesture over me when you said that?

Hubby: Because…

Me: You just did it again, but with both hands. That does not make me feel any better!!!

Hubby: Well now you have something to discuss in your first one on one therapy session.

Me: …dude…

p.s. I did go on my own and it was AWESOME, even better then couples, as I got to do ALL the talking, and at no point was I interrupted by Hubby screaming at me, like he did at last weeks session; “BABE, SHE ASKED HOW’S YOUR POSITION AT WORK! NOT THAT!! GOOD LORD WOMAN, T.M.I. !!!”.

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