Me: AH COME ON! It’s really funny, but sweet cause it shows what a good person you are.
Michelle: No, my husband doesn’t even know how much I’ve spent. He’ll kill me.
Me: He doesn’t read my blog, PLEASE!
Michelle: … ok, BUT only if you first tell everyone the story about CIA Cat’s constipation.
Me: Dude, that’s a gross story and kinda makes me and Hubby look like really bad people.
Michelle: That’s the deal.
Me: *sigh* ok.
It all happened 3 years ago. I had noticed that CIA Cat wasn’t looking too good.
Me: Babe, have you noticed that CIA Cat is really lethargic?
Hubby: She’s a cat, that’s what they do.
Me: No this is more than normal and she’s not eating all of her food in one swallow, in fact she hasn’t even finished what I gave her this morning.
Hubby: Ok that’s weird.
Me: Plus, have you been cleaning the litter box?
Hubby: I’ll do it tomorrow.
Hubby: Fine I’ll do it now.
Me: No, you don’t get it. I had hoped you’d been cleaning it cause there’s no poop in it and I haven’t scooped any out for like weeks.
Hubby: What does that mean.
Me: It means our cat, who has been known to lay down a log that would put Fat Bastard to shame, is not pooping and hasn’t been for a while. I’m taking her to the vet.
Vet: So how long has it been since she’s had a bowel movement?
Me: um… 1… 2… maybe 3 weeks?
Vet: (disapproving stare) and you didn’t think this might be a problem.
Me: um I was taking it as a gift. Kinda her way of saying take a little time off, you deserve it.
Vet: She’s a cat, she’s not that intelligent.
Me: Ha, you don’t know my cat.
Vet: Have you ever noticed that your cat has exceptionally large droppings?
Me: Oh Ya! She poos like a human.
Vet: … ya… cats arent’ supposed to “poo like a human”, she has a defect called Megacolon which she’s probably had all her life.
Me:… oh… our bad.
Me: You mean poo?
Vet: Ya poo. And it’s that color because it’s a solid mass making it impossible for her to pass on her own.
Me: Oh, so how do we get it out?
Vet: We’ll have to put her under and manually remove it.
Me: Oh My God, like surgery?
Vet: No, I’ll remove it with a scooping device and my finger.
Me: … oh…
Vet: The procedure, including the anaesthesia, will cost around $900.
Me: … oh… I’m gonna need to call my Hubby, excuse me.
Hubby: So how’s our girl?
Me: Ok, so basically cats aren’t supposed to poo like humans, ours has a bad condition called Megacolin, which is not as cool as it sounds, her entire body is filled up with old, hard poo and we have to pay the vet $900 to stick his finger up her butt and remove it.
Hubby: She’s like what 13 years old? She’s lived a good life.
Me: BABE! We are not putting our cat down cause she’s constipated!!
Me: Don’t say it like that!
Hubby: I’m pretty sure that’s how CIA Cat will see it.
Me: No, she’ll be knocked out. I think that’s why it’s so expensive.
Hubby: Will they do it without the gas?
Me: Babe, I would rather put her down then make her go through that without being unconscious!
Hubby: *sigh* fine, ok let’s do it. But how do we know this wont happen again?
Me: Oh there’s a prescription powder they’ll give us to put in her food. It will make it so her poo is soft and easy for her to push out. It’s called… um… GoLightly. And we need to keep a journal and calendar of her bowel movements.
Hubby: Of course we do.
So there you go everyone, 3 years later and CIA Cat is pooing like a cat should, stay tuned for the chicken story.