So after taking him to the groomer to get all washed and buffed, and then strapping a ridiculously cute bow tie on him (cause bow ties are cool), which he was not a fan of, we arrived at the doggy boutique that was hosting the event.
It only took me a couple moments until I started getting a bad feeling, I was noticing things, things pointing out the similarities of my current surroundings to… Tiaras and Toddlers… oh. my. god.
There was a woman with an incredibly fluffy white dog, well I think it was a dog, seriously there could have been anything under all that fur, who was furiously brushing its white puffiness, telling it how beautiful it was and all the other dogs here were ugly… no lie.
Another woman had dressed her dog as a pirate and was yelling at him for trying to shake off his Captain Jack dreadlocks wig.
One man was shoving doggie treat after doggie treat into his dogs mouth to keep him from barking at other dogs.
And then there was me… with a much fluffier then normal Orko… who was wearing a bow tie… that he obviously hated… oh god… I was one of them… these were my people…
Before I could turn and get us both the hell out of there I heard it… “And next we have Orko!”
Orko and I walked down the red carpet, seriously I wish I was making that part up, as the announcer voice boomed over us.
Announcer: “Orko likes playing frisbee with his daddy and getting treats for being a good boy!”
We came to the end of the runway, to where the judge was sitting and a photographer was jumping around, yelling Orko’s name to get “the” shot.
Judge: Can he do anything?
Photographer: ORKO LOOK AT ME, AT ME ORKO!!!
Me: Well he’s got being a dog down pretty good.
Judge: I mean anything impressive?
Photographer: ORKO ORKO ORKO HERE BUDDY LOOK AT ME, ORKOOOOO!!!!
Now Orko can do lots of impressive things, handshakes, high five, double high five, dancing, playing dead. But this snooty judge, and caffeine high photographer, were just too ridiculous. So I decided it was time to end the insanity and show these people that Orko and I were NOT one of them.
Me: He has excellent bladder control.
Judge: Excuse me?
Me: I’ll show you.
Pointing to the photographer, who was now laying on the floor in front of an alarmed Orko, and still screaming his name.
And being the good boy he is, Orko instantly raised a leg.
Announcer: THANK YOU ORKO!!!! YOU CAN LEAVE THE CARPET NOW!!!!!
And we did, we walked off the red carpet, out the front door, and straight to a Starbucks where Orko got a big puppiccino, a bigger apology from me, and was finally released from his bow tie… even though it was cool.