Okay I am loving my new job; there’s no dress code, free food in the kitchen, the soda machine doesn’t require coins, and there are random Nerf gun wars that break out when you least expect it, however, there is one thing about this place that’s gonna take some time getting used to… Unisex Bathrooms.
Now before you recoil from your computer in horror and run screaming into the sunset, I should probably specify two things. One, I posted that picture cause it’s funny as hell. Two, at my work there are two bathrooms with one toilet in each room and locks on the door. So thankfully I’m not subject to having to try to poo like a lady with some dude listening on the other side of a stall. Cause let’s be honest, no one can poo like a lady, shut up no you can’t!!… sorry I am certain someone reading this just said “I can!” and no, no you can’t.
My first time I went to the restroom I found myself walking back and forth between the two doors, not understanding what I was looking at, a lot like when I fake throw the ball at my dog and he goes running off and then stops and looks around confused by where the ball has gone, so technically this may have been some sort of karma payback for that… not cool karma, but well played.
After finally realizing that both bathrooms had female/male signs I picked one, walked in, and then locked the door, and then checked to make sure it was really locked, and then checked again, and one more time, walked to the toilet, and then turned around and walked back to make sure the door was locked… fast forward 5 minutes later… I’m now pretty sure the door is locked and no one will be walking in and seeing me on the toilet with my granny panties around my ankles… shut up I need to do laundry and I’m down to the D league again.
Okay prepare yourself, I’m about to share stuff in this next paragraph… and by stuff I mean “stuff”… if anyone has problems with “stuff”, I’d like to recommend a book to you…
Okay door locked, I’m in position, so let’s get this done with as quick as possible. And this is the moment that my body decided to be an ass… kinda literally… let’s just say it gave me back my breakfast burrito… in volume… and definitely not smelling as good as it did this morning.
I. Was. Horrified.
Were the hell did THAT come from!?!? Okay dumb question, but DUDE I had just come in to pee! So now I’m panicking and desperately looking around for the air freshener… no air freshener… SERIOUSLY!?!?! Unisex bathroom and NO air freshener!?!?! I am NOT walking out that door with this smell wafting out behind me, with my luck some dude would be waiting to come in and that’s where horrible office nick names come from!!!
Okay time to get my MacGyver on and work with what I got. Let’s take inventory, toilet paper, paper towels, and soap… SHIT! Even MacGyver would throw his arms up in the air, declare defeat, and prepare for his inevitable new nickname of MacStinkyBottom.
NO! I wont give up! I quickly pumped all the soap onto wet paper towels and proceeded to dance around the bathroom waving my soap laded paper towel air fresheners in the air. It was working! The air was definitely transitioning from stinky, stinky poo poo to orange zestiness… I think… maybe… or I was getting used to the burrito part dues smell… no, no it was definitely more zest then eck!
HA! Kiss it MacGyver, you big quitting cry baby!!
With my job finished I peaked my head outside the door, coast was clear, I quickly walked away and back to my desk. I sat down triumphant in my victory, until I looked up and noticed everyone looking at me… THEY KNEW!… But how!?!?! It wasn’t possible!! None of them had even left the room!!!
I then looked down at my computer and noticed the time… With my obsessive-compulsive lock checking and the dance of the funk faeries, I had been in the bathroom for over 20 minutes… fffffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkk.