My cat used to be cool. She would sleep at the foot of the bed until I got up; proceed to do some kitty yoga stretches and slowly follow me to the kitchen, patiently waiting at her cat bowl for food. Those were the good old days. Now my cat is evil and diabolical. She believes that if she’s up I should be up and feeding her and she has developed ways of making this happen. I bet she’s even named it Operation Get Lazy Ass Up .
It starts basic; she sits by my head, usually on my hair, each morning waiting for the slightest movement to show I may be close to waking up. The second she sees it she attacks. MEOW, MEOW, MMEEOOWWW! Right in my ear and then quickly jumps back to avoid any possible flying missile counter attack I launch at her, calm down people I mean pillows.
Next step, paw to face. This may seem simple but she’s good, she aims strategically. Optimal hit spot one is nose, the cutting off of air flow causes me to open my mouth which makes optimal hit spot two available, she stick her paw in my mouth. People I am NOT making this crap up, it has happened and that gritty kitty litter taste takes 5 minutes of brushing and a life time of gargling to get out.
If paw to face strategy is not working she ups the ante and goes after those that are close and important to me. This includes my iphone and glasses, that are lying next to my head. The iphone is the first to go. This doesn’t always wake me up as there’s usually a pile of dirty laundry to cushion its fall. So next up are the glasses, oh but she doesn’t push them off… she eats them. Nothing wakes you up faster than the chomp, chomp, chomp of $200 lenses being destroyed.
Now if none of these are working she goes to Death Com 1, this is only used in extreme circumstances as it’s SO deplorable and could actual result in physical harm, to her, not me.
She hovers… not with her face…
She will back up to my face and slowly lower her toosh just hovering enough for me to feel her presence and open my eyes to the brown eye moon. I KNOW!!! HOW WRONG IS THAT?!?! How does a cat even know how to do that? Who taught her this??!! By then I’m up, once you’ve seen that there is NO WAY you are closing your eyes EVER again.