I like to think I’m pretty up to date on all the girl parts and how they work, I mean I’ve had my own for 35 years, but pregnancy will always confuse and baffle me.
MOM! PUT DOWN THE PHONE! I’m not pregnant.
My co-worker/friend Kay is pregnant and has recently really been enjoying my knowledge of the female body during pregnancy, or should I say, my LACK of knowledge of the female body druing pregnancy. And I really showed it off today at work.
Me: So you weren’t at work yesterday, you okay?
Kay: Ya, just some pregnancy pains.
Me: I would think the whole pregnancy thing would be a pain.
Michelle: (leaning in from across the aisle) Kay you better not have that baby early, we need you here for at least two more weeks.
Me: Oh she won’t have it early.
Kay: I won’t?
Me: No, because you know, you’re not done yet. Doesn’t you body have to be ready to go for that? And you’re not a go yet, or done, or whatever… what are you smiling at?
Kay: Nothing, please continue, what were you saying about being done?
Me: Well, you know, you have to be all fully ovulated before you can have the baby, right?
Kay: Honey, I haven’t been ovulating for a while.
John: (shouting from over his cubical wall) Think you mean dilated!
Me: SHUT UP JOHN! NO ONE ASKED YOU! AND STOP STEALING MY COFFEE CREAMER!!!
Kay: He’s got a point.
Me: I know, but he’s a creamer thief and must be insulted and ostracized at all time.
Kay: Wow, you can use ostracized correctly but are baffled by ovulating… interesting.
Me: It’s a hard word!
John: No it’s not!
Me: BITE ME, CREAMER KLEPTO!!
John: Sticks and Stones!
Me: DON’T TEMPT ME!
Kay: (laughing) Okay I gotta go or I may actually have this baby early.
John: Why? Are you fully ovulated!?! Hahahaha
Me: NO ONE THINKS YOU’RE FUNNY!!
John: Really, then why is everyone laughing?!?
I’m currently plotting my revenge for John, it involves a coffee creamer container left unprotected in my mini-fridge, which may or may not contain a gift from my neighbor’s dog Poopsie… who’s lauging now John!!!… <insert evil laugh here>