Sitting at my desk, about to enjoy my first cup of coffee when I felt a presence behind me, and some heavy breathing.
Me: hhhhheeeyyyy Heather, how’s your morning going?
Heather: I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die alone.
Heather: my friend told me about this guy she kinda knows who she thinks would be great for me. But he was seeing someone and I was with douche boy, but now we’re both available so I told her to hook a girl up and she said she hasn’t talked to him in a while so I went and checked out his facebook page.
Heather: pretty much, but that boy is a 6 foot tree I would like to climb!
Heather: so I put my phone down and went and did some stuff but when I came back I had SOMEHOW friend requested him!
Heather: YES! So I panic and decide to send him a quick note just giving him a heads up of who I am, aaannndddd… I’m so gonna die alone
Me: *sigh* show me
Heather (thrusting her phone at me): the scroll down button is on the right
Me: … oh god…
Heather: I know
Me: you mention your panties!?
Heather: ya I was trying for funny
Me: aanndd cats
Me: did you just swear at him?
Me: oohh god now the panties are back
Me: and now you’re talking about yourself in third person
Heather: I thought there should be someone to explain what I was saying.
Me: wow this is REALLY long… DID YOU FROWNY FACE YOUR OWN MESSAGE!?!
Heather: yyaaa, that was on accident
Me: … and no reply from him yet?
Me: you are totally going to die alone, can I blog this?
Heather:… sure, I’ll email it to you.
AND SHE DID!!!!
Full text copied from the FB message. Italic part is what I almost added but decided against… because I was afraid he wouldn’t get the joke… yeah that is the line that I thought “mayyyybe not… don’t wanna seem too weird” panty thing… totes okay with but I felt the highlighted part was a bridge too far. I obviously have like zero shame so feel free to use my name just don’t post my number unless your blog is really popular and some cute guy is like “woah… she is super funny I want to get to know her then… HOOK A SISTA UP, YO!
“Hi. I know you’re probably thinking “who is this devastatingly beautiful friend of Rebecca’s and why is she writing to me?” and that is a GREAT question… so glad you asked… “want to make 10,000 dollars working from home a month?!? I can show you how!”
You see, today I put on my “throw caution to the wind and do something brave” panties… SPOILER ALERT: they fit seamlessly under the granny panties I normally wear…
Anyways where was I? Oh yes, why I’m writing… well like 2 weeks ago Rebecca (my best friend in the entire universe… weeeeell she’s more like my older sister and I’m the scrappy weird little sister who gets on her nerves and does dumb shit) and I were talking when she mentioned you and how she thought we should meet. Apparently, she was going to introduce us last year but you were either in a relationship or just getting out of one (she wasn’t clear on the deets) and I was dating a dude she totally hated but she thinks you’re single now and so am I. God I’m so very very single… I’ve started naming the cats I don’t have yet but think are required once you hit this level of single. She thinks that we would be a great match because she said you’re weird like me… (gauntlet thrown mo’fo)…
So last night I had asked if she mentioned me and she was like “blah blah blah… something something… made fun of me… yadda yadda yadda” and then she remembered you accepted her friend request and in a moment of brilliance I was like “dude we can see if he’s single now” so I went to your FB on my phone… and looked at your page and saw you were single and put my phone down and told Rebecca to “hook a sista up, yo”…
Narrator: she didn’t say yo. Or sista.
Anyways I was getting ready for bed when I saw that you had accepted my friend request. A friend request I DIDN’T send. Well, I mean I DID send it but I didn’t MEAN to send it…
Anywho… I guess this is a long way of saying “Hi, my friend said we should meet and I put on my brave panties today so I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and say hi which is something I normally would NEVER do because I’m a chicken”
If you aren’t single feel free to laugh at the patheticness of this mail with your lady and be like “yeah babe… see I still got it” but if you are single and would like to talk to someone who is obviously funny AF then feel free to reach out…”
Dear God. This will help me through another (yep, ANOTHER) year of being single. Ugh!!!