Have you ever been told a story that you really weren’t paying any attention to? Usually because something else was on your mind, the story was just too boring, or (like me) you were too busy wondering where the hell the waiter was with your drink? Well I almost missed the funniest story EVER, because of a damn delinquent waiter.
It happened a couple of days ago when Cheri and I met up for happy hour after work. She was talking about something or other; I wasn’t paying attention, because like I said, my damn aussie waiter had gone MIA bringing me back my drink. But I was getting snatches of what she was saying as I frantically searched the crowded room for that man whose Australian accent, which had been so sexy 10 minutes ago, was now making me fear he may have actually gone to Australia to get my drink.
Cheri kept telling her story oblivious to my total lack of interest, “So she texted me blah blah blah bad weekend blah blah blah Chlamydia blah blah blah.”
Now there are certain words in the English language that will always catch your attention, no matter how distracted you are, and Chlamydia is definitely one of those words.
“WHAT!” I yelled, and then whispered, “you have Chlamydia?!?”
“No!!” Cheri cried, “Not me, Sarah.”
I gasped, “Sarah has Chlamydia?!?”
“No”, Cheri was starting to look pissed, “Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying!?!”
That awkward moment was thankfully diverted when Crocodile ‘Where The Hell Have You Been’ Dundee showed up with my drink. I gave him my most winning smile, which on the top layer says “You’re a doll and I love you” but on the bottom says “If you’re ever late with my drink again I’ll bust your knee caps”.
“OK”, I said sipping my drink. “Start over cause I think I missed some crucial points of your fantastic story”.
Cheri gave me a look that said, ‘Ya, you’re a big fat liar’ but she continued. “What happened was last week I got a text from Sarah saying that her week was going awful and to top it all off her gynecologist contacted her saying there were abnormalities in her last pap exam.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “pphhhtt, I always have abnormal pap exams, I don’t think I’ve ever had a normal one, I don’t think there is such a thing, I think it’s like some gynocology myth.”
Cheri rolled her eyes, “May I continue?”
“Sorry”, I said taking another sip of my delicious drink, “please continue.”
“So of course Sarah is very nervous and texted me that they think it may be the Big C.”
“Wow” I said, with Chlamydia on the mind, “that totally sucks, so what did you say?”
“I texted her back and asked if she had told Roger.”
I nodded my head, Roger and Sarah had only been dating for a couple weeks but it made sense he should be told of the possibility of the impending doom.
“But” Cheri continued “she texted back, ‘No, Why?’.”
“No Why?!?” I exclaimed “um I’m sorry, I’m not really up to date on my STDs but Chlamydia is spreadable right??”
Cheri rolled her eyes and nodded her head, “ya, so I texted back that I thought he had a right to know, and it took her like 20 minutes to reply and she texted she would talk to him about it when she had more details.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “um ok, I guess I get that. No need to freak him out unless she’s sure about it.”
Cheri nodded her head, “So last Thursday I talked to her when we all met up for that wine tasting down on Burnside.”
I interrupted Cheri, “OH that was a really good wine tasting, what was the name of the sparkling wine that kept making me sneeze? OH it was SO good!! I totally want to buy some of that and I don’t think it was the wine itself that made me sneeze but the bubbles, I can never handle those little bubbles going up my nose and I..”
“MONA,” Cheri yelled, “Focus, I’m not done with the story.”
“Oh right… sorry, please continue.”
Cheri once again rolled her eyes (which I’ve noticed she does a lot around me) and continued her story, “Well we’d all had a couple glasses, so I felt I could approach the subject. I asked her if she had heard anything more from the doctor. And she said she had gone in and they were running some test and would let her now the results soon.”
Cheri paused and started smiling. “What?” I asked, she just shook her head and continued. “So then I asked her if they had given her any antibiotics, because I thought even if they weren’t 100% sure it was Chlamydia, they could still start the fight against it.”
“That makes sense”, I agreed.
Cheri nods her head, “Ya, but Sarah looked at me like I had lost my mind and then leaned really close to me and said ’Cheri, honey, … there is no antibiotic for Cancer’.”
I snorted my gin and tonic and was laughing/coughing so hard that I thought I was going to die and I didn’t really care because that was the funniest sentence I had just heard in my entire life.
I tried to pull myself together as I was blowing most of my gin and tonic out of my nose. “Ok honey, let me get this straight, she never said she had Chlamydia?”
“NO”, Cheri exclaimed, “Remember she texted that she might have the Big C!”
I once again burst out laughing “and your first thought was Chlamydia?!?!”
Cheri looked at me hurt, “you did too!”
I screamed with laughter, “Only because you started the conversation with it!” I’m wiping away tears, “ok wait, wait, wait, this is still serious. So does Sarah have Cancer?”
Cheri was quite for a second… “no”.
I was at once relieved and free to laugh even harder at Cheri, “Did you tell her that you thought she had Chlamydia?”
“Well of course I did” Cheri explained, “I had to, because when she said Cancer I started laughing too and she looked at me like I was the biggest bitch in the world.”
I’m dying with laughter now and aussie waiter boy has come over to ask us to maybe keep it down a little, apparently snorting gin and tonic and screaming the word Chlamydia is poo pood in restaurants. I reply I would be happy to “keep it down” if I had another drink and BAM in the next 90 seconds I did. Lesson learned people, smiling will only get you so far but blackmail will get you the rest.
“Ok” I say, now composed, “So what did she say when you told her you had thought Big C meant Chlamydia?”
Cheri laughed, “Thankfully she laughed too and said how now my previous text made total sense about telling Roger. But then she got kind of serious and asked me why did I think she would get Chlamydia?”
“Oh Uh”, I said “What did you say?”
Cheri smiled “Luckily I didn’t have to say anything because you started your crazy sneezing tirade and the whole conversation was forgotten.”
“HA!” I said, “Trust me to come to the comedic rescue!”
“Ya” Cheri said, “I always do”.