I neutered my dog on Valentines Day and now I’m being haunted by his balls… seriously.

Let me just start by stating that I’m not a bad person, or a sadist, or a hater of stupid holidays created by Hallmark. It’s just that was the only day they had open for surgery for like months!

And let’s think about this, Valentines Day is a celebration for Saint Valentine, who was beheaded. So technically, I was just celebrating the holiday, ‘literally’… true, I cut off Orko’s balls and not his head, but we all know what boys really think with…

ANYWHO, I was instructed by the vet to keep a close eye on the suture site to make sure there was no bruising, pussing, leaking, bleeding, oozing, and any other bad ‘ing’ thing that could possible occur.

Naturally being the sound, rational person I am, these instructions SCARED THE BAJEEZUS OUT OF ME!

I was inspecting Orko’s manly region every hour, on the hour!

So Sunday… 4am… I wake up to pee… yes I pee at 4am… no I’m not a 94 year old man… FOCUS… so… decide to do a surprise inspection… roll Orko over… look down… and… his balls have grown back.

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I stared down at these two large, hard (yes I touched them) balls! One on each side of Orko’s penis (yes I know what the penis is now… shut up).

I grab my phone and call my vet’s emergency after hours number.

Girl: Hello, thank you for…

Me: MY DOGS BALLS HAVE GROWN BACK!

Girl:… excuse me?

Me: YOU GUYS CUT THEM OFF AND NOW THEY’RE BACK!! 

Girl:… ma’am, I need you to take a breath.

Me: TAKE A BREATH!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE!?!? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TELLING YOU!?!? THERE HAS BEEN A MIRACULES EVENT HERE… HIS BALLS HAVE RISEN AGAIN!!

Girl: Ma’am I really don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Me: WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE!?!? HE HAS DIVINE BALLS! THEY WERE CHOPPED OFF THREE DAYS AGO AND THEY HAVE RISEN AGAIN… oh my god, they were chopped off 3 days ago, and have now risen again… MY DOG IS THE NEXT MESSIAH!!!

Girl: Miss… have you been drinking…

Me: NO! THIS IS JUST HOW I AM!!! FOCUS WOMAN!! DIVINE BALLS!! MESSIAH DOG!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SHOULD I BRING HIM IN FOR AN EXAMINATION?? SHOULD WE CALL THE VATICAN?? WHAT!?!?!

Girl: I’m gonna transfer you to a technician.

*hold music*… Beethoven’s 5th Symphony… ‘Hallelujah’

I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!

Technician Dude: Hello, I don’t think I understood the front desk admin correctly, what’s your emergency?

Me: DIVINE, RISEN AGAIN, BALLS!!!

 Technician Dude: Okay, I guess I did hear correctly.

Me: HE WAS NEUTERED ON THURSDAY AND THE BALLS ARE NOW BACK! MY DOG’S BALLS HAVE RETURNED TO SAVE MANKIND!!!

Technician Dude: You had your dog neutered on Valentines Day?

Me:… seriously, that’s all you got out of that?

Technician Dude: Okay, explain to me what you’re looking at right now.

I rolled Orko over and looked down.

Me:… they’re gone.

Technician Dude: The miracle balls?

Me:… ya.

Technician Dude: Okay, was there anything else we can help you with tonight?

Me: DUDE, HIS BALLS ARE GONE!

Technician Dude: … yes ma’am, you had him neutered on Thursday.

Me: But, but they were just here… do you know what this means?

Technician Dude: I’m afraid to ask.

Me: PHANTOM BALLS!! I’M BEING HAUNTED BY MY DOGS CHOPPED BALLS!!!

Technician Dude: Okay, have a nice evening ma’am.

After some crazed Googling I found out Orko’s balls were not haunting me nor was he the next messiah… I had just, once again, been touching my dog inappropriately… fracking bulbus glands.

The bulbus glandis (also called a knot) is an erectile tissue structure on the penis of canid mammals.  During mating the tissues swell up and lock immediately after penetration of the male’s penis inside the female. For domestic dogs the tie may last up to half an hour or more, though usually less.

About But That's For Another Blog

Wifey, Blogger, Cat Slave, New Puppy Mommy, Huge Nerd, and One Hellofafriend! (Seriously, I have references). SHINY!!
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8 Responses to I neutered my dog on Valentines Day and now I’m being haunted by his balls… seriously.

  1. Keyla says:

    Hahaha, that is hilarious! I am so glad I have a female dog! When I had Abby spayed she wasn’t allowed to jump up onto anything and was supposed to take it easy (just try to slow down a 6 month old german shephard mix). So when we got home I carried all 40 lbs of her into the house, pulled off one of the couch cushions and put it in front of the couch so she had a ‘step’ onto the couch – she slept in the cushionless spot for 2 day, not on the cushion – in the spot where the cushion was missing. She was jumping around acting like herself by the 3rd day.

    • Oh my god it’s been a nightmare! Orko can’t play with other dogs, take a walk longer then 5 minutes, and must wear the cone of shame when ever we are not with him… I’m not sure who’s more miserable, him or me. Actually me, he was so bored yesterday he ate a shoe… seriously there was nothing left…

      • Keyla says:

        Ah yes, the cone of shame – I’ve never been given such an unhappy face from my dog when I put her in the cone. I think they know what their limits are (to a point), Abby was all bouncy by the 3rd day, I couldn’t slow her down if I tried, the vet said it was ok though 🙂 hopefully he’s back to his normal self soon!

  2. Wazeau says:

    Now every post I read of yours, I’m hearing aloud in my head, thanks a lot video blog. Poor Orko. You cut them off then continue with the stimulation…. Perhaps you should have stuck with cats 😛

  3. Now this is a horror story! (sort of Poe-ish Telltale Heart?)
    They really baby dogs now? We didn’t get any instructions on picking up our dog after his “operation”.
    Sorry about the shoe…guilt made you forgive him, right?

  4. this struck a chord …………. it’s taken me two years to get used to the idea of accidentally touching my dog’s man bits while bathing him…….. (also neutered of course)
    x

  5. Brittany says:

    Haha I thought this was funny. I need to get my dog neutered, but I feel bad for him and was searching the actual procedure and if they actually cut the balls off and this blog came up.

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