Does this make me quirky or deranged… it’s a fine line… plus I’m pretty sure my officemate has super powers.

It’s quiet at work…
too quiet…
quiet enough for me to hear my thoughts…
and not the normal thoughts…
like, what should I have for lunch, did I turn off the iron, is that smell coming from me…
no…
I’m talking about the other ones…

What if my officemate Adam can actually read minds and has never told anyone because he’s afraid he’d to be taken away by the men in black… ADAM I CAN SEE YOUR PENIS!!… okay I thought that as loud as I could and he didn’t even flinch. So he can’t read minds… or he’s really good at acting like he can’t… WELL PLAYED SIR!!!

If a gun man burst into our office right now, what would I do? I would throw my vase of flowers at him, as he steps back to dodge the vase, I’d leap out of my chair and do a round house kick to his face!… but I’d probably forget to take my headphones off and the wires would yank my head back causing my kick to JUST miss… and as I fell to the ground, the now really pissed of gunman, would shoot Adam in retaliation… SORRY ADAM!!!

I should throw out the flowers in my vase, they’re getting pretty wilty.  I wonder if flowers can still speak to each other after getting cut. Can they even speak to each other before getting cut? Great, now I feel like I can hear them moaning as they slowly die on my desk… geez this is getting dark, I need to snap out of this weird train of thought… ADAM BREAK THE TENSION!!!

And people I swear to Crocodile Dundee, after I thought that… Adam burped… I’ve never laughed so hard in my life… WELL PLAYED INDEED SIR!!!

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Either working for Macy’s is like working for the CIA… or my friend’s an ass…. she’s an ass.

So I was at Macy’s trying to find a replacement for my favorite bra that after years of faithful service attempted to assassinate me in it’s final hour by impaling me with its underwire.

While walking through the maze that is Macy’s, I couldn’t help but notice all the Friends and Family Sale signs that were posted at every entrance, exit, cash register, and general eye level location throughout the store.

I then remembered that I had a friend, Molly, that worked in the SFO Macy’s headquarters and decided to give her a quick, “Hey remember me, we’re friends, give me your company discount.”

As you can probably guess the texting did not go the way I had planned.

Me: HEY SEXY LADY!!!!

Molly: I have no idea who this is, but the only person I know with a Portland area code that would call me that is Mona.

Me: IT IS ME!!! I’m at Macy’s and I want in on the Friends and Family discount!!… cause ya know… we’re friends… obviously not friends that save names in their contacts… but friends none the less!!

Molly: LOL. Of course you can be in on the discount, just say you’re a friend, it’s not very exclusive.

Me: Really?? Isn’t there like a code word or something?

Molly: New England Clam Chowder

Me: NICE!

Molly: You know that I’m joking right?

Molly: It’s been a few minutes and I’m getting concerned you didn’t get that last joking text.

Me:… you’re an ass…

Molly: Please tell me you used the code word.

Me: OFCOURSE I USED THE CODE WORD!! And I totally tried to act all cool and kept saying New England Clam Chowder under my breath and winking.  The lady wasn’t sure if I was hitting on her or having a seizure.

Molly: But did you get the discount?

Me: Yes, but only after I explained to her how my “friend” is an evil ass and lied to me.  Then she said New England Clam Chowder was last weeks code and it’s Tomato Bisque this week.

Molly: Yessss! Macy’s employees are universally cool, obviously.

Me: except for one.

Molly: Harsh.

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It only took a mummified dinasour to make me the smartest person in my marriage!

Me: Oh babe look, this article says scientist found a mummified dinasour and there’s pictures!!

Hubby: But who wrapped the mummy?

Me:…

Hubby:…

Me:…

Hubby: Oh my god.

Me: Oh my god!

Hubby: I can’t believe I said that.

Me: I can’t believe you said that!

Hubby: That’s something you would have said.

Me: Thats totally something I would have said… but I didn’t… you did!!!!

Hubby: Kill me.

Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

 

 

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How a majestic fucking eagle tried to kill me but then killed someone else… because it looked so damn majestic.

So while driving across the 520 bridge into work this morning, I saw a huge bald eagle sitting on top of a light pole up ahead of me. I decided I had to take a picture as he was looking majestic as fuck and it needed to be captured and posted on my Instagram page stat!  But then Myself butted in and ruined it… and saved my life… but whatever.

Myself: What the HELL do you think you’re doing?

Me: Dude, look at it! He’s majestic as shit!

Myself: You are currently driving at a lunatic 60 miles an hour in bumper to bumper traffic with a bunch of other lunatics.  If you attempt to find your phone in you purse, then get to your picture app, then somehow zoom in, and take a focused picture of that eagle… you will die.

Me: Well that’s a little extreme.

Myself: Well it’s the truth!  So forget it and keep driving with both hands on the wheel you idiot!

Me: You know what?! You are ALWAYS ruining things for me and you NEVER let me have any fun!

Myself: Yes, and you’re still alive, so you’re welcome!

