I’m pretty certain I have discovered the world’s greatest torture procedure, and I will even allow the government to steal it from me. Trust me, it will make even the die hardest of spies to tell all of their secrets in seconds!
First, give them a severe sore throat, don’t tell me you can’t do it government! We all know you’re holding on to the cure to the common cold, with all your science buddies, so you can EASILY reverse it and give someone a cold, in fact I think you have something already, it’s called GERM WARFARE!!
… I apologize, that’s the Dayquil talking… and the pink pill I took for my congestion and the blue pill I took for my achy joints… I don’t handle colds well… where was I??… Oh ya.
Second, once the spies have truly horrific sore throats, blow pepper up their noses. Seriously this will cause agonizing, debilitating pain! And trust me it works, as it’s been tested, ON ME!! BY HUBBY!!!! To be fair he thought he was helping, in his messed up psychotic mind, he was doing me a kindness. Welcome to my marriage.
Okay back track. So I have this horrific sore throat and head cold, and each time I sneeze, which was happening every 4 minutes (we timed them) it would feel like a grenade full of razor blades blew up in my throat and then exited through every opening in my head. To stop the torture I decided to just not sneeze. It’s actually pretty easy, and no lie, but that whole finger under the nose thing totally works!
I told Hubby about my amazing new discovery and he got all Bill Nye the Science Guy on me and said I HAD to sneeze as that’s the bodies way of helping me to expel the virus from my body. I explained that my body could go F itself… hee hee… sorry… and I said that there was no way he could make me sneeze cause it hurt WAY too much.
You probably see where this is going. Well next thing I know I’m being barraged by a pepper shaker toting Hubby, causing me to attempt to run away, causing Hubby to tackle me, causing me to sneeze in his face… it hurt… but the thought that Hubby might now get my cold is helping me to pull through this. Payback’s a Bitch, and its name beith Mona.
Keep Calm… when did everyone decide to keep calm?? I just got a T’shirt made, and it says I can’t keep calm… (Well, it says “We don’t keep calm, it’s football season. Mom of a football player, obviously!)
P.S., I have one of those “I’ll shove pepper up your nose” kind of husbands too
Oh boy, that does sound torturous! Hope you’re feeling better soon!
(From Sarah, With Joy)