Me: I’m Fat

Hubby: No you’re not, you’re gorgeous.

Me: Oh honey that’s sweet, but you don’t know the truth.

Hubby:  Babe you’re perfect, you don’t need to lose a pound… what truth?

Me: *sigh* Alright I didn’t want to have to do this to you… to us, but I need you to be on board with the fact that I’m a big ole fatty mcfatten and you need to support my efforts to lose… THIS!

Hubby: … what is that?

Me: That is my tubby tummy.

Hubby: … It looks like you swallowed a watermelon, you’re just pushing that out.

Me: Nope, I’m just not sucking it in anymore.

Hubby: You suck it in around me? We’ve been together for 15 years.  There’s no way you’ve been sucking it in for that long.

Me:  Sorry honey, but it’s time for total honesty in our marriage.

Hubby: How long have you had that?

Me: Since the beginning babe, since the beginning. But I have to admit it’s gotten a little bigger lately.

Hubby: a little!? It’s like they based Buddha off of you.

Me: OK, now you’re just being hurtful.

Hubby: Well I’m sorry you just sprung this on me, literally.

Me: I did this so you would agree I need to lose weight and encourage me!

Hubby: Ya sure whatever you need I’m there for you, maybe we should go to a doctor to have you checked out.

Me: Wow… really?  Do you think we should?

Hubby: I want it x-rayed, we shouldn’t rule out the fact you could have a watermelon growing in there.

Me: … you’re an ass.

Hubby: NO Seriously! Remember that guy we saw on TV who sniffed in a seed and a tree started growing in his lungs! That could be you, except a watermelon in your belly!

Me: I’m going for a run, by the time I get back you should have flowers waiting for me … and something sparkly.

I got a bad feeling this is gonna be in my Christmas stocking