“I’m dying!”, I declared as a threw myself onto the couch next to Hubby.
Hubby continued playing his multi-player X-Box game, “oh, that’s too bad… MIKE WATCH YOUR FLANK!”.
Me: Babe! Would you please take the headset off so I can tell you how I’m dying?
Hubby: … TERRY ON YOUR RIGHT! YOUR OTHER RIGHT!! AAARRRGGGHHH, YOU GUYS ARE KILLING ME!
Hubby: WHAT?… oh right, you’re dying. How?
Me: I poisoned myself.
Hubby: oh well that’s… WHAT?
Me: Oh no, it’s no big deal, please continue with your game. Don’t let my horrifyingly, painful death get in your way.
Hubby: Babe! How did you poison yourself?! MARK, I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
Hubby:… you’re gonna have to give me more. JESUS YOU GUYS JUST PLAY THE NEXT ONE WITHOUT ME! WHAT?! NO SHE HASN’T TOLD ME WHAT POISONED HER!
Hubby: SHE SAYS TUNA… I DON’T KNOW! How did tuna poison you… wait, we don’t even have tuna.
Me: Yes we do, remember I bought that case of canned tuna at Costco last week.
Hubby: Was it a bad batch? Did it smell bad? Look funny?
Me: No, No, No.
Hubby: … then how do you know you’ve been poisoned.
Me: because I ate all of it.
Hubby: … Ok I’m going back to my game. GUYS I’M BACK! NO SHE’S FINE JUST ATE TOO MUCH!… YA I KNOW, WELCOME TO MY WORLD!
Hubby: Hon, eating too much tuna is not gonna kill you… WHAT?! I DON’T KNOW! Terry wants to know how much you ate.
Me: This week?… 10 cans.
Hubby: Babe, why did you eat that much? SHE SAID 10 CANS!
Me: Because I’m doing that new protein diet and eating canned tuna is so much easier than cooking chicken and stuff. But yesterday when I was eating a can at work Tif asked if I was worried about mercury poisoning.
Hubby: What’s mercury poisoning? WHAT? OH! Mike says that’s serious.
Me: HELLO!? That’s what I’ve been saying! Oh but Mike from Oklahoma said it, so NOW you pay attention!
Hubby: Mike’s from Nevada. Mark’s from Oklahoma, so ya gonna tell me or what?
Me: Fine, apparently if you eat too much fish you can get mercury poisoning. So I went online and found a mercury calculator that told you how much was a safe quantity to eat.
Me: It said you should only eat 2 cans a week, I had 10… I’M DYING!
Hubby: SHE SAID SHE’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE 2 CANS!… WHAT?… OH GOOD! Babe, Mark says you wont die.
Hubby: Ya, he’s Googling. Okay, he says you will have some possible side effect.
Me: Like what?
Hubby: SHE WANTS TO KNOW THE SIDE EFFECTS… UH HUH… UH HUH… HA! THEN SHE MUST HAVE BEEN POISONED SINCE I MET HER!
Me: What?! What’s he saying?
Hubby: He said your skin might get red and itchy and you’ll have moments of unprovoked anger, irritability, restlessness and exaggerated responses to stimulation.
Me: … and you laughed and said I’ve been poisoned since we met? YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS!!
Hubby: Now honey that’s just the mercury talking. OK GUYS LET’S GET BACK TO THE… BABE! What the HELL!?!?
Me: (Holding the unplugged cable to the X-Box) Sorry babe, the mercury made me do it.