He told you to put WHAT on your WHATS!?!?

I have a friend, who sent me an email, that was BRILLIANT!  And I had to share it.  I had originally thought about altering it to make it sound like she and I were having a conversation.  But then I realized I would be like George Lucas screwing with Star Wars for my own personal pleasure… *shudder*…  Fuck That! So here it is, my friends email to me about the horrors of having boobies… well not really, more about the horrors of having a baby… well not really, more about the horrors of dildos… um just read it.

So something happened to me yesterday that made me think of your blog. I will tell you about it, and maybe you will want to blog about it, but if you identify me in any way I will come to Portland and hurt you in ways you didn’t know were possible!

Sometimes when a woman is breastfeeding her milk ducts become clogged. This causes them to engorge and become extremely painful. Now, as a child I always wanted big boobs. As an adult I realize that the pornstar look just isn’t me. And to be honest this engorgement hurt so badly that I spent all night laying in bed crying. I had been doing everything that I was aware of to treat this- hot compresses, gentle massage and pumping or feeding more frequently. Nothing as fun as massaging your breast with a steaming hot compress on it at 2:00 am. Who says motherhood isn’t sexy?

In the morning I made an emergency appointment with my doctor. While he seemed shocked that I was still having this problem, he wasn’t overly concerned. He said that I was doing everything that I could – except, maybe using a vibrator on my breast. “Um, say what?” was my reaction. “You want me to use a vibrator on my breast?” Yep, ladies you read that right. My doctor ordered me to get a vibrator for my breast. I could just envision walking into a local ‘specialty shop’ and saying, “where are your vibrators? I need one for my boob. Really, it’s for my boob!” So, I am going to have to buy a vibrator – Dr.’s orders. Who says breastfeeding can’t be pleasurable? 😉

About But That's For Another Blog

Wifey, Blogger, Cat Slave, New Puppy Mommy, Huge Nerd, and One Hellofafriend! (Seriously, I have references). SHINY!!
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6 Responses to He told you to put WHAT on your WHATS!?!?

  1. kondrey says:

    I died reading this! Hilarious. Doctors tell you to some of the oddest things when breastfeeding. I was told to put Quark cheese (the German version of cottage cheese, but has a texture similar to cream cheese) on my breast, but not the nipple, and cover it with plastic wrap for 20 minutes. Then to wipe with Retterspitz (German all natural cure all for everything from acne to pneumonia to tick bites.) Funny thing is that it actually worked. I kinda felt like a bagel though.

  2. Oh God. I’m laughing and crying. I remember having to pump my breasts and feeling like Bessy the cow. I was a doctoral candidate with this pump on my boob, and my boob squirting milk in a bucket–the picture was just too ridiculous for words.

    Now I see this poor woman vibrating her swollen breast. And our kids will NEVER appreciate any of it–heck they won’t want to hear about any of it! 🙂

  3. hrockwel says:

    Gee – I have absolutely no idea who that is. 😉

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