During our afternoon walk the girls and I started talking about shoes, which led to men, which led to uniforms, which led to getting pulled over… still with me?

So we all started sharing our best pulled over stories and surprise surprise, I won.

It was 8 years ago, Hubby and I were living in LA and we had just bought our Audi. Now you have to understand, this was the first NEW car I’d ever owned and we’d only had it for 2 days.

So it was around midnight and I was driving downtown to pick up Hubby from a really late night at the office. I had just got on the the 101, and because there was no one on the freeway, just kinda let the car go.  Suddenly I saw headlights coming up fast behind me and I thought “oh look at this asshole trying to catch up cause he wants to race, what a douche”, then the “douche” turned his police lights on… ya.

At this point I look down at the speedometer and see that I’m going 95 miles an hour… in a 55.

Well I instantly pull over, but then “douche” announces over his loudspeaker that I need to continue to the next exit and pull over at a SAFE location.

Oh great, I think, now I’ve probably really pissed him off for pulling over at an unsafe location after going 40 miles over the speed limit.  I take the off ramp and pull over at a gas station right on the corner.

Officer Douche walkes up to my drivers side window and shines a flashlight in my face… rude, but I’m gonna let it go.

Me: Hello officer sir. (politeness always a good thing)

Officer D: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I was speeding… a little.

Officer D: … Where are you heading to?

Me: Picking my Hubby up from work, downtown.

Officer D: Hhmm, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: 90…ish.

Officer D: 96

Me: Really? I thought it said 95 when I looked down after seeing your lights.

Officer D:…

Me: Sorry Officer sir, we just got this car and I had NO idea I was going that fast! My last car was a 1983 Subaru Sedan named Oliver, cause he was green, and the fastest he could go was 50 and if I tried to go faster then that he would start shaking like a…

Officer D: Maam have you been drinking?

Me: NO! No seriously I haven’t, I always talk like this and especially cause I’m nervous and you’re armed and..

Officer D: Okay I’m gonna need you to follow my finger with your eyes, without moving your head.

Me: oh okay

(He moved the finger left, right and I must have passed, cause he looked surprised and asked for my license and registration)

Me: oh… um… okay. We just bought this car and I’m not quite certain where the registration is (or what it looked like).

I pulled out the big binder the dealership had given us and began pulling out random pieces of paper.

Me: Is this it?

Officer D: No

Me: This?

Officer D: Nope

Me: How bout this one?

Officer D: Not even close

Me: This one?

Officer D: Yes

Me: WOO HOO!

Officer D: Thank you maam, please stay in your car and I’ll be back.

So by now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m getting a ticket and have begun working out ways of making sure Hubby doesn’t find out.  I decided I would open up a bank account in my name, transfer funds to it and use that to pay off the ticket, Hubby would never know.  But then I realized that the insurrance would probably go up, especially since I had been going 41 miles over the speedlimit. Then that got me thinking how much is a ticket for 41 miles over the speed limit? Isn’t a ticket like $10 for every mile over the speed limit? HOW MUCH IS $10 TIMES 41!?!? Oh man I am so royally screwed!

At this point Officer Douche comes back and I reached out to take my ticket.

Officer D: Here’s your license and registration back.

Me: thank you

Officer D: You may want to really examine that registration so you’ll be able to find it a little easier in the future.

(ha ha Officer D ha ha)

Me: thank you

Officer D: I’m gonna let you off with a warning.

Me: YOU’RE WHAT!?!? But I was going 41 miles over the speed limit!!

Officer D:… I know, and try not to do that anymore.

Me: OH NO SIR OFFICER SIR! Thank you so much!!

So I put my papers away, waved at Officer Awesome, and drove to Hubby’s work.

Me: YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!?!

Hubby: Babe it’s late and I’m tired and…

Me: I GOT PULLED OVER FOR GOING 96 IN A 55 AND DIDN’T GET A TICKET!!!

Hubby: WHAT!?!

Me: RIGHT!?!?! ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!!

Hubby: What was wrong with the officer that pulled you over? Not only should you have got a ticket, but that could be considered reckless driving and he could have arrested you!

Me: Well I gave a good reason, I was picking you up and the car was new and Oliver always started shaking if I was going over the speedlimit and I don’t have any tickets on my record, and I think maybe he felt sorry for…

Hubby: Did you show him boobage?

Me: BABE!!

Hubby: Well, it’s outragious that you didn’t get a ticket! If I had been pulled over going that fast I would have got a ticket and been sitting in jail by now!!

Me: So you wanted me to get a ticket that could have possibly been a $1,000 and arrested?

Hubby: YES! It would have taught you a lesson!

Me:… It did.

Hubby: Really?

Me: Ya, you can take the metro home from now on, lesson learned.