I like cheese… cheese don’t like me…
It’s shocking how many times I forget this, case in point, last night.
It started with me sitting on the couch with a full box of crackers and a block of cheese, it ended with me laying on the couch with a box of crackers and an empty cheese wrapper…
Now you’re probably thinking, well that’s not too bad, just stay in the comfort of your home and ride out the horror that is soon to come in the privacy and safety of your own bathroom.
And I totally would have… except… I had kinda promised Susan I would go to Yoga with her… in like 10 minutes.
I rolled myself off the couch and down the hall to the bedroom… that’s not a grammar error, I actually rolled down the hall, well maybe more like an army crawl, if the army was a walrus, that had just been hit by a speed boat, and was descending to the oceans depth, to die… anywho I digress.
So I got to my bedroom and put on my tightest pair of workout pants, I needed all the support I could get to keep in the impending doom.
Then, being who I am, I updated my status on Facebook regarding the current events that were unfolding, which was quickly replied with WAY too much glee from people I had thought were my “friends”.
But jokes on them, I went through that entire class without one toot, seriously not a rip, floof, honk, parp, air bagel, one man salute, bun shaker, tail wind, fluffernutter, what the dog did, break the sound barrier without a plane, turd whistling for the right of way, doing the one-cheek sneak, insane in the methane, or telegraph from Ft. A-hole to Cmdr. Nostril announcing the arrival of Gen. Shat*! (*god bless you UrbanDictionary.com).
Unfortunalty while laying in my final comfort position, I realized I had foolishly forgotten about… the chi straightner.
The Chi Straightner is when the instructor comes up to your totally relaxed motionless body, leans down, and pulls your legs.
It’s meant to be a final release of pressure and stress… wow, was.it.ever.
I’m not saying it was bad, but by the time I had finished, the instructor, who was still holding my legs, had gone from a sun kissed gold to a 5 day old corpse white, had shrunk 5 inches and what was left of her beautiful long straight hair had, literally, curled.
But being a professional, she wordlessly placed my legs back down and moved on to the next person, who was Susan, who was convulsing in the fetal position, partly because of her attempt to hold in the laughter and also because of her attempt to get away from the ode de Mona.
Cheese – 1
Mona – 0
Yoga Instructor – –100