I was late for work. This usually isn’t a big deal, as I’m often late for work. But this morning I was really, REALLY late for work. I mean late like “I was held hostage in my bathroom by a spider that could jump and wouldn’t let me leave until CIA Cat finally answered my screams, sauntered in and ate the damn thing” late… THAT’S LATE!
To make up for my spider tardiness I was really booking it on my walk to work. And by booking it I mean I was doing an excellent rendition of the Sweden power walkers I saw on the last summer olympics. Don’t laugh, those Sweds really know how to power walk. It’s all about the way you figure eight your hips when you walk that gives you the extra umpf… where was I? oh ya walking to work.
So I was standing at a cross walk waiting for the light to change when I saw him; totally lost asian dude with suitcase on rollers heading towards me. “Shit”, I don’t have time for this! I’m spider held me hostage late! I DO NOT have time to be a good person and give this man directions!! I decided I would just act like I don’t see him and refuse to make eye contact.
Lost Asian Dude: *small bow* squeeze?
Me: *Can’t see you, Can’t see or hear you, lalalalalala*
Lost Asian Dude: so sorry, squeeze?
DAMMIT! He’s polite AND quoting my favorite tv show ‘Iron Chef’. The original not the American remake with that dude that won’t even eat the pepper. What’s that about!? He’s supposed to be the nephew of the original Iron Chef dude and he wont eat a bell pepper in the opening credits, like his uncle, but instead pusses out and eats an apple, WTF?!… where was I? Oh ya squeeze.
Lost Asian Dude: You tell me this address?
He held out a slip of paper that had an address that was not my home address or my work address and since those are the only two addresses I know he was seriously out of luck.
Me: No, sorry!
Ha Ha! I’m free! I can leave with no guilt because I could honestly not help him… except… I do have an iphone… with map questing ability… DAMMIT!
Me: Hold on.
I pulled out my phone and typed in the address. No, I didn’t ask Siri where the location was… Why? Cause Hubby says he’s not paying hundreds of dollars so I can ask my iphone “stupid” questions like: What’s the meaning of life, Will my eye’s really pop out of my head if I sneeze with them open, and How much would I weight on Pluto? Come On Hubby! These are things I need to know!!… where was I? Oh ya directions.
The phone popped up directions that stated we were standing at the address he was looking for.
Me: We’re here!
No Longer Lost Asian Dude: No, no, no
Me: Yes, yes, yes! See, we’re standing on the dot!
He and I both looked down at my phone and then up and around us. Let’s see, to our left there was a mortuary… not really a touristy spot, unless he was dead and I was running way too late to investigate the awesome possibility of him being a zombie. To the right was a dive bar that was closed… also not very touristy or zombish. Straight ahead was an empty parking lot with a big tree in the center and what looked like a part of a bus sticking out from behind it.
Me: What were you hoping to find at this address?
Lost Again Asian Dude: Mt Hood!
Me: Wow, that’s like 100 miles from here… my phone sucks!
Lost and Now Really Confused Asian Dude: No, No, No… BUS to take me to Mt. Hood.
Me: AH HA! FOLLOW ME!
Thrilled to finally figure out where the hell this guy was supposed to be, and now running so late there was absolutely NO time to try to explain to him where the bus was, I sprinted across the street, through the empty parking lot, up to the big tree, and around to the bus parked behind it… the whole time dragging the poor terrified asian man behind me.
Me: TA DA! BUS!
Bus Driver: Going to Mt. Hood?
Me: Yes, he is!
I shoved the still gasping asian man up the bus stairs, wrestled his bag away from him and tossed it to the driver.
Bus Driver: You lucked out sir, I was just about to leave without you!
Me: Ya, ya that’s great, I gotta go! Have Fun BYE BYE!!
I started sprinting across the parking lot when I heard the Asian Dude yell from behind me…
“TANK YOU! YOU ARE A GODDESS!”
Me:… oh… well… sha… it was no big.
I waved to my new best friend and slowly walked to work. No need to rush, Goddesses are totally allowed to be late.