For those of you that know me this title probably shocked you.
ME, Mona, not being able to enjoy a wine tasting!?!?
You’re probably asking questions like:
Mona, did they not have wine?
no… they had wine
Mona, was the wine basically vinegar?
no… some of the wines were quite good
Mona, was this place out in the wilderness where you had to fight off rabid animals just to get a tasting?
no… it was inside, no animals, quite a nice set up, with some lovely live music
Mona, THEN WHAT THE HELL WOMAN!?!?!
OKAY… here we go
First off, I’m pretty sure my father set this whole thing up just to see my reaction, so to my dad I say, NOT COOL MAN! But he did buy me a bottle at the end, so we’re good.
Anywho, we walk into this tasting room in the “big city” near the old family farm. The first thing I notice is the large oval bar that takes up a third of the room. Three to four people are working the bar, pouring tastings around a giant tower of wine stacked in the center. The room itself is surrounded by floor to ceiling glass giving some very nice views of the city and a river flowing below, and I can hear guitar and bass, with some vocals, happening over in the far corner… not too shabby.
Dad and I saddle up to one end of the bar and grab a menu.
Me: ya wanna get a shakaruta
Dad: a what now
Dad: that’s not better
Dad: well now you’re just not trying
Me: A MEAT AND CHEESE BOARD
Dad: aaahhhhh charcuterie
Me: … you’re evil…
As we wait for someone to come take our order, I scan the room. For such a happening and fun looking place a large number of the people look sad and/or annoyed and/or ready to kill… that really should have been a warning sign to me, but let’s remember I’m kinda obtuse to these things. I’m pretty sure I once entered a bank DURING a robbery, made a deposit, grabbed a complimentary sucker, and walked right back out… seriously.
Fast forward 15 minutes and we’re STILL waiting for someone to come take our order.
I’m working overtime trying to make eye contact with ANYONE,
the 2 servers in front of us, no luck,
the manager walking the room, nadda,
the lady sitting next to me, nothing, she just stares forlornly into her empty glass, that had been like that since we arrived.
By some miracle I finally lock onto the manager with eyes that scream, “I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY!!”, obviously she doubts how much I’m willing to throw down cause she sends me her worst employee. I know this is the case as the woman that shuffles over doesn’t have a name tag, like everyone else, she looks dazed and extremely confused as to why she’s here, and she’s old enough to have poured the first bottle of wine… EVER MADE!
Dad, being so much smarter then me, ordered a glass of wine, and I, being the obtuse forever hopeful moron, ordered a full tasting.
We also requested the board that shall not be named, however Moses of Wine said we would have to go to the back and into the kitchen to order that…
Me: so like what an employee would do
Me: yyaaaaaa, I think we’ll just stick to wine
So Dad got his glass of wine and an empty glass was put in front of me. Alright, here we go! I looked up to find that Moses had parted the seas and was gone.
Me: What just happened
Dad: I got my wine
Me: Ya, but where’s my first tasting
Dad: get comfy honey
People I am not lying getting those 5 tastings took… AN HOUR AND A HALF!
And they were the smallest tastings I’ve EVER been poured, I got a sip of each… A SIP!
YA CAN’T TASTE THE COMPLEXITIES OF A WINE FROM A SIP, YOU BASTARDS!!!
Plus they poured me a sweet wine first… FIRST!
EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR POOR THE SWEET STUFF AT THE END, YOU MONSTERS!!!
And Moses of Wine told me NOTHING about each wine I was “tasting”… NOTHING!
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE REGION IT CAME FROM, GOD DAMN IT!!!
WAS IT HARVESTED DURING A HOT OR COLD SUMMER!?!
WHAT UNDERTONES SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR!?!?
DOES THE WINERY HAVE A DOG!?!
THESE ARE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW PEOPLE!!!
By the time I finished my last “tasting” I was exhausted, confused, angry, and worst of all, not even a LITTLE tipsy.
Dad: that was fun
Dad: I owe you a bottle don’t I
Dad: maybe two
Me: … and a god damn charkaroringo board!