It was a beautiful day, the sun was out, my car windows were down and the radio was blaring as I drove to pick my hubby up from work. I was sitting happily at a stop sign, belting out a little REM, when the “incedent” occured.
A huge, most likely high, man walked out into the middle of on-coming traffic. A tiny woman in a huge suv quickly hit the brakes to stop from hitting this complete moron, bringing her car to a halt with a screech. For whatever reason, this screeching noise brought the stoned gorilla out of his delirium and he looked up at her. He then went crazy, scratch that he was obviously already crazy how about he went to a new level of crazy, ape shit crazy. He raised his arms and started yelling at the tiny lady, pointing to her, then to him, and then back to her. Then gorilla man started walking around the front of the suv towards terrified tiny woman’s open window.
I had been watching this all in a shocked haze but now realized that this was getting serious. And when things start getting serious you have to ask yourself… “What Would Chuck Norris Do”?
Before I had time to really ponder this, a voice yelled out, “HEY DUMB ASS! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? YOU’RE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET, AND LOOK DOWN EINSTEIN THERE’S NO FUCKING CROSSWALK… SO MOVE!!!”
…Wow… I was impressed… then horrified… that had been me yelling. “Shit”, crazy gorilla man was now looking at me and walking away from the extremely relieved looking suv woman and towards still kinda in shock me, “SHIT”. Ok Chuck Norris now what, and people I swear to god (or Chuck Norris, whatever you believe in) but that’s when the angels sang and a single ray of light came down on to my side dash pocket and to my pepper spray sitting inside. I closed my hand around the canister flicked the safety off and looked up at crazy high gorilla man.
By this time he had finished crossing the street and was now walking towards my car, but then he stopped, stared at me, and then turned around and walked away. I would like to think he had sensed the power of the Norris surrounded me, but in all honesty I think it was the scary crazy bitch smile on my face. Not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed he walked away, I’m usually a very mellow, peace-loving lady, but at that moment I had really wanted to let the pepper spray fly.
Because you know that’s what Chuck Norris would have done.