My buddy Rich was quickly approaching another monumental birthday and I was seriously stuck trying to find the awesomest birthday gift ever. But finally after HOURS of Google searching, crying, hair pulling, and wailing… I FOUND IT. It was so simply perfect, I hit myself for not thinking of it earlier and saving myself all this pain (I did actually hit myself, palm slap to the forehead, knocked myself right out of my chair, left an impressive half hand print that took 2 hours to fade).
So what did I find? Beer of the Month Membership!!! AWESOME!!! You have no idea how much my buddy Rich LOVES beer, I mean really LOVES beer, like almost inappropriately LOVES beer… if you get where I’m going. So I read about all the wonderful amazing beers they offer, delivered right to his doorstep every month by happy smiling German girls in lederhosens… ok maybe not but I could let the boy dream. I grabbed my Visa and went to the checkout section and… $260 for 6 months… ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! I hear beer can be known as liquid gold but COME ON!! Even if they promised there were scantily clad large chested frauleins promising happy endings upon beer delivery I still wouldn’t pay that amount, Rich may, BUT I’M NOT!!
I’m now extremely depressed. I had found the perfect gift and it had been ripped away from me by Capitalist Beer Brewer Pigs!!! But wait… I don’t need them… I CAN MAKE MY OWN AWESOME BEER CLUB!!! It would be seriously cheaper, average $6 per 6/pack per month for 6 months… hold on taking off my shoes… that’s only $36!! HA!!! Kiss my brilliant ass you greedy basturds! (yes I misspelled that on purpose, I’m being funny).
I quickly began creating my AWESOME membership card. It ofcourse had to be AWESOME, plus pretty, plus AWESOME… ok… DONE!
By the way, when you Google image search the words Unicorn and Beer together you get the above awesomest picture ever! I’m not even gonna try to say I created that, but whoever did draw it must be my sibling separated at birth because it’s just SO AWESOME and SO ME!
I also had to create the butt covering legal wording (aka Serious Stuff) for the back of the card to protect me against any awesomely dumb things Rich did while drinking my beer of the month… ok… DONE!
Serious Stuff: Monthly selection will be selected on pretty, pretty label rather than taste. Card holder cannot complain about beer selection as it’s a gift… and that would be rude. If complaint is heard first person to yell “WHINER” gets to take one beer from that month’s beer pack (see serious stuff). Card holder may make a friendly suggestion of the next month’s beer selection, as long as its label is pretty. Card holder is not required to drink all of that month’s beer in the corresponding month… but what are you a pansy? Card holder may give a beer month selection as a re-gift, but don’t let beer monthly representative know, she’s moody. Mona’s Awesome Beer of the Month cannot be held blameful for any of the following results and/or conditions from the drinking of the monthly beer: beer goggles, porcelain god worshipping, public urination, speaking in tongues, cockblocking, bloating, Elaine like dancing, development of a “beer belly”, singing…badly, and crying like a baby, a hungry, angry baby.
… for those of you that caught the Serenity quote at the end, give yourself a well deserved pat on the back, for the rest of you… HOW HAVE YOU NOT MEMORIZED EVERY WORD OF THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
So there you go everyone, the AWESOMEST BIRTHDAY GIFT ever! Feel free to steal, I would be honored.