Once again I have completed the awesomely, amazing Portland to Coast Relay. It’s a 2 day relay covering over 160 miles involving 2 vans and 6 girls in each van. I do this every year with the lovely ladies of my office and every year we came back with some great stories. This year however was different… we came back with MIND BLOWING, AWE INSPIRING, HOLY SHIT Stories, all of which I will share this week.
Story #1 – Blaming it on the Fracking Apple.
It was day 2 of our amazing race and I was walking my longest leg, 8.9 miles along a country roadside at 5am. When I had started the walk I had still pretty much been asleep, but after an hour of walking I was up and, per my grumbly tummy, hungry. So I texted my faithful van ladies and requested that at the next stop one of them run me over an apple… how was I to know that this simple request would start a chain reaction that would almost end in DOOM for our van.
Ok so granted I wasn’t there when this happened, but from the stories I’ve heard from the girls, and my wild imagination, I believe this is how it went down.
Ashley: Got a text from Mona, she wants an apple. She says it’s in her bag, has anyone seen her bag?
Michelle: It’s back here, let’s see… apple, apple, where’s the apple… um why did Mona pack a rubber duck?
Ashley: It’s usually better not to ask.
Michelle: ok… apple, ah found it! Heads up.
Ashley: wha…AAAAHHHH! Don’t throw it!
Kim: What the hell just hit me? Seriously ladies don’t frak with the driver!
Michelle: Sorry, didn’t know Ashley was lacking basic reflex skills.
Ashley: Oh nice, where’d it go?
Kim: Where’d what go?
Michelle: Mona’s apple.
Kim: Is that what hit me? Ok, I’m pulling over. It’s like driving with six-year o…. SHIT I CAN’T STOP! HOLD ON!!
Lynn: (waking up from the back) *yawn* Are we there?
Michelle: (pushing her self back up from the downward facing dog position, seriously people wear seatbelts, they save lives and inappropriate yoga positions.) What happened?
Kim: The brake pedal wouldn’t go down (reaching below the dash)… an apple… an apple was stuck under the pedal… We almost died because you two were HORSING AROUND!
Michelle: Technically, we almost died because Ashley can’t catch worth beans.
Ashely: NO! We almost died because Michelle couldn’t just HAND ME Mona’s apple!
Lynn: Why does Mona need an apple? She’s not even in the van.
. . .
Ashley, Kim, & Michelle: THIS IS ALL MONA’S FAULT!!
So fast forward to poor, innocent me walking up the road. I could see our van parked in a field next to the road and because of the lack of sleep and hunger really didn’t think anything of it, until Lynn came running up to me.
Lynn: Hey sweety, you’re doing great!
Me: Aaawww thanks Lynn, I’m feeling pretty good.
Lynn: Well good, so just so you know the van is high centered.
Lynn: But it’s okay because we’ve called AAA and they’ll be here in 20 minutes.
Me: But I …
Lynn: And you still have 5 more miles to walk so we’ll probably be out and at the exchange point with plenty of time.
Me: Are you…
Lynn: Oh I almost forgot, here’s your apple. Sorry it’s a little bruised… it’s had an adventure.
Me: Ok, I…
Lynn: Alright well have a good walk and don’t worry about us, we’ll be out in no time, there’s really only 1 tire not touching the ground.
Me: Oh… ok… yay?
Lynn: Okay, keep up the good pace sweety, bye!
Me: … ok… thanks.
And true to her word AAA had them up and out in no time and at the exchange point waiting for me… where Kim, Ashley, and Michelle were quick to retell the story pointing out how all of it was my fault… ya gotta love my van.