Me: Oh babe look, this article says scientist found a mummified dinasour and there’s pictures!!
Hubby: But who wrapped the mummy?
Me:…
Hubby:…
Me:…
Hubby: Oh my god.
Me: Oh my god!
Hubby: I can’t believe I said that.
Me: I can’t believe you said that!
Hubby: That’s something you would have said.
Me: Thats totally something I would have said… but I didn’t… you did!!!!
Hubby: Kill me.
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So while driving across the 520 bridge into work this morning, I saw a huge bald eagle sitting on top of a light pole up ahead of me. I decided I had to take a picture as he was looking majestic as fuck and it needed to be captured and posted on my Instagram page stat! But then Myself butted in and ruined it… and saved my life… but whatever.
Myself: What the HELL do you think you’re doing?
Me: Dude, look at it! He’s majestic as shit!
Myself: You are currently driving at a lunatic 60 miles an hour in bumper to bumper traffic with a bunch of other lunatics. If you attempt to find your phone in you purse, then get to your picture app, then somehow zoom in, and take a focused picture of that eagle… you will die.
Me: Well that’s a little extreme.
Myself: Well it’s the truth! So forget it and keep driving with both hands on the wheel you idiot!
Me: You know what?! You are ALWAYS ruining things for me and you NEVER let me have any fun!
Myself: Yes, and you’re still alive, so you’re welcome!
Me: Whatever I hate you and I’m not talking to you anymore.
Myself: FINE WITH ME!
About 5 minutes later, and still not talking to myself, the radio went to a traffic update and announced that there had just been a multiple car accident on the east bound 520, shutting down the bridge and causing extended delays.
Myself: Mmmmmmm, looks like someone was an idiot and decided to take a picture of that eagle… AND DIED!
Me: …
Myself: Anything to say??
Me:… ya… I bet that was a fucking awesome picture!!
Myself:… I hate you…
Me: Ditto.
(side note: no one died in the telling of this blog post, it was just a fender bender)
So sorry for the blurry of the blown up images!
Could I have typed out the conversation instead?
Sure…
Did I?
No.
Why not?
Lazy… come on people you read my blog, this should really come as no surprise!
So as I mentioned in my last blog, I visited the fam a couple weeks ago and almost got taken down at the security check, But BEFORE that I almost died on the flight over… kinda… not really…
The flight started like all flights do, I boarded the plane to find that someone was sitting in my assigned window seat…
Me: … excuse me…
Teenage girl with headphones on happily ignoring me: ….
Me: OY!!! (I like to go British when I’m annoyed)
Startled teenager yanking out headphones: WHAT?!
Me: I think you’re in my seat…
Disappointed teenager giving me big sad eyes: … am I?…
Me: *sigh* it’s fine, I’ll sit aisle.
The next interesting turn around happened on take off when I heard a… BAM! I looked around and noticed that no one else seemed to hear it, or if they did they didn’t look alarmed, so I wrote it off to me not being the calmest of fliers and got out my book.
I had only gotten through maybe a chapter when I suddenly felt myself sliding forward and my lap seatbelt tightening. I checked the window next to the now sleeping teenager and only saw quickly moving by clouds. I again looked around the plane but, like before, no one was alarmed or even seemed to be aware of our quick descent. I wondered if this was just me being paranoid again?
… No… No, it freaking wasn’t…
DING
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts, we will be landing momentarily.
WHAT!? Momentarily!??! We JUST took off!!
I looked out the window and could now see that we had descended underneath the cloud layer and all I saw were mountains, pointy snow capped peaks, I DID NOT SEE AN AIRPORT OR RUNWAY AVAILABLE FOR LANDING!
Me: Stay calm girl, stay fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!
I saw that the seat stealing teenager was sleeping peacefully through our demise. Maybe it was a good thing she and I had switched seats. Being on the aisle allowed me optimal “get the fuck out of here” accessibility to the emergency exits. But then I though what if she doesn’t make it and everyone thinks she’s me since she’s in my seat? OH MY GOD! They’ll tell Hubby I had died. HE’LL BE HEARTBROKEN!!! I mean she has blonde hair and kinda looks like me, there’s a chance I could be mistaken for… an 18 year old… okay never mind.
DING
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen we had lost cabin pressure, but we have descended to a safe altitude, and will be continuing our flight to Spokane.
… lost cabin pressure… WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR AIR MASKS!?!?
I may not be the best when it comes to paying attention during the safety talk the stewards give, but I’m pretty damn sure I remember someone mentioning how to put on your 1960’s style oxygen cup when there is A LOSS IN FREAKING CABIN PRESSURE!!
What. The. Fuck.
I can’t believe they didn’t drop… it’s outrageous!!… THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST SELFIE EVER!!
Whitney: I just sent this to you via Pinterest but it’s too funny so I’m texting it to you too!
Me: LOL, have you seen my ‘Word’ section in Pinterest? I love these things, here’s a great one for me…
Whitney: SO true for you!! (sidenote – you will ASLO be responsible for the explosion happening)
Me: Dude! Geez, you set a few accidental fires and suddenly you’re branded!!
Whitney: You know I’m right. You are an explosion waiting to happen. Those “small” fires are the gateway for you to an explosion.
Me:… technically it kinda already happened… remember the gas bbq in the courtyard?
Whitney: Oh yeah – the fire bomb!! May those palm trees rest in palm tree peace.
Me: Poor things, they never saw it coming… click. click. click. KABOOM!!!
Whitney: Seriously how are you still alive?
Me: I honestly don’t know.
