Dude, shut up, I don’t care if the title of this blog makes you sick, try being in my shoes!!
… actually you’ll want to stay away from my pink pumps…Orko didn’t make it outside in time once… *shudder*.
So remember when you were a little kid and you would go running out into the woods behind your family’s cabin with your older brother, and your mom would be yelling out after both of you, “DON’T DRINK FROM THE CREEK, YOU’LL GET THE RUNS!!!”
And you’d laugh, and do it anyways, and then the next day you’d be crying in the outhouse and your mom would be on the other side of the door saying, “I TOLD YOU SO!!”.
…NO? Dude, was I the only kid raised in a log cabin out in the middle of nowhere by hippies!?!?
Anywho, I should have yelled my mothers advise at my dog Orko when he was running around the park, cause he must have drank from the forbidden creek.
I found this out the next day when he was doing his morning constitutional by the biggest tree in the park. I wasn’t really paying attention on how Orko’s progress was going as you’re not supposed to watch your dog poo, well that’s at least my belief. When ever I see an owner watching their dog poo, I can just hear the dog saying “DUDE!! STOP WATCHING, YOU WEIRDO!”.
So I was giving Orko his privacy, until I heard what sounded like a Harley Davidson revving its engine under water. I looked over to see Orko standing on only his front two legs as the sheer velocity of what was coming out of his behind was propelling his butt and back legs off the ground.
“DUDE!!!” I said.
Orko looked over at me with a wide eyed stare that said, “ARE YOU SEEING THIS!?!?!?!”
Once he was done he did a wobbly back leg kick to cover the horror that he had created… ya righ,t no amount of grass was going to cover that abomination. I looked at the long stretch of awfulness that was in front of me and then at the little plastic bag in my hand… and then back to the horror… and then turned around and walked Orko back home.
I’m a firm believer in picking up after your dog, but seeing as I would need a shovel, wheelbarrow, and hazmat suit to pick THAT up. I was calling it a day.
I took Orko back home and quickly called the vet.
Vet Lady: How may I help you?
Me: My dog’s ass just exploded.
Vet Lady: Excuse me?
Me: I know, it was unbelievable!
Vet Lady: Okay let’s get you guys in. When did he last go?
Me: His last explosion was about 10 minutes ago.
Vet Lady: Alright, is he leaking?
Me: Excuse me?
Vet Lady: Some times dogs will have some anal leaking, along with the diarrhea.
Me: He might leak?… SHIT!… ORKO!!!… WHERE ARE YOU!?!?… OH… MY… GOD… GET OFF THE BED!!… NO, NO, NOT THE COUCH!!!!… GET AWAY FROM MY CLOSET!!… NOT MY SHOES!!!… AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Vet Lady: Okay, I’m putting down yes for leaking.
It’s been 5 days on antibiotics and Orko’s bum is back in check. But, dude, someone needs to warn new dog owners about this. It should be included in that little pamphlet they give you at the pound. The importance of getting your dog spade and neutered, keeping up to date on their shots, and if they ever get diarrhea… duck and cover.