I am a happy person.
This is a fact.
I love talking. I am known for talking fast and excitedly, with many hand gestures, and laughing.
I love laughing. I will sometimes find something so funny that I will pass laughing and go straight to snorting, my friends think this is hilarious.
I love my friends. I love having these amazing people in my life, who are spectacular and wonderful and who, if I asked, would band together and take over a small country with me.
I love my Hubby, my Tony. I have loved him from the very first moment I saw him 17 years ago. Marrying him, and being his wife, is the happiest thing I have ever done.
… so when I tell you I’m sad, know that this is a very big deal.
It came a couple weeks ago, like a big black cloud that has enveloped me. It doesn’t just hang above my head, it’s in my head, my body, my heart, my soul.
I have never felt this kind of depression before, and it terrifies me. I don’t understand why it’s here. I don’t understand why it’s making me feel, and think, horrible things.
I feel ashamed that I feel this way. There is no reason for me to feel this way. There is nothing so horrible in my life for this sense of complete and utter dread to consume me.
So I put on the old Mona’s face, happy, smiling, laughing, and I know I’m a fraud, but I don’t care. I don’t want anyone to know about the blackness in me.
If they know then I have to explain it, and I can’t. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t know what’s broken. I don’t know how to fix it.
But the old Mona’s face is just making me sadder. I like her, I love her, I want to be her again.
So no more hiding, deceiving, faking it. Time to shine some light on this suffocating blackness.
Time to find the old Mona and save her from this storm. She’ll probably smack me upside the head and say “It’s about Fracking time!” But I’ll have that coming.
But I’m still so afraid to say the words out loud, to tell my friends of this saddness that has no meaning or reason, yet is there.
So I do it this way, my blog. My silly funny happy blog, will now be my weapon against the darkness.
And I know it will find them, and tell them.
This is my white flag, my SOS, my message in the sky.