Let me just start by stating that I’m not a bad person, or a sadist, or a hater of stupid holidays created by Hallmark. It’s just that was the only day they had open for surgery for like months!
And let’s think about this, Valentines Day is a celebration for Saint Valentine, who was beheaded. So technically, I was just celebrating the holiday, ‘literally’… true, I cut off Orko’s balls and not his head, but we all know what boys really think with…
ANYWHO, I was instructed by the vet to keep a close eye on the suture site to make sure there was no bruising, pussing, leaking, bleeding, oozing, and any other bad ‘ing’ thing that could possible occur.
Naturally being the sound, rational person I am, these instructions SCARED THE BAJEEZUS OUT OF ME!
I was inspecting Orko’s manly region every hour, on the hour!
So Sunday… 4am… I wake up to pee… yes I pee at 4am… no I’m not a 94 year old man… FOCUS… so… decide to do a surprise inspection… roll Orko over… look down… and… his balls have grown back.
I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stared down at these two large, hard (yes I touched them) balls! One on each side of Orko’s penis (yes I know what the penis is now… shut up).
I grab my phone and call my vet’s emergency after hours number.
Girl: Hello, thank you for…
Me: MY DOGS BALLS HAVE GROWN BACK!
Girl:… excuse me?
Me: YOU GUYS CUT THEM OFF AND NOW THEY’RE BACK!!
Girl:… ma’am, I need you to take a breath.
Me: TAKE A BREATH!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE!?!? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TELLING YOU!?!? THERE HAS BEEN A MIRACULES EVENT HERE… HIS BALLS HAVE RISEN AGAIN!!
Girl: Ma’am I really don’t think that’s what’s happening.
Me: WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE!?!? HE HAS DIVINE BALLS! THEY WERE CHOPPED OFF THREE DAYS AGO AND THEY HAVE RISEN AGAIN… oh my god, they were chopped off 3 days ago, and have now risen again… MY DOG IS THE NEXT MESSIAH!!!
Girl: Miss… have you been drinking…
Me: NO! THIS IS JUST HOW I AM!!! FOCUS WOMAN!! DIVINE BALLS!! MESSIAH DOG!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SHOULD I BRING HIM IN FOR AN EXAMINATION?? SHOULD WE CALL THE VATICAN?? WHAT!?!?!
Girl: I’m gonna transfer you to a technician.
*hold music*… Beethoven’s 5th Symphony… ‘Hallelujah’
I SHIT YOU NOT!!!!
Technician Dude: Hello, I don’t think I understood the front desk admin correctly, what’s your emergency?
Me: DIVINE, RISEN AGAIN, BALLS!!!
Technician Dude: Okay, I guess I did hear correctly.
Me: HE WAS NEUTERED ON THURSDAY AND THE BALLS ARE NOW BACK! MY DOG’S BALLS HAVE RETURNED TO SAVE MANKIND!!!
Technician Dude: You had your dog neutered on Valentines Day?
Me:… seriously, that’s all you got out of that?
Technician Dude: Okay, explain to me what you’re looking at right now.
I rolled Orko over and looked down.
Me:… they’re gone.
Technician Dude: The miracle balls?
Technician Dude: Okay, was there anything else we can help you with tonight?
Me: DUDE, HIS BALLS ARE GONE!
Technician Dude: … yes ma’am, you had him neutered on Thursday.
Me: But, but they were just here… do you know what this means?
Technician Dude: I’m afraid to ask.
Me: PHANTOM BALLS!! I’M BEING HAUNTED BY MY DOGS CHOPPED BALLS!!!
Technician Dude: Okay, have a nice evening ma’am.
After some crazed Googling I found out Orko’s balls were not haunting me nor was he the next messiah… I had just, once again, been touching my dog inappropriately… fracking bulbus glands.
The bulbus glandis (also called a knot) is an erectile tissue structure on the penis of canid mammals. During mating the tissues swell up and lock immediately after penetration of the male’s penis inside the female. For domestic dogs the tie may last up to half an hour or more, though usually less.