I don’t know why everything about my walk this morning sucked, it’s usually a very happy and enjoyable start to my day.
1. Neighbors Dog – I love it when he runs along side me yapping and jumping on his hind legs (I taught him that). But today his yaps were like a knife stabbing me repeatedly in the brain, and I’m not proud of some of the thoughts that came to mind to get him to stop…
2. Cafe on the Corner – What the hell died in your kitchen!? I always look forward to walking by this cafe, sniffing in all the yummy aromas that float out the door. But something is f’d up in that kitchen, cooking bacon should not smell like that. I should know it’s my all time favorite smell, seriously I have bacon soap (it was a gift).
3. Walk Signs – What the hell?! I’d barely staggered 2 feet when the sign started flashing the count down to my impending doom. Is this Portland’s way of preparing for the inevitable zombie attack? Shorter walk lights to increase our cardio. Not cool Portland, not cool. I’ve had a zombie contingency plan on standby way before you guys jumped on the bandwagon.
4. Bicycle Dude – Honking your horn behind me, which not only scared the bajisus out of me, but made my small nagging headache a HUGE throbbing headache. Really? REALLY!? First off, I’m on the sidewalk and you’re on the road, there is no chance we’re going to collide. And second, who the hell has a horn on their bike besides 4 year olds and clowns?
5. Cigar Dude – It’s 7am, your smoking a cigar and then blow the smoke in my face when I walk by… you’re a douche. I would say more but you were so pleased with yourself that you didn’t see the edge of the sidewalk in front of you. Yes that was me laughing like a hyena when you fell, it made my headache worse but it was worth it.
p.s. Karma’s a Bitch
6. Ladies in the elevator – The fact that I got off on my floor without killing every single one of you, showed amazing restraint on my part:
Ladies, perfume should be dabbed on not bathed in.
No, not everyone wants to hear about the “asshole” you went out with last night, and by just the 1 minute I’ve spent with you, I think he was totally in the right to dine and dash on you.
Yes, I could just die over your new purse, not the purse but how much you paid for it. Seriously use that cash for something useful, like a personality.
And finally No, those skinny jeans don’t make you look fat, but your pudgy friend that you keep making say this to you is secretly planning your murder… you’ve been warned.
See!?! That morning walk sucked! And the fact that I had a hangover, that could have brought an elephant to its knees and killed a lesser man, had nothing to do with it!