2018 and people can’t stop giving me money… it sucks.

Posted on January 3, 2018 by

So I don’t know about the rest of you, but the first day back after the holiday season is tough, especially when you’re someone like me who took 2 weeks off.

Just the fact that I was able to roll myself out of bed, pull on a pair of sweats and sweatshirt from the floor, that had been my main outfit during the long holiday, shove my ‘probably should have washed in the last week’ hair under a baseball cap, and get to work only 2 hours late should be applauded… however my office mate Ciera took one look at me when I walked in, grabbed her purse, and gave me all her spare change…

So today when getting dressed for work I decided that I needed to rectify yesterday’s insult and bring my A game.  And boy did I ever, freshly washed piled high hair, tight slacks, a sexy blouse, and BAM heels… now Ciera’s throwing singles at me…

I’m going home.

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It’s never too early for Jesus, and apparently a hearing aid…

Posted on December 1, 2017 by

My office mate, Ciera, walked into our office with a concerned look on her face. She turned to me and asked… “Is it too early for Jesus?”.

Now I’m not an overly religious person, in fact I just had to google the correct spelling of religious. So I decided to take a moment to come up with an answer, I realize now I should have taken a longer moment.

“HECK NO! I think there are way too many rules when it comes to Jesus, mostly brought on by his male dominated fan club. I mean the dude just wanted everyone to be good to each other, help to make the world a better place, and don’t be a douche.  So just focus on that, it doesn’t have to be in a designated place once a day every week, he’s not taking attendance. Just do you, or the best version of you possible, how ever, where ever, and when ever!”

I paused to take a breath, and was feeling pretty good with my answer, when Ciera tilted her head with an amused smile and said, “Mona, I asked if it’s too early for Cheez-its”.

“…oh, geez Ciera it’s 8:00am, of course it’s too early for Cheez-its, you weirdo.”

 

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How helping a friend decide on her family’s first Halloween themed costumes nearly ended an 8 year friendship.

Posted on September 20, 2017 by

Tracy: I need help coming up with ideas for our Halloween costumes! You’re creative, have any ideas!?!

Me: Wow, the pressure… OH this!!

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Tracy:… okay don’t judge… but I’ve never seen this movie…

Me: …let me reply with this…

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Tracy: I’ve been busy!

Me: It’s been out for 16 years!!

Tracy: Like I said, BUSY!!

Me: Hold on, I’m trying to take selfie of eye roll, but it’s not coming out right.

Tracy: oh shut up! Any another ideas? Don’t forget about Nigel! They are inseparable.

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Me: Shut. Up. That is CRAZY cute… OMG she needs to be a cowgirl and you can put a saddle on Nigel!! AND you and Dan can be cows!!!

Tracy: Oh My God YYYEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Me: HOLY SHIT look what Google image just gifted me!

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Tracy: I’m. Dying.  This is brilliant… are we good?

Me: Ya but now I’m scared to even ask about other movies… you’ve seen all the Harry Potters right?

Tracy: … um…

Me: … Star Wars…

Tracy: … well…

Me: … LORD OF THE RINGS!?!…

Tracy: … busy?…

Me: aaaannnnddddd you’re dead to me.

 

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“And Then I Died a Little Inside”… not really but that’s a pretty gripping post title, right up there with “She Thought it Was Going to be Just Another Gyno Appointment Until…”

Posted on August 30, 2017 by

I just had the worlds greatest conversation and finished it off with the most spot on joke that was so freaking funny, I peed a little.

I then turned to see what status of hilarity my office mate was in after the awesomeness that was my story telling, and saw this…

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Fucking noise canceling fucking headphones.

He actually had to fill out an extensive hardware purchase order request with our IT department to have these ordered for him. In the section listed “How will these crazy expensive headphones help you to complete your work?”, he wrote “I share an office with Mona.”.

His request was approved 10 minutes later.

Hurtful.

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I’m learning to play the ukulele and apparently it’s the cruelest thing I’ve ever done to my dog…

Posted on August 21, 2017 by

So I’ve been trying to learn how to play the guitar, and like all my past declarations of becoming amazing at something that I’ve just started to learn, I’ve completely given up on it when I hadn’t mastered it after the first class.

I was sad for like a minute until I realized, after several glasses of wine, where I had failed with the guitar, I would truly excel at with the… Ukulele!!

Two days later my Amazon box was delivered and I was once again a musical prodigy.

However, Orko had other opinions… harsh opinions.

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Why? Why is she doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this?!?

It got worse later in the night…

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Just kill me, it doesn’t even have to be swift, just end my suffering.

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Per Hubby, our marriage is cured, but I still need some work…

Posted on August 3, 2017 by

Me: Don’t forget, couples counseling tomorrow at 5.

Hubby: Oh ya, I don’t think I’m going to go to those for a while.

Me:… Oh… My… God… is this your way of saying you’re divorcing me!? CAUSE NOT COOL, I MEAN WINE A GIRL UP FIRST OR SOMETHING!!!

Hubby: Easy there crazy, I meant I think we’re doing pretty good and I don’t really have anything to say to her anymore… but maybe you should keep going… because… well… you know…

Me: Why did you just make a hand gesture over me when you said that?

Hubby: Because…

Me: You just did it again, but with both hands. That does not make me feel any better!!!

Hubby: Well now you have something to discuss in your first one on one therapy session.

Me: …dude…

p.s. I did go on my own and it was AWESOME, even better then couples, as I got to do ALL the talking, and at no point was I interrupted by Hubby screaming at me, like he did at last weeks session; “BABE, SHE ASKED HOW’S YOUR POSITION AT WORK! NOT THAT!! GOOD LORD WOMAN, T.M.I. !!!”.

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BOOBS!!!… that is all.

Posted on August 1, 2017 by

Hubby: BABE!?

Me: sup?

Hubby: Why is there a post it note on the fridge with the word boobs in bold and highlighted?

Me: To remind me.

Hubby: That you have boobs?

Me: No, that’s just silly.  I haven’t needed a reminder that I have boobs since 6th grade when I developed like LITERALLY overnight and the mean girls made poor Brian Cooper go up to me outside school, while we were waiting for the bus, and ask me if I stuffed my bra. And because I was really pissed off with everyone whispering behind my back about that, I decided to put a stop to it and yelled, “NO, I’M NOT EVEN WEARING A BRA!” and then I pulled my shirt up and flashed him and half the school. He was so horrified he turned around and ran straight into a street sign, he ended up having a mild concussion. Not bad for my boys first showing, AND no one ever teased me about stuffing my bra after that day!

Hubby:..

Me: What?

Hubby: Wow, and back to the post it?

Me: Oh, ya, it’s a reminder to make an appointment for a booby scan.  Gotta keep my boys safe.

Hubby: And you call them boys because?

Me: Well they get in way more trouble then girls would.

Hubby: Sure,  it’s THEM causing the trouble… make the appointment now I’m taking down the post it, it’s distracting me from the reason I opened the fridge.

Me: Well you’re holding a cereal box so I’m guessing you were going in for milk, if anything my post it note should have helped you remember that!

Hubby:  And there’s the imagery… I’m just gonna have some toast.

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