I’m depressed that I’m depressed about being depressed… and I need a cookie

Hubby:  How as the Zoom with the ladies?

Me: UUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!

Hubby: That bad?

Me: No it was good, they’re good, well not good, they’re crappy cause we’re all crappy, but they’re like awesome about it.  UUUUGGGHHHHHHH!

Hubby: … so that’s good?

Me: NO… ya… I mean they have it so much harder then me, kids, home schooling, mortgages, no jobs and they’re like “Hey, just one day at a time” and ” At least we’re healthy” and ” what can we do to help the awfulness that is our society right now” and they’re just so great. UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Hubby:… how dare they?

Me: And then look at me, I’m fine, I don’t have to share my space with small children… except you

Hubby: hurtful

Me: Plus we’re solid work wise and home wise and everything!!! But still I have to insult you just so you’ll physically push me out of the bed each morning for me to be able to face the day.

Hubby: ya the name calling isn’t necessary for me to do that, I’m more then happy to kick you out of bed

Me: I suck

Hubby: you’re awesome

Me: I’ve gained 15 pounds in cookie abuse, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STOP ME FROM COOKIE PITY PARTIES!!

Hubby:  I WILL! I promise… although I like to have more to hug

Me: it’s not just that, I haven’t showered in like 2 weeks

Hubby: ya about that

Me: …

Hubby: you’re so pretty

Me: UUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH, you’re so nice

Hubby: sorry

Me: no I love you, you’re amazing, everyone’s amazing, I need to be amazing… I’M GOING TO BE AMAZING…   can I have a cookie

Hubby: ya here you go

me: UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

cookie

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The internal monologue with myself when running with my dog…

We got this let’s RUN… oh… pee break first, sure okay do your thing

What… but you just peed!

STOP PEEING!!

Is it possible for a dog to have a bladder infection, I should Google that.

I swear to god if you sniff one more bush

I AM YOUR MASTER YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME

Okay one more quick pee, but seriously this is the last one

Should I just stop running? I mean what’s the point anymore, this has been like a 20 minute mile

This is it, time for serious running

Oh sweet Jesus where did this hill come from

I taste blood

Are my lungs bleeding… IS THAT POSSIBLE

Ya it’s cool buddy we can stop to pee, I don’t need to stop, but I’ll stop for you

Oh god when will this torture end

No, no it’s okay, I’m good, I’m getting my second wind, I could run forever

TWO MILES! YESSSS THANK YOU ALL HEAVENLY BEINGS, WE’RE DONE

Now to crawl home, I mean do our cool down walk home

Seriously you’re not evening peeing anymore, you’re just lifting your leg

Fine, you be you dog, but I’m definitely Googling dog bladder infections when we get home… and bleeding lungs.

 

 

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It’s a fine line between funny and I’m gonna kill you…

Me: Babe, I can’t find my cell phone, would you call me!?

Hubby: Mona!!

Me: ha ha

Hubby: MONA!!

Me: You’re the absolute worst

Hubby: MMMOONNNAAA!!!

Me: I hate you so… oh wait, I found it!

Hubby: See!?!? It worked!!

Me: I repeat, the absolute worst.

Marriage

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I’m running and nothings chasing me… we live in F’d up times.

So my daily activity of couch eating and bathtub drinking has caused some dire effects.

During my last ladies virtual HH some evil bastard suggested we all put on a pair of our favorite jeans. We did laughing, being obtuse and unaware of the devils true plan.

The screams and anguished cries of “BUT THESE ARE MY FAT PANTS, THEY ALWAYS FIT!!”, was horrifying… but a bit of an eye opener.

SO now we’re doing a 30 day 2 mile run challenge… running… for no other reason then for the “joy” of it… these are messed up times my friends.

I’m on day two and a 12 minute mile runner, which apparently earns you, “ahh don’t worry sweetie, you’ll see an improvement soon”, comments.  Which is annoying cause I thought that was pretty good!

The only perk of this is discovering my new life coach in the form of my Runkeeper app audio cues.

I selected “Your Conscience” to give me time/distance updates and inspirational comments.  Some of my favorite:

“You run like a gazelle across the great plains of Africa”

“After you finish you can sit on a couch and drink a whole bottle of wine… just a joke… not really.”

“You’re running as fast as a hippopotamus… and they run fast, seriously!

fast like hippo

Actual photo of me running… you’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

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In our house you’re no longer allowed to be the judge of judging how funny you judge others…

Hubby: (typing at his laptop) mumble.. mumble..  I’m so funny  mumble.. mumble..

Me: I’m sorry, but did you just say YOU’RE so funny?

Hubby:  .. ya..

Me: Um, I’ll be the judge of that! What did you type that you think was SO funny?

Hubby: No! I don’t need you to judge me!  I CAN JUDGE MYSELF!!

Me: *snicker*

Hubby: See… I’m funny.

