Okay! I’m starting to get death threats, so I will now tell the story of Ashley’s Awesomely Evil Surprise Birthday… but first, BACK STORY!… shut up, every great story needs back up.

February – Ashley announces she wants to have her 30^th birthday at a rental house on the coast and sends us a link to the house she wants to rent.

March – Tracy and I tell Ashley that we have something MUCH better planned for her birthday than a boring rental house, so forget about it.

April – Tracy and I reserve the rental house.

July – Tracy and I start planning the awesomeness that will be Ashley’s surprise birthday party, this is where things start getting… complicated.

How do we get Ashley to the house, AND in, without her realizing that this is the house she picked out in February and, because it sleeps 18, all of her friends are probably inside waiting to surprise her?

Yes, this could be a problem… for people who aren’t as awesome/evil as we are!

(While reading our awesome/evil plan please have a friend hum the A-Team’s “The Plan” theme song, if they don’t know it, we will also accept the Mission Impossible theme song. If they don’t know either of these songs… then your friends are lame, dump them and go find cooler friends.)

FIRST we tell Ashley that she, me, Tracy, and Tricia are taking a girls only overnight trip to the coast on Saturday and then going to an Amazingly Awesome Party in Portland Sunday night.

This first step was extremely easy to do and we pulled it off flawlessly. I believe it was my minute by minute itinerary that I strictly made us follow that really sold it.

11:48am – Group shout overlooking ocean
CHECK!

SECOND on the drive to the “resort”, Tracy receives a call from Dan, her fiancé, who needs an important piece for his camera and tells her to stop by his friend’s house on the coast to pick it up. Tracy gets extremely annoyed with Dan and will spend several minutes yelling at him and questing their whole engagement.

The second step went off so perfectly that when Dan got off the phone with Tracy, he told the group standing around him that he wasn’t 100% sure if the wedding was still on…

THIRD Tracy tells us about this “unexpected” stop and then “accidently” slips that the camera piece we’re picking up is for the photo booth at Ashley’s party.  I then get mad at Tracy, screaming that I can’t believe she gave away the surprise, and say we should just cancel the party now, and the whole time I’m yelling I’m also dropping an impressive amounts of F bombs. Tracy then starts “crying” and refuses to talk to anyone for the rest of the car ride.  Tricia meanwhile will be trying to console all of us, while Ashley is devastated thinking this is the worst birthday EVER.

… okay… the third step did not go quite as we had planned… IT WENT BETTER!!

Tracy did the photo booth slip perfectly, I then did my bitchfest like a champ, but then things took an unexpected twist. 

Tracy started dropping the F bombs… this is unheard of, she is the decorum of sweetness and nicety. I sat there in shock as she yelled at me for “Fucking making everything so Fucking complicated with my Fucking secrecy and she’s Fucking fed up with me and all my Fucking drama!”

Tracy stopped for a breath, looked me directly in the eye and the next thing that happened came so naturally to me that I’m actually now concerned about my emotional stability.

I cried like a fucking baby.

Big huge sobs, with wailing that could have been confused for a dying wallaby, and an alarming amount of snot.

This just spurred Tracy on, she insulted me, my family, my pets, my fashion choices and with each insult my sobs/wailing/snot not only continued but dramatically increased.

I looked to Tricia to start giving the counsel, as we had practiced, but unfortunately she wasn’t as good at improve as Tracy and I were; she was scrunched up as far away from us as possible staring at the whole emotional train wreck with opened mouth horror.

I then turned to Ashley and was shocked to see her with a very calm look on her face… SHIT! She wasn’t buying any of this, she’s on to us!

Ashley: *quiver in voice* You guys, I love you both so much and just being with you all is such a wonderful birthday, please don’t worry about anything else.

SWEET! She’s not only buying it, she took out a loan and bought all the surrounding property!!!

She then reached over and patted my knee… I viewed this as an excellent time to start my crying all over again, and Tracy began a whole new F bombing attack regarding my emotional weakness and inability to pull off bangs.

FOURTH We pull up to the house, Ashley is so emotionally disturbed by the fight that she doesn’t recognize it as the rental she picked out in February. We all walk together to the downstairs door, which will be open, I will call out “hello?” and one of the boys will yell “come on up!”. We walk up the stairs and everyone yells SURPRISE!

Again things did not go as planned. The boys forgot to leave the door open. And when we opened the door and yelled ‘hello’ up the stairs, no one said anything. Still in her role Tracy yelled “Fuck it, we’re going up!”, to which Ashley voiced concern that this could be viewed as breaking and entry and she didn’t want to be arrested on her birthday, we all laughed at her fears and I proceeded to push her up the stairs. 

And behold the outcome…

p.s. the blonde and brunette hugging at the end are me and Tracy, verifying that our friendship is still intact.

p.s.s. we later find out that Ashley had completely forgotten all about the rental house and would never have recognized it… totally worth it anyways.