Well Crap

Hubby and I were both raised Catholic, which means neither of us has any desire to go to church now that we’re on our own and away from our families.  But I’m beginning to think that God is sending “subtle” hints that Sundays will be plagued with mini disasters until we do.

Example #1 – “God stop showing people my panties”

Naturally CIA Cat is working with God to ruin my Sundays and proved this by shoving her whiskers up my nose at 6:00am in an attempt to get me up… it worked.  But joke on her as we were out of cat food.  HA… Oh… no… joke on me, instead of feeding her and going back to bed, I now have to go to the grocery store… Joy.

So now at the grocery store with the other heathens… got to admit we’re not a good looking group.  Tall skinny guy talking to the cucumbers about the weather in Chile, lady in pjs, robe, and bunny slippers grasping onto a bag of coffee grounds like it’s the last bag in the world, and grandma with a full head of curlers using her powered chair to run over my foot as many times as possible while we both go after the last cans of Happy Cat pate. HA! She didn’t have a chance. What!? There was a sale! 10 for $1!!

So I grabbed some other necessities and headed back home.  As pulled into the garage I actually thought I was in the clear and would be back in my bed in 10 minutes… wrong.

With my arms full of grocery bags I slammed the trunk shut and turned to walk away… but I couldn’t… why not?  I had shut my skirt in the trunk… oh it gets better… when I realized this I dropped my keys in surprise… ya.  So while still grasping my 100 cans of cat food I attempted to kneel down to get my keys, causing my skirt to ride up, I jumped back up.  I stood there for a minute… ok Option 1 is to just quickly kneel down, with skirt up around head, and grab keys… or Option 2 wait for someone to pull in the garage to help… at 6am on a Sunday… crap.  So I decided on Option 1. Naturally right when I knelt down enough to show the world my lady parts I heard it.

“*cough*… um… do you need help?”

I began praying that was an extremely husky woman’s voice.  I turned around… it wasn’t.

“ha ha… hello sir… ya… So I seemed to have locked my skirt in the trunk and my keys are right down there… Could you help me out?”

Bad Timing Dude: of the skirt?
Me: …
Bad Timing Dude: sorry you’re probably not in a joking mood huh?
Me: No… not right now.
Bad Timing Dude: okay, here ya go
Me: thanks
Bad Timing Dude: need anyth…
Me: NO… thank you.

I made it to my apartment and quickly checked to see what undies I was wearing.  What!? You would have done the same thing! I mean ya gotta see what he saw!!  Good news, it was my pretty flower undies… Bad news, my pretty flower undies are see-thru lace… ha ha God… ha ha.

AMEN!

Okay so you’re probably thinking this was bad but not God inflected right… well I’m not done.

Example #2 – “What’s better than a cup of boiling coffee in your lap? TWO CUPS!”

Hubby woke a couple of hours later to the wonderous smell of bacon, my secret weapon to get him out of bed. 

Hubby: mmmmmmm bacon.

Me: I know right?!? That’s the way to wake up… not with whiskers up the nose and basic instinct moments.

Hubby: huh?

Me: *sigh* I’ll tell you after coffee.

Hubby: Why is it so hot in here?

Me: It’s 100 outside and I’m baking bacon in here… oh and we’re heathens so this is God preparing us for the end.

Hubby: huh?

Me: Ignore me.

Hubby: Done.  I’m turning on the air conditioner.

Now to do this hubby has to stand on the couch and lean over to the unit.  Usually this is easy and done quickly… but lets not forget CIA Cat is on a mission from God.  Hubby came off the couch on her tail causing her to scream like a banshee causing Hubby to jump sideways taking me out and the two cups of coffee I was caring.

Hubby: (face down on the floor) GEEZ!! You okay babe? Did the coffee spill on the couch.

Me: … no *whimper*

Hubby: That’s good. (looking over at me) oh babe.

I am, of course, covered with hot coffee… can’t get any worse you think… wait for it.  As I attempt to get up I grab the book-case, causing that piece of crap bookend to topple, sending all the books on my head… hardbacks.

Lets just say at that moment the lords name was said many times in our house, probably not the way it’s used in church but he’s just gonna have to settle with that.

Wow... thanks?