Okay we all know that title to be a lie, but I’m currently ranking my screw ups on levels of, “It could have happened to anyone” to “Jesus Christ Woman!… I mean… WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?”. And when you look at it that way, I really haven’t had a truly WTH moment in months!
So this is how the current one went down, and to be fair, it actually started out as a coulda happened to anyone moment, but has since escalated… drastically.
Six months ago Ashley and I were trying on bridesmaid dresses for Tracy’s wedding, which was 7 months away.
Me: I am LOVING this dress!
Ashley: Sweetie, that is a lot of boob happening there.
Me: I know, the sample size is a bit small, I was barely able to zip it up, and there wasn’t much room left for the boys.
(Side bar, yes I call my boobs boys, they are way too much trouble to be girls.)
Me: So how does it look?
Ashley: I don’t know, all I see is boobs.
Me: Stop staring at my boobs and look at the dress!
Ashley: I can’t! I’m like a deer in headlights, I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!
At this point I may have thrown a fake bouquet at Ashley, which may have caused her to retaliate by chucking a tiara at me, which could have gotten us then thrown out of the bridal shop, not before we ordered our dresses. Ashley got a size 10 and I got a size 8… the same size as the sample dress…
WHAT!?!? The wedding was 7 months away!!! I was totally going to lose 15 – 20 pounds before then and by the time of the wedding I would fit beautifully into that size 8 dress!
Fast forward to 3 days ago, 1 month from the wedding.
Ashley: I got my dress and it is GORGEOUS!
Me: My dress hasn’t arrived yet, how does yours fit?
Ashley: A little snug at the chest but other then that, perfect!
Me: I may have not lost as much weight as I had planned to when I ordered the dress.
Ashley: How much weight are we talking about?
Me: About 10 pounds.
Ashley: Oh, well that’s still really good! I mean losing 10 pounds will…
Me: No! Not lost… gained.
Ashley: What now?
Me: I’ve gained 10 pounds since we ordered the dresses.
Ashley: … You’re fucked.
The dress is scheduled to arrive on Monday… if you don’t hear from me after that… I’m pretty sure Tracy, aka the bride, has killed me and you should notify the police of my murder.
Here’s a picture of her that you can give the police, back when she liked me and back when I was 10 pounds lighter…