I have an amazing friend… to protect her identity let’s call her … Cheri. So Cheri is AMAZING, funny, hot, kick ass to be around, and president of my wine club, a perfect friend for me. BUT like all amazing girls, Cheri has crappy taste in men. And the last guy she was with was the crappiest of them all… let’s call him Douche Boy, DB for short.
So DB owns a wine café and Cheri being her amazing self suggests that she hold a wine tasting at his café, Cheri’s wine club brings in some serious dough to the hosting spots . DB LOVES this idea because it ties together the 3 things he loves most, wine, money, and hearing himself talk. Now there are many reasons why this wine tasting went horribly, horribly, wrong but I believe it can be narrowed down to Five Mistakes.
Mistake #1 – I, being a loyal friend and lover of the drinky, signed up for this tasting.
Mistake #2 – DB decides we will be tasting some of his favorite wines, and since DB really likes wine this means we’ll be tasting 3 different wines from 4 different regions… that’s 12 wines… ya 12 and DB isn’t pouring tastings, he’s pouring glasses of wine.
Mistake #3 – DB has no intention of letting us enjoy the wine. Now in case some of you haven’t been to a wine tasting let me give you a quick Wine Tasting 101.
1. The wine is poured
2. Wine person tells you a SHORT quip about the wine
3. You drink the wine
4. Everyone talks about the wine… and repeat.
Got it? Good. Simple right? Not for DB. He mastered #1, trust me that boy could pour, but he could NOT get past #2.
He talked for 20 minutes about the color of the first wine, just the color, everyone was waiting for him to say “Ok now drink, enjoy and discuss amongs yourselves.” DB never said this, he just kept going on and on and on, so by the time he finally told us to fully appreciate the granite undertone and take a sip, I was done, not with him… well ya with him… but I was also done with my first 3 glasses. DB looked over at me;
DB -“did you not get a pour?”
Me -“I did… I drank them… they were delicious”.
Everyone else quickly took this as a sign and downed their glasses. DB looks disturbed by this,
DB -“did you get the granite undertone from tasting 1?”
Me – “…ah no, …no rocky in 1”,
This gets a snicker from the far side of the room that DB doesn’t appreciate, but to be fair we all just slammed back 3 glasses of wine and we’re feeling pretty good.
DB -“How could you drink tasting 2 and 3 when I haven’t told you about them?!”
Me -“um… kind of easily, I liked 1, was ok with 2, but did not like 3”.
DB is about to give me a talking too, I could tell, when Cheri suggests he start the pouring of round 2, he begrudgingly agrees but gives me a dirty look, I smile back at him because that’s the way I was brought up, smartassy :).
I’m hoping that DB will now realize that he needs to trim the fat in his pearls of wisdoms and give up on the llllooonnnngggg lecture… but no, no he doesn’t, if anything now he’s more determined than ever to make us listen to him and only drink when he says we can.
Mistake #4 – Two hours later and thankfully at the final round of tastings the group has worked out an ingenious method of finding a way to drink the wine without getting caught and given the stinky eye by Mr. Wine Snooty Pants (oh ya his name got changed after the 8th glass of wine). How it worked is someone would ask Mr. Wine Snooty Pants a question and while his attention was on them the half of the room behind him would down their glasses. That side of the room would then repay the kindness of the question asking side by then raising their hands with a question so the other side could drink. This was BRILLIANT, and I’m proud to say my idea.
But now the problem is we’ve all had our 12 glasses of wine and we want to talk, go home, go pee, or just fall over. But this is NOT allowed by Mr. You Are All Lowly Wine Drinkers And Can Not Possibly Appreciate Wine The Way I Do … oh look at that, his name changed again. So I decide that since I started the BRILLIANT wine drinking method, I should be the one to get the talky on, and the leaving, and bladder relieving, and falling over (which I had done early, who has four foot bar stools at a tasting!), so I turned my back on Mr… what’s his name now? Oh forget it lets just go back to DB. SO I turn my back on DB and start talking to my gal pal Cheri.
But I’ve only just asked her if we can get Taco Bell after this when I hear a strange noise… kind of like the sound a tire makes when it has a leak.
Me -“Cheri is someone leaking? How embarrassing.”
Cheri who is still trying to focus on my face shakes her head no and points behind me. I turn around to see DB standing there with one finger pointed at me and the other pressed up to his lips.
Mistake #5 – DB was shushing me! The entire wine group gasps, they know me pretty well, and a couple people scoot their stools around to get a better view of the show. I was still attempting to grasp on to the idiocy of his move. I turn to Cheri,
Me -“Is Douche Boy shushing me?!”
The outraged squeal from behind alerts me to the fact that I’ve just told DB his full name. At this point Cheri is focused and up and moving.
Cheri -“Well everyone it’s been a great night and I want to thank all of you for coming to this tasting and let’s give Douch… DONALD a big hand for hosting this amazing tasting.” Before I could thank DB properly Cheri had me coated and out the door.
As we walked to Taco Bell I hooked my arm in Cheris.
Me -“That was fun, when are we doing that again?”
Cheri didn’t answer but I could see her smiling and DB was gone by the following week. The wine gods work in mysterious ways.