Me: Whatever I hate you and I’m not talking to you anymore.

Myself: FINE WITH ME!

About 5 minutes later, and still not talking to myself, the radio went to a traffic update and announced that there had just been a multiple car accident on the east bound 520, shutting down the bridge and causing extended delays.

Myself: Mmmmmmm, looks like someone was an idiot and decided to take a picture of that eagle… AND DIED!

Me: …

Myself: Anything to say??

Me:… ya… I bet that was a fucking awesome picture!!

Myself:… I hate you…

Me: Ditto.

(side note: no one died in the telling of this blog post, it was just a fender bender)

funny-sad-bald-eagle-actually-canadian-pics

 

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When your Skype conversation starts about fashion and ends with a suicidal spirit animal.

So sorry for the blurry of the blown up images!
Could I have typed out the conversation instead?
Sure…
Did I?
No.
Why not?
Lazy… come on people you read my blog, this should really come as no surprise!

12

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It’s all fun and games until your flight loses cabin pressure and the freaking oxygen masks don’t deploy!!!

So as I mentioned in my last blog, I visited the fam a couple weeks ago and almost got taken down at the security check, But BEFORE that I almost died on the flight over… kinda… not really…

The flight started like all flights do, I boarded the plane to find that someone was sitting in my assigned window seat…

Me: … excuse me…

Teenage girl with headphones on happily ignoring me: ….

Me: OY!!! (I like to go British when I’m annoyed)

Startled teenager yanking out headphones: WHAT?!

Me: I think you’re in my seat…

Disappointed teenager giving me big sad eyes: … am I?…

Me: *sigh* it’s fine, I’ll sit aisle.

The next interesting turn around happened on take off when I heard a… BAM! I looked around and noticed that no one else seemed to hear it, or if they did they didn’t look alarmed, so I wrote it off to me not being the calmest of fliers and got out my book.

I had only gotten through maybe a chapter when I suddenly felt myself sliding forward and my lap seatbelt tightening.  I checked the window next to the now sleeping teenager and only saw quickly moving by clouds. I again looked around the plane but, like before, no one was alarmed or even seemed to be aware of our quick descent. I wondered if this was just me being paranoid again?

… No… No, it freaking wasn’t…

DING

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts, we will be landing momentarily.

WHAT!? Momentarily!??! We JUST took off!!

I looked out the window and could now see that we had descended underneath the cloud layer and all I saw were mountains, pointy snow capped peaks, I DID NOT SEE AN AIRPORT OR RUNWAY AVAILABLE FOR LANDING!

Me: Stay calm girl, stay fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!

I saw that the seat stealing teenager was sleeping peacefully through our demise. Maybe it was a good thing she and I had switched seats. Being on the aisle allowed me optimal “get the fuck out of here” accessibility to the emergency exits. But then I though what if she doesn’t make it and everyone thinks she’s me since she’s in my seat?  OH MY GOD! They’ll tell Hubby I had died. HE’LL BE HEARTBROKEN!!! I mean she has blonde hair and kinda looks like me, there’s a chance I could be mistaken for… an 18 year old… okay never mind.

DING

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen we had lost cabin pressure, but we have descended to a safe altitude, and will be continuing our flight to Spokane.

… lost cabin pressure… WHERE THE HELL ARE OUR AIR MASKS!?!?

I may not be the best when it comes to paying attention during the safety talk the stewards give, but I’m pretty damn sure I remember someone mentioning how to put on your 1960’s style oxygen cup when there is A LOSS IN FREAKING CABIN PRESSURE!!

What. The. Fuck.

I can’t believe they didn’t drop… it’s outrageous!!…  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST SELFIE EVER!!

f3d1b1bff85ce0b4bba04e6d7120de66

 

 

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Per the TSA I’m a bread carrying, lock picking, weirdo…

So while flying back from Spokane to Seattle, a couple weeks ago, I learned about what to NOT have in your carry on bag!

  1. When you’re visiting your parents and your mother teaches you how to make homemade bread. DO NOT let her talk you into taking the big circular shaped one home with you… in your carry on bag.
  2. Leave your lock picking tools, including the metal holding container, at home when traveling. DO NOT put it… in your carry on bag.
  3. If you have your iPhone earbuds, tie the wires up securely in a nice little bundle.  DO NOT let them be all willy nilly looping around the bread and lock pick box and then back to your phone… in your carry on bag.

I’m not gonna lie people, when the security lady flagged assistance over and turned the x-ray screen around so I could see the image of my carry on bag, and then asked me if I could explain what we were looking at…

It took everything in my power not to yell, “HOLY CRAP THAT LOOKS LIKE A BOMB!!”.

Luckily she was more understanding after she had me open up the bag and saw the bread, earbuds, and phone… it took a little while longer to explain the lockpick.

This would be where I would insert a picture of the x-ray image of my bag, and believe me I REALLY wanted to take a picture of it, but I thought grabbing for the bag to get the phone probably would have got me shot… soooooo… no pic.

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