Well played

 

 

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Talking to myself always makes me feel like a dumbass

Me: I have to do something different, over a month of being home is messing with my mind.

Myself: Jesus, don’t be so dramatic you’re fine.

Me: Am I?!? Cause I’m pretty sure scientist say when the voices in your head start replying to you it means you’re losing it.

Myself: What scientist?

Me: You know the ones that do studies and write stuff in medical journals.

Myself: And you know this cause you’ve read a medical journal… name the journal.

Me: … well… maybe I heard it in the news or something… or maybe someone mentioned it to me once..

Myself: Wow, can’t fight those amazing references.

Me: You’re such an ass.

Myself: Takes one to know one!

Me: Mature! F you whatever, I need to start doing something new to get me out of this mind slump. Maybe I’ll do one of those writing challenges, like 30 stories in 30 days.  I’ve always wanted to do something like that.

Myself: Don’t you have a blog?

Me: …well ya… but I haven’t really… I mean I’ve wanted to… but I don’t really have the time to… well that is… you suck.

Myself: 😉

talking
Per Hubby I was doing this… but he’s used to it…

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The untouched bottle

Before my mother passed away she told my dad there was a certain bottle of wine in the cellar, she had bought it a long time ago and was aging for a special moment, and she wanted him to give it to me after she was gone.  Her instructions were, I was to drink it when I was really happy about something.

My mother has been gone for almost 2 years and that bottle remains untouched.

Now this isn’t to say I haven’t been happy in the last 2 years.  Sure, I’ve been happy, maybe even really happy.  But to drink that bottle, in my mind, meant I was saying, “ok mom, I’m good, I’ve gotten through the ache of missing you, and I can drink this with absolutely no sadness in my heart”.

So it stayed in my wine storage, through 2 moves, some really great girl trips, a job raise, and several anniversaries and holidays, untouched… until.

I received a group text from my cousin Jen, her father was my mom’s brother.  Uncle Joe and my mom were tight, best buds, confidantes. And because sometimes the world just sucks, he died 3 years before my mom, cancer.

Jen: I’m doing a genetic cancer test and I need help verifying all the cancers we’ve had in our family

Me: All of them, we’ve had all of them

Rose: Sadly this seems accurate

Helen: Jen good for you, what brought this on??

Jen: I’m turning 50 in November and I need to know if I’m going to make 60

Me: WTF 50!?!?

Rose: What are you doing for it?!?

Jen: Nothing really, this test?

Helen: ooohh hell no, ladies I’m thinking cousins weekend!

So as is the way, a genetic cancer test group text became a cousins weekend celebration. Everyone flew into Seattle, we ferried out to a cottage on an island, and ate, told stories, remembered, cried, laughed, danced, and… drank.

I had brought the bottle, thinking if there was ever a moment, this would have to be it, right?

I sat in the kitchen with the bottle on the counter, and the opener in my hand, and just waited.

Jen: you going to open that

Me: I want to…

Jen: you know what today is

Me: your birthday

Jen: yep, and it’s the 5 year anniversary of my dad’s death

Me: oh god Jen, on your birthday

Jen: I know, I wasn’t there, but you know who was… your mom, she was there for him, and me afterwards, so I’m here for you

Me: I think she’d like us to drink to that

Jen: I think she would

The bottle

…sometimes the moment finds you…

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Just when ya think you’re the most awkward person in the world, your co-worker steps up and takes the crazy crown.

Sitting at my desk, about to enjoy my first cup of coffee when I felt a presence behind me, and some heavy breathing.

Me: hhhhheeeyyyy Heather, how’s your morning going?

Heather: I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die alone.

Me:…

Heather: my friend told me about this guy she kinda knows who she thinks would be great for me. But he was seeing someone and I was with douche boy, but now we’re both available so I told her to hook a girl up and she said she hasn’t talked to him in a while so I went and checked out his facebook page.

Me: stalker

Heather: pretty much, but that boy is a 6 foot tree I would like to climb!

Me: wow

Heather: so I put my phone down and went and did some stuff but when I came back I had SOMEHOW friend requested him!

Me: nnnnooooo

Heather: YES! So I panic and decide to send him a quick note just giving him a heads up of who I am, aaannndddd… I’m so gonna die alone

Me: *sigh* show me

Heather (thrusting her phone at me): the scroll down button is on the right

Me: … oh god…

Heather: I know

Me: you mention your panties!?

Heather: ya I was trying for funny

Me: aanndd cats

Heather: quirky?

Me: did you just swear at him?

Heather: confident?

Me: oohh god now the panties are back

Heather: funny?

Me: and now you’re talking about yourself in third person

Heather: I thought there should be someone to explain what I was saying.

Me: wow this is REALLY long… DID YOU FROWNY FACE YOUR OWN MESSAGE!?!

Heather: yyaaa, that was on accident

Me: … and no reply from him yet?

Heather:… no…

Me: you are totally going to die alone, can I blog this?

Heather:… sure, I’ll email it to you.

AND SHE DID!!!!

Hi Mona,

Full text copied from the FB message. Italic part is what I almost added but decided against… because I was afraid he wouldn’t get the joke… yeah that is the line that I thought “mayyyybe not… don’t wanna seem too weird” panty thing… totes okay with but I felt the highlighted part was a bridge too far. I obviously have like zero shame so feel free to use my name just don’t post my number unless your blog is really popular and some cute guy is like “woah… she is super funny I want to get to know her then… HOOK A SISTA UP, YO!

“Hi. I know you’re probably thinking “who is this devastatingly beautiful friend of Rebecca’s and why is she writing to me?” and that is a GREAT question… so glad you asked… “want to make 10,000 dollars working from home a month?!? I can show you how!”

You see, today I put on my “throw caution to the wind and do something brave” panties… SPOILER ALERT: they fit seamlessly under the granny panties I normally wear…

Anyways where was I? Oh yes, why I’m writing… well like 2 weeks ago Rebecca (my best friend in the entire universe… weeeeell she’s more like my older sister and I’m the scrappy weird little sister who gets on her nerves and does dumb shit) and I were talking when she mentioned you and how she thought we should meet. Apparently, she was going to introduce us last year but you were either in a relationship or just getting out of one (she wasn’t clear on the deets) and I was dating a dude she totally hated but she thinks you’re single now and so am I. God I’m so very very single… I’ve started naming the cats I don’t have yet but think are required once you hit this level of single. She thinks that we would be a great match because she said you’re weird like me… (gauntlet thrown mo’fo)…

So last night I had asked if she mentioned me and she was like “blah blah blah… something something… made fun of me… yadda yadda yadda” and then she remembered you accepted her friend request and in a moment of brilliance I was like “dude we can see if he’s single now” so I went to your FB on my phone… and looked at your page and saw you were single and put my phone down and told Rebecca to “hook a sista up, yo”…

Narrator: she didn’t say yo. Or sista.

Anyways I was getting ready for bed when I saw that you had accepted my friend request. A friend request I DIDN’T send. Well, I mean I DID send it but I didn’t MEAN to send it…

Anywho… I guess this is a long way of saying “Hi, my friend said we should meet and I put on my brave panties today so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and say hi which is something I normally would NEVER do because I’m a chicken”

If you aren’t single feel free to laugh at the patheticness of this mail with your lady and be like “yeah babe… see I still got it” but if you are single and would like to talk to someone who is obviously funny AF then feel free to reach out…”

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Thought I was being hilarious and ended up disrespecting my besties titties.

Texting with my bestie Tracy, the AMAZING chef at Served from Scratch and thought her phone made a hilarious spell check error… only it didn’t… and I felt like an ass…

Text 1

So because I’m not a TOTAL monster I sent flowers… to her titties…

Insta

And then we came up with the worlds greatest business idea!!

text2

Brilliance!

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Hubby and I are doomed when the Zombie Apocalypse finally comes

This is just one of those random, been together over 20 years, conversations that Hubby and I had while stuck in our car waiting for the ferry…

Me: When the zombie apocalypse comes I think we should live on a little island, just the two of us.

Hubby: *sigh* because the ferry is an hour out and I’m bored, I’m going to just go with this… why would living on an island help us during a zombie apocalypse?

Me: BECAUSE, we’d be the only ones on it so no other infected people to fight off, we could get food by fishing and I could grow a vegetable garden and you could create some kind of solar panel windmill thingy for electricity, PLUS there’s like a giant ocean moat around us so no zombie can get to us! I’m BRILLIANT!

Hubby: Okay brilliant, have you thought about the fact that the zombies can just walk along the ocean bottom and up onto our island?

Me: no… the sharks would eat them?

Hubby: ya all those sharks… off the Seattle coast… Okay, we’ll go with that, but then wouldn’t they be zombie sharks? So now we have zombie sharks circling our island.

Me: well that’s not good

Hubby: No it isn’t, so fishing will probably be out, but we have this amazing garden you’re gonna grow, even though you can’t keep a cactus alive for a week, remember the tragic end of Mr. Pokey?

Me: *whispers sadly* Mr. Pokey

Hubby: Or that I have NO idea how to create a solar panel windmill thing.

Me: you don’t!? well crap

Hubby: Plus I’m pretty sure, knowing you, you’d be one of the first people bit, probably while trying to save a bunch of puppies from the zombies.

Me: ooohhh those poor puppies

Hubby: And then you’d come right for me and boom, I’m a zombie now too, and we’re both just stumbling around moaning and drooling and getting eaten by zombie sharks.

Me: Ya know, you’re really ruining this zombie apocalypse for me!

Hubby: sorry?

Honestly-my-biggest-fear-about-becoming-a-zombie